Subject: Comments
Author:
Posted on: 2017-04-03 23:19:00 UTC

Good chapter, as usual. It may be a wait between chapters, but they are always worth it.

However, a few errors slipped through.

1) There weren’t many people, though — at a quick glance, even if everyone was sitting at the same time more than half of the tables would remain empty.

That em dash should be a colon. Also, please consider adding a few words and a comma in order to make the sentence's meaning clearer:
"There weren’t many people, though: at a quick glance, it appeared that even if everyone were sitting at the same time, more than half of the tables would remain empty."


2) “I know, and I’m not going to drink either, alcohol now would be a terrible idea. Just pretend to take a sip from time to time, it will make our cover more believable.”

The last two commas should both be semicolons.


3) “I’m in too.” she sent out as she hid behind one of the crates to avoid being spotted by a couple of Defectives.

You need a comma before "too".


4) [We have another problem!] Corolla shouted, opening a holographic window in front of them, [Homura tried to stop Vera, but she’s not responding anymore!]

That comma after "in front of them" should be a period.


5) [Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,] Corolla completed from Nikki’s Device. [I was starting to suspect that, with how you were acting in the last days.]

Consider rewording it a bit: "with how you were acting over the last few days".

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