Subject: I'm sorry.
Author:
Posted on: 2017-03-19 23:09:00 UTC
There's no point in trying to make a long post explaining myself because I know nothing I say can ever make up for what I did. It was wrong, it was stupid, and it was horrible of me to say what I did and cause this to happen to you.
Take care.
Originally I was not planning on even saying goodbye, just allowing the fact that I've been posting less and less to say so, and finally letting myself disappear, but that clearly didn't work and isn't going to work.
When all of this began unfolding, I was at work. It wasn't until I went outside for fresh air that I got bombarded by messages: Scapegrace calling me an awful person who needs friends who will, I quote "rock you back and forth in the puddle of your own endless f***ing self-pity" and telling me to leave the PPC. Desdendelle who had kept messaging me to go 'they're talking about you in the Discord' and apologizing, and trying to make sure that I was okay once the post had gone up on the Board.
I've been on the internet since well before I was eleven years old. The PPC was the first place I got a death threat. Only place to have small groups decide they need to get rid of me whatever the method. Now it's the first place to dox me, unintentional or not.
Clearly this isn't a safe place for me. I won't kill or hurt myself over the perceptions that others have of me here, but you are not a safe place for me- for my mental health, my happiness, and now possibly even my career.
Tomash already apologized to me. But plenty of the people in the Discord saw nothing wrong with their behavior until Huinesoron said he saw the logs and pointed that part out. Until someone else pointed out the potential illegality. Only then did the apologies begin to pour out, and with plenty excuses and reasons attached to them. Until the logs became public, people were still in full agreement with what they said and did in the Discord and saw nothing that they had done as wrong. The timing and mentality with all of this should be very, very concerning to all of you.
So, here's the official 'goodbye' so many of you demanded. You guys win.
I'm not withdrawing anything I added from the shared universe, but I don't want my characters to be used or anything from my stories to be referenced.
I am not interested in being contacted further by anyone here regarding this, so please don't. To make this clear, I will be removing my contact information from the wiki.
July, you are the big sister I never had and I love you dearly. I hope that you will eventually return, even if that's not likely to happen. I will try to keep in touch and I hope that you know that you do have people who care about you here.
Both in a general sympathy sense, that you're leaving, and in the sense that I held onto a grudge for far, far too long, and in indulging it, helped poison the well against you. I'm sure, despite not being in the logs, some of the ugly feeling about you could be traced back to things I've said.
On a more selfish note, I'm sad because I was hoping to rebuild some kind of a friendship, and though I hope you'll be willing to keep talking, it kind of sucks to lose your voice here just as I was hoping to reconnect.
At any rate, I wish you the best of luck in your life going forward.
And July stepped into her private boat and waved goodbye
and sailed back over a year
and in and out of weeks
and through a day
and into the night of her very own room
where she found her supper waiting for her.
And it was still hot.
hS
According to your wish, the story of how Hieronymus the hermit became a part-time knight will never be told.
Fare well.
HG
I was far too passive during the events on the chat, and the fact they disturbed me should have prompted me to act more, not stay away.
I wish you well for the future.
I do not know wether you are going to read this post or not, but in case you are, I want to apologize to you.
Even though I did not post as much as others during the incident, I am still guilty, like every other person present at the time, of not stepping in. Yes, emotions were running high. Still, that does not excuse the fact that I did not take a step back and did not realize what kind of action was being discussed. Instead all I said was that I was "not sure" about posting the picture on the board.
I know how hypocritical it comes off to apologize so late, but I both wanted to take a few step backs and think about what I was going to say, and go through the chat logs so I knew exactly what happened and what was being said, and what I did. Emotions can cloud the memoryjust like they cloud the judgement, and I did not want to make the mistake of letting that be the case this time.
Once again I apologize to you. I can understand your decision to leave, especially after this incident, and I cannot and have no right to try and stop you.
~Akrinor
(I've said a lot of this stuff to July, but I think it needs to be out here)
Outing someone's real name on the Internet without consent like I did in a moment of complete idiocy is wrong in all circumstances, but now it seems that this case was worse than most.
It appears that my belief (stated in another post) that none of us would want July killed isn't (or used to not be) true. That means that my posting in the Discord could have actually had a decent chance of ... f**k. I didn't know about any of the history until yesterday afternoon, but that's no excuse. I f**ked up real bad there, and I wish I could go back in time and slap myself silly.
Now, I have to ask. Did anyone who was participating in chat at the time know about this stuff, especially the death threats? If so, I'm surprised that I didn't get any calls to "DELETE THAT NOW" or similar, either in chat or privately, from someone who knew the full potential consequences of my actions. I assure you, I would've listened.
The death threat in question was from the last time all of this happened, here in the PPC with the irc.
Thankfully they didn't know my actual name at the time.
Hopefully, this person either doesn't want to kill you anymore or wasn't on the Discord at the time.
These are the first words that I mean to direct at you since the incident I've caused, and now so it happens those shall also be the last. I know you hate me, and you have the full right to do so, but for that one final time I would like to get your attention:
I have no excuses for my behaviour, both this one and almost six months ago. I didn't do anything to prevent the mob from rising, I let my emotional attachment overtake me, and for that I will accept any punishment the community should impose onto me. The previous time I acted high-and-mighty, tried to force my way of thinking onto you, and completely ignored your decisions, all while under the delusion of being a friend.
Truth be told, I am still grateful to you for what you did back in 2015 for me. You are honest, direct, and no-nonsense to the absolute maximum, but whether you are a bully or not... that's not for me to say, and I shouldn't build my opinion based on the events I wasn't there for.
I will not repeat my mistake and will not even think about stopping you from leaving. What we did put you in potential danger and as much as I would like for us to part ways with at least neutral relationship, that's unfortunately nothing I can do about anymore.
So, to sum up, if any of this has any worth to you anymore: I am sorry, JulyFlame, for all this messed up stuff I've put you through.
July has made it very clear that she does not want you to talk to her, at all, ever. You don't get to decide when or where that ends. This was not smart. You HAVE repeated your mistake. Please get it through your head that NO means NO.
~Neshomeh
But it was either that, or not apologising for what I did at all, which is unacceptable.
1- is your apology likely to make July feel at ease or upset if she sees it, given your past interactions?
2- is your apology, therefore, when you examine the likely outcome, for July's benefit or yours?
3- consider that our society has a terrible habit of making women bear the burden of men's feelings, even in cases where they are trying to actively disengage. (For example, in the women's day post, your desire to be an ally took precedence over one individual woman's desire to not interact with you.)
4- in the future, when someone tells you to leave them alone, apologize ONCE, and then . . . leave them alone. Period. No redemption arc, no reminders, no continued getting other people to mediate, no continued and protracted apologies. Just end it there. If she hasn't accepted by now, she's not going to, and this only serves the purpose of making her more uncomfortable.
There's no point in trying to make a long post explaining myself because I know nothing I say can ever make up for what I did. It was wrong, it was stupid, and it was horrible of me to say what I did and cause this to happen to you.
Take care.
Yes, I was worried about you at the time I posted that information in chat. However, that absolutely doesn't excuse my actions, and it certainly doesn't make you responsible for them. You didn't cause me to make that mistake. Neither you nor your words somehow crawled into my brain and turned off my ability to not do something really stupid for a few seconds.
Like Nesh said somewhere, we all need to take responsibility for our own choices. I'd prefer that you stop blaming yourself for mine.