My local grocer says. . .

I gots borned by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2017-03-08 20:17:00 UTC Reply

Just seventeen years ago, the world was totally lacking in any form of 'Larfen J. Stocke, esq.' Scientists, archaeologists, historians, and very opinionated grocers all refer to this era as the 'Pre-Larfen' age.
But all good things must come to an end.
In a decision which generally everyone regrets, Larfen left the womb, dusted himself off, and farted his way onto the internet. And now he's here. You poor gits.

So yes! I gots borned! It's my birthday and such. I am now one more step closer to the eternal embracing death that awaits us all. Huzzah! Cake! Balloons! Streamers!

You Gots Borned by The Triumvirate on 2017-03-10 00:23:00 UTC Reply

Have a music! (I don't know how links work, so here.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8H8e-2TLgpA

Happy borned-day, Sandwich Boy. For a proper present, I hereby give to you not only the full set of roleplaying dice I give to newbies, because you have yet to receive one from me, but also a dicebag with which to hold them. Unlike the dice, which are whatever pattern you choose, the bag is black velvet on the outside and red silk on the inside. One side also has the Emblem of Larfen on it - that is, your ham sandwich icon. Yes, yes, I gave you something with your face on it. Deal with it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! by Granz the Ice Cream Monarch on 2017-03-09 23:52:00 UTC Reply

Allow me to make up for my lateness with excessive exuberance.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OMG CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE ANOTHER YEAR OLDER THIS IS SO AMAZING I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EXCEPT I CAN AAAAH HAVE ICE CREAM HAVE CAKE HAVE A BILLION DOLLARS HAVE THE WHOLE PLANET! AAAAAAAAAH! Glomps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Ceases to be glomping.

Now, how was that?
Happy birthday, sandwich! by KimchiRamen on 2017-03-09 22:20:00 UTC Reply

Congratulations for staying fresh after all those years!
Have some fresh blueberry muffins!
Happy birthday! *blows noisemaker* (nm) by eatpraylove on 2017-03-09 13:53:00 UTC Reply
Re: I gots borned by CodeCom on 2017-03-09 09:59:00 UTC Reply

Happy birthday
Birthday! Cake! Party! by Jay - Awesomeness Central on 2017-03-09 02:12:00 UTC Reply

Have a birthday gif! (That's me eating the cake.)
My local grocer says. . . by Cat-on-the-Keyboard on 2017-03-09 01:53:00 UTC Reply

"Who? What are you -- get that microphone out of my face!" She then sighed. "Are your parents here?"

I believe this to be the local vernacular for "We were greatly impoverished without his presence! Give him my best wishes!"

Therefore, here are best wishes, the grocers and my own. Happy birthday, you meteor, you glacier, you definer-of-a-geologic-age! Happy birthday! May you live longer than the rock you indelibly impressed with your presence!

--Key

Whoa, I can't argue with that! by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2017-03-09 05:29:00 UTC Reply

Grocers are the most reliable sources of information in this untrustworthy world we live in, other than magic eight balls and coin flips!

And I'll try my hardest to live longer than that impressed rock! It'd be really embarrassing if I didn't, considering that all rocks have been alive for totals of zero seconds. I'd look a right dope!
But, yes, cheers!

HBD ! 8D (nm) by CRB on 2017-03-09 01:39:00 UTC Reply
Happy Birthday! by Khryssty on 2017-03-09 00:53:00 UTC Reply

Congratulations on your seventeenth anniversary having fought your way free from a bloody jam prison! On this most auspicious of days, repeat your momentous victory by slaying a cake, an entire cake, without mercy. Crush the delicious frosting beneath your heel, then weep, for there is naught left to conquer.

Yes! For this world is mine, and mine alone! by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2017-03-09 05:19:00 UTC Reply

It shall know my power, my strength, my cunning! I shall carve a bloody swathe through all the lands, leaving nothing behind but corpses and conquest!

*blows out candles in three tries*

Happy Birthday! (nm) (nm) by Maxewell on 2017-03-08 23:25:00 UTC Reply

*eats the NM&NMs* (nm) by Tomash on 2017-03-08 23:40:00 UTC Reply

Birf! (nm) by palindromordnilap on 2017-03-08 22:19:00 UTC Reply
HAP BIRTH (nm) by SkarmorySilver on 2017-03-08 21:50:00 UTC Reply
Happy birthday, Larfen by Tomash on 2017-03-08 20:34:00 UTC Reply

Have some cake! Since cakes aren't sandwiches, it's not cannibalism, which is certainly a good thing.

~~Now stop making me feel old over here~~

Sorry, old man. by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2017-03-09 05:33:00 UTC Reply

I wasn't aware I was stepping into your territory - your old territory. That's all creaky and dusty and old-smelling.

Didn't mean to get all my youth on everything, old man!

*skateboards out*

Also, cheers! Old maaaaan

*cakefetti* by Iximaz on 2017-03-08 20:19:00 UTC Reply

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE
HOPE NOBODY MAKES YOU BLUE
AND YOUR CAKE DOESN'T EXPLODE IN GOO!

*blows noisemakers*

*blood trickles from ears* by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2017-03-09 05:37:00 UTC Reply

CHEERS!