Subject: Thanks for the advice Huinesoron
Author:
Posted on: 2017-05-23 16:23:00 UTC
I'll work on what you've said
Subject: Thanks for the advice Huinesoron
Author:
Posted on: 2017-05-23 16:23:00 UTC
I'll work on what you've said
Bios: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C05Pap1Xa31gJVgNTj2GYyzmWEJhJpNGCv1USip6q0/edit?usp=sharing
Writing samples:
<a href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ijyHNtjxU-gaTn73aUUPBDJGfl8JMhJNOm6o-eug8">https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ijyHNtjxU-gaTn73_aUUPBDJGfl8JMhJNOm6o-eug8
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1CyB4fcXTAWGBdksPSf05aGiKGboAT9iqpbP5lV8isLs
Badfic: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6981888/1/Tormentor. It has an wangsty Harry replacement and bad spelling. It also gives Harry some Dementor powers and makes him the son of Voldemort.
Beta: Jay - Awesomeness Central
There is nothing in here that makes me care about the characters. In the first sample, they both wander into HQ, but they don't come across as upset, interested, surprised, confused... anything. There's no emotion there at all. Just he said/she said dialogue.
I can see you're aware of that being a problem and have tried to work on it. You've managed to avoid them being literal talking heads - there's a fair amount of movement in both stories. But none of that is translating into emotion. Take a look at these examples:
“What? Normally, humans just catch us in a Pokéball.” Shadow glared at Canopus. “If you try, I will make you stop.”
Canopus picked Shadow up, causing him to struggle.
“Put me down!”
“Fine.” Canopus placed him on the floor.
Why did Canopus pick Shadow up? Because he was annoying? Because she wanted to show her strength? Because she found it funny? Absolutely no idea. And why did she put him down? Again, there's no emotion there - it feels like "Verbal input 'put me down' received; executing command."
“... Shadow, the food’s worse than what I had in Tokyo and that’s saying something.” Canopus slapped the hand away. “Trust me on that one.”
Shadow frowned before focusing. A pile of toxic waste appeared in front of the door.
“Are you trying to dissuade me with that?” Canopus raised an eyebrow. “Some demons are worse than that.”
“Like what?” asked Shadow. Canopus pulled out her phone.
“Well, there’s Foul Slime, for one. Look.” She showed Shadow the picture.
“Okay. that could be worse. Anyway…” Shadow blinked and both the door and the console disappeared. “I’m not letting you go.”
This one goes even more into the no emotion. Shadow has no reason for creating the pile (I assume that was an attack? Or just an illusion?). Canopus doesn't find it amusing, or mildly disgusting, or contemptuous. Shadow has no reaction to being flatly rebuffed, nor does he find the picture she shows him disgusting, informative, horrifying... anything. "Visual input received; executing next dialogue."
Then there's the dialogue itself. It looks like you're suffering from what I usually call Cowrite Disease, where both characters try and cram as much information as possible into their dialogue, and reply to everything. Only... people don't work like that. If I walked up to you and said "Hi, my name's Huinesoron, how are you doing? Also would you like a cookie? And by the way, I've got this new story you might like to check out, what's your email address?", you'd a) think I was crazy, and b) say something like "Uh, I'd love a cookie, thanks... what's this about a story?"
What you wouldn't say is: "Hi, I'm CodeCom, I'm doing fine. A cookie sounds nice! Anyway, wow, I'd really like to read it, here's my email address. By the way, what's your favourite colour? And have you ever played any Pokemon games?"
Now look at this:
“What?!” the grey demon spun on its four legs. “I’m a Pokémon, not a demon. Whatever that is.”
“Trying to lie, huh? I’m pretty sure you’re a demon, though I’ve never seen one like you.” Canopus pulled out her smartphone and flicked to the Demon Summoning App. “What happened to all my demons?! What the hell?!”
“I’m not a demon! I’m a Zorua!” the demon took a few steps back. “And there’s no need to threaten me. Everyone knows what a Pokemon is, at least.”
“Well, I don’t. And it doesn't matter what your species is, that still makes you a demon.” Canopus glared down at her smartphone. “Great, I’m also stuck with all the weak skills. Why am I telling you this anyway?”
It's not quite so blatant as my examples, but you've definitely got multi-threaded conversation there. It's a very easy trap to fall into, because that is how people talk online. A lot of my early missions do the same thing (and co-writes are particularly prone to it). But it also feels nothing like actual conversation.
Okay, so at this point I think it's clear I'm going to say Permission denied, but don't let that dissuade you! You're doing an awful lot of things right. Your spelling etc is good; you've avoided Talking Heads Disorder (well done!); you clearly know a bit about PPC HQ; you've managed to keep your characters consistent across two stories. A bit of work on getting them to talk like people and react like non-robots and you'll be set. (For the former, try reading the dialogue out, and work out what you'd say in response; if you'd like, I'll scribble down some 'faux-Shadow replies' to Canopus' dialogue in the first story, to show you what I mean.)
Moving on to some other points I noticed:
-It's standard in online writing to leave an empty line between paragraphs. If you don't want to do that (for some reason?), at least indent the first line; it makes reading much easier.
