I wish I had proper concrit for you on why it's wonderful, but I'm afraid I was just killing time before bed, and my brain is not at its best. But, I laughed, and I enjoyed the characters and the action, and that's pretty much that. {= )

I did notice a misplaced comma, though, at the end of the ‘And then I hit her’ before Maz says 'Is she nice?' It should be a period.

Also, the quotes around Alleb's speech “I think we ought to fight one another" ought to be single-quotes to match the rest of the story. I'm pretty sure all the rest are quotes within quotes, but you might want to double-check to make sure.

~Neshomeh

I like the tension created by the non-linear setup, the different ways Alleb, Yocherry and the not so omniscient narrator tell the story, their respective partners different reactions, the vivid fighting scenes and gentlepersonly conversations …

In the end, we didn't get the full story from any point of view. But that's not a bad thing, it just tickles the imagination.

There's actually nothing I didn't like, except this:
He glanced at it his arm
and
He couldn’t even even shift

HG

Instead of just squealing at Larfen in private chat. But really, this is super funny, and made my day, and all that stuff. I don't have anything critical to say (although I may have simply used up my supply of concrit explaining to a vole I found in the Pit thereof why it's probably a Bad Idea to write a story about a seven-year old Harry Potter being "rescued" by an unnaturally beautiful woman who is the personification of Death and trained by demons to fight Voldemort)(I'm an idealist, okay? Suethors can be saved!).

Anyway, good work and I hope to see more from you both!

--Key

So, I liked it. The story was funny, the meta-humor was silly without seeming overdone, and the interlude helped me get a better sense of the characters of everyone involved. The plot made sense even with the rather non-linear layout of scenes, so you don't need to worry about that.

However, one apparent typo: "‘Hey, uh, dude,’ She said." (shouldn't that be lowercase?).

Also, not a typo, but it took me two tries to figure out "... was not on that list [paragraph break] She was. [paragraph break]", since the paragraph break there sort of threw me off and made it non-obvious what that sentence was referring to.

Other than than, good stuff. I'm looking forward to more work from Larfleb (or is it Alfen?) in the future. (Are you the first geographically distributed superentity that posts on the Board? I think you might be.)