Subject: Some thoughts
Author:
Posted on: 2016-10-28 23:40:00 UTC

I have kind of mixed feelings about the grudge between Lapis and Backslash, though I know it doesn't really originate in this story. On the one hand, conflict is good; not all characters will get along, and major issues shouldn't just disappear between stories. On the other, I feel like the amount of tension kind of distracts from the mission itself. There were times when the badfic seemed to have paused itself so the characters could stand around and yell at each other. It also feels a bit... repetitive? No offense, but a lot of your agents seem to have ongoing grudges with one another that make it almost impossible for them to work together.

Another thing I found distracting was the break in the story to explain about Lapis swearing in Arabic and why she does so. It doesn't really feel necessary to include, or even for Backslash to comment on in the first place. It kind of seemed like an excuse to talk about Lapis's history, even though I don't know that it was relevant to the situation. That said, I think the amount of foreign language swearing got a bit gratuitous at times; suddenly hitting a word in a different language tends to throw the reader out of the story. I'm also not sure about Whitney calling Lapis a "s***head" - she seems more like the "calm rage" type to me than the type to swear, especially given Lapis's age. Though my impression of her may just be mistaken.

I do think you did a good job explaining the canons, as someone who was unfamiliar with them. The Bayonetta stuff was fine - I was even able to get a sense of her personality - and the Bleach terminology wasn't too confusing, which was quite a feat given how long the series is. I would have liked a little more explanation/focus on what the actual plot of the badfic was, but I'm not sure that was actually possible.

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