Subject: My non-PG two cents
Author:
Posted on: 2017-05-22 02:27:00 UTC

First Meeting
First off, this is not my style. Probably because I've never had a lick of interest in demon hunting 'verses and rarely enjoy magic smartphone apps and other enchanted computers. I am unlikely to become a regular reader of your spinoff. That said, I read the story, and it had a a lot of high and low points which stuck out to me.

Canopus picking Shadow up. . . feels a little abrupt (I hadn't imagined them standing close enough together that this would be easy), but it's also pretty funny -- Shadow's just been strutting around, talking about how he's powerful enough to fight Canopus off, and when he gets picked up, all he can do is struggle and beg to be put down. It might be a a little too subtle, though: I missed the joke the first time I read through the story.

“You do realise that you seem even more like a demon to me, right?” I like this line :)

Canopus is oddly upfront and casual about her issues, immediately admitting -- no, declaring -- that the reason she avoids people is too stop herself from getting hurt. I actually kind of like the idea of a character who treats typical angst-topics as no big deal -- there's a lot of potential for humor there.

The ending is a little abrupt, but I think it works. They've met, their relationship has been established, and I don't really need to know how they spent the rest of their search -- although I would like a story about how they realized where they were and changed their attitude from "trying to escape" to "hey, let's work here." But that can wait, I suppose!

SPaG:“What?!” the grey demon spun on its four legs. You want a capital-T The here.

Lawsuit
Is Shadow in human or Pokemon form during this story?

Did. . . did Shadow make a pile of toxic waste appear? Why? From Canopus' reaction, it seems like the pile of toxic waste was supposed to make her reconsider the idea of a lawsuit, somehow. I don't understand.

Ooooooooh, Canopus sees Shadow as a friend! Cute.

Shadow's clone spell seems out of the blue. They weren't in a fight, really. . . well, they seemed to mostly be verbally sparring. I wasn't expecting Canopus to physically lash out -- why did Shadow take precautions?

Oh, Shadow. Do not tempt the Ironic Overpower :)

The ending for this one was definitely too abrupt. Canopus' confession that she was kidding came very quickly, and then you cut the story off in the middle of Shadow's reaction -- I would like to see more of what Shadow thinks of being lied to beyond a simple, vague, "What?!" and a shocked stare. Has he lost trust in her? Does he think it's hilarious? This story doesn't feel over to me.

Verdict
Your writing is not my thing at all, but quite nice in its way. It's enjoyable, but there are spots which need quite a bit of work: my prediction is that you'll be denied Permission, but you'll get your own spinoff on your second try.

--Key

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