-When you fixed that line Bramandin pointed out, you left it as 'I only work with people only for a mission.' That's two 'only's in a row, which sounds super weird (read it out!); I think you were originally aiming for 'I only work with people on a mission'.
-'Shadow stalked over and punched Shadow in the face.' Shadow, I know you can make illusory copies of yourself, but don't get carried away. ;)
-Looking now at your bios (I tend to avoid them until I need to read them; I prefer to get character information from the stories):
--Both your characters are presented as being interesting primarily for their emotions, and the interplay between them - reserved Canopus (who has a hidden fun side) and playful Shadow (who can be irritating when he doesn't shut up). But... well, see previous comments about emotions in your writing. The only reason I know from your stories that Canopus is reserved is that she flat-out says it. Ditto for Shadow being a prankster. It's a really interesting dynamic you have planned, but right now it isn't coming across in your writing.
--I have no problems with the powers and backgrounds; two things, though:
a) Canopus is a trained, jaded, scarred and emotionally-battered professional at 17? Is that... common in her 'verse?
b) Do Zorua normally have names? Most Pokemon don't unless they're captured. I remember having this same conversation about Skarm's agent Falchion.
--Be aware that we have another (mute) Zorua in HQ.
--RC numbers are normally... well... numbers. Check the list. '4SMT4A' strays quite a bit further from that than normal.
-I have no issues with the badfic you've chosen.
If anyone can offer better advice than me on the emotional issue, I'd appreciate it; I'm aware that I haven't been very clear.
hS
I'll work on what you've said
The Shin Megami Tensei canon is not a happy place, and Apocalypse is a very appropriate subtitle. Canopus is from a world that is overrun by demons and has been sealed underground for her entire life. The canons from Apocalypse finish their training in the prologue at the age of 15, and have already seen multiple other hunters die fighting demons. Being a battle hardened veteran at 17 is quite plausible in that environment.
First Meeting
First off, this is not my style. Probably because I've never had a lick of interest in demon hunting 'verses and rarely enjoy magic smartphone apps and other enchanted computers. I am unlikely to become a regular reader of your spinoff. That said, I read the story, and it had a a lot of high and low points which stuck out to me.
Canopus picking Shadow up. . . feels a little abrupt (I hadn't imagined them standing close enough together that this would be easy), but it's also pretty funny -- Shadow's just been strutting around, talking about how he's powerful enough to fight Canopus off, and when he gets picked up, all he can do is struggle and beg to be put down. It might be a a little too subtle, though: I missed the joke the first time I read through the story.
“You do realise that you seem even more like a demon to me, right?” I like this line :)
Canopus is oddly upfront and casual about her issues, immediately admitting -- no, declaring -- that the reason she avoids people is too stop herself from getting hurt. I actually kind of like the idea of a character who treats typical angst-topics as no big deal -- there's a lot of potential for humor there.
The ending is a little abrupt, but I think it works. They've met, their relationship has been established, and I don't really need to know how they spent the rest of their search -- although I would like a story about how they realized where they were and changed their attitude from "trying to escape" to "hey, let's work here." But that can wait, I suppose!
SPaG:“What?!” the grey demon spun on its four legs. You want a capital-T The here.
Lawsuit
Is Shadow in human or Pokemon form during this story?
Did. . . did Shadow make a pile of toxic waste appear? Why? From Canopus' reaction, it seems like the pile of toxic waste was supposed to make her reconsider the idea of a lawsuit, somehow. I don't understand.
Ooooooooh, Canopus sees Shadow as a friend! Cute.
Shadow's clone spell seems out of the blue. They weren't in a fight, really. . . well, they seemed to mostly be verbally sparring. I wasn't expecting Canopus to physically lash out -- why did Shadow take precautions?
Oh, Shadow. Do not tempt the Ironic Overpower :)
The ending for this one was definitely too abrupt. Canopus' confession that she was kidding came very quickly, and then you cut the story off in the middle of Shadow's reaction -- I would like to see more of what Shadow thinks of being lied to beyond a simple, vague, "What?!" and a shocked stare. Has he lost trust in her? Does he think it's hilarious? This story doesn't feel over to me.
Verdict
Your writing is not my thing at all, but quite nice in its way. It's enjoyable, but there are spots which need quite a bit of work: my prediction is that you'll be denied Permission, but you'll get your own spinoff on your second try.
--Key
Hmmm, another intelligent Pokemon. I don't think we've got too many yet.
It's interesting that both agents are pranksters.
Hmmm, the grammar on your first meeting seems pretty good. I noticed a few mistakes. "I only work with people only a mission. "
Lawsuit feels like a better story. "food’s worse that what I had in Tokyo" I thought that agents didn't get paid at all.
I would like to hear a bit about your agents' abilities and how you plan to use them. We get a good demonstration of Shadow. It seems like more than "lol, I don't need a disguise generator." Does Canopus' cell-phone give her any special abilities? I am concerned that her training will just allow her to wail on Sues without being in danger.
I've corrected the mistakes.
There is a Cafeteria in HQ so they went there for food.
Canopus' mobile has an app that lets her summon demons and use their skills. As it is reliant on Canopus remembering to keep it charged, it can stop working. Also, using the skills drains some of her own energy so she can't keep it up forever.
Canopus is still a low level Hunter so isn't the strongest person out there.