Subject: I agree, a reaction would have improved the scene
Author:
Posted on: 2016-08-11 03:56:00 UTC
--Key would elaborate, but needs to sleep, so might add more later.
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New Interlude! by
on 2016-08-01 21:18:00 UTC
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After a long while, I finally come with something. An Interlude 8 months in the making! Corinna Chan and the Temple of the Last Flute: The End. Spoiler alert: She doesn't make it to the temple. :(
Anyway, this story was mostly made to expand on and give proper closure to my old comic I started writing years ago on DA, and to connect it to the PPC as well. It's pretty much Nurse Chan recounting her backstory, and introduces some shake ups to the Status Quo. Wanna know more? Well click on the link! -
IÂ’ve fallen far behind by
on 2016-08-08 12:53:00 UTC
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So I’ll not even try to conjure a proper review; I’m just going to berate you after saying that I actually liked this interlude.
Solvig sighed and momentarily lifted her gaze. When her gaze met with Nurse Chan’s gaze ...
Three gazes in one line, and a fourth in the next paragraph, are a bit much. Maybe you could try to find some other words?
The fact that nearly killed Sarah in that mission...
Missing word "I"?
"Solvig, please stop," the Nurse said suddenly, stopping Solvig’s rant.
I’m not quite sure why this took me out of the story so that I had to take a note. It’s either because Nurse Chan had something "said suddenly" just on the previous page, or it’s the stopping "stop". I guess "interrupted" might work better hear.
"Solvig, I did tell you it was a different universe to those you know, did not I?"
Shouldn’t this be "did I not"? Or perhaps "didn’t I" (messing with the grammar to be able to use a contraction, which Corinna Chan apparently does not do)? Or is this Corinna Chan not knowing English grammar?
... it ended in an stalemate…
Since this isn’t a quote from an old fic, it should be "a stalemate".
Although I do question the validity of such occurrence ...
Shouldn’t this be "such an occurrence"?
I did not knew until later that I had caught a Riolu ...
Should be "I did not know ...".
Nubis and I were just taking a stroll the shore of the lake ...
Shouldn’t this be "on the shore"?
I took a dry branch that found lying there and tackled the one who was directly attacking Nubis ...
Another "I" is missing there (should be "that I found").
When I came back to my senses and realized I had done ...
Should be "realized what I had done".
The rest of the group was stunned to what they have seen ...
Should be "what they had seen" (past perfect).
"No. And would not be the last one... "
Missing word? (Should be "And it would".) Although I wouldn’t have noticed this if there weren’t so many other words missing. I could actually imagine that Nurse Chan left this one out.
She then stopped laughing as suddenly as she started ...
Should be "as suddenly as she had started" (past perfect).
... and a good amount of soldiers from sides deserted ...
Should be "from both sides".
... artifacts for the summoning the Legendary Ho-Oh.
If "summoning" is used as a noun here, it should be "for the summoning of the Legendary Ho-Oh". On the other hand, if "summoning" is used as a verb. it doesn’t get an article; it should just be "for summoning the Legendary Ho-Oh".
Her followers did not had the same restriction however, making the break in more difficult than it should have, the good thing ...
Should be "did not have the same" and "than it should have been".
I had broken into one their hideouts ...
Should be "one of their hideouts".
... where met the Elder Sage and left the artifacts under his care.
Should be "where I met".
I felt like head was going to explode under all of that ...
Should be "like my head".
... who was glaring me with scorn in its gaze ...
Should be "glaring at me".
"Oh, do not they? " Nurse Chan said with a smirk.
The same word order problem as above; I think that should be "Oh, do they not?"
Solvig had a giggle fit after that, and as soon she was able to control herself...
Shouldn’t this be "... as soon as she was ..."?
HG -
Heeeeeey, by
on 2016-08-04 11:51:00 UTC
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That's pretty gooooood.
You did that whole connecting thing pretty well (though, to be fair, it's rather easy with PPC stuff)
Bit of spooky phrasing with 'Undoubtedly she had touched a chord, that never should had.'
Y'know. Might work better with 'have,' or 'shouldn't had.'
Also, 'Holey moley, that means you're a ninja!' is sort of adorable. Haven't heard 'holey moley' in years.
And, er, the implication that no-one is going to miss a dead hunter, or that no-one should miss a dead hunter because he was sexist seems a little bit twisted to me. If someone's been killed, they've been killed, even if they've been a wanker, y'know?
And people oughtn't be killed, the way I see it.
Anyway, I'm sure his mother, or his dog, at least, misses him.
Status Quo is shaken! I know more!
The link has been clicked! -
Thanks!! by
on 2016-08-04 20:26:00 UTC
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Now with the phrasing... I think I had it with "have" before a beta changed it... Not sure, though. I'll think about it.
Now to the hunter... uh, what? Corinna comes from the equivalent of a 1930s-40s time, sexism was pretty common during those decades, almost you could say it was "normal". The point is not that no one's going to miss the hunter because he was sexist, it was probably for another reason, that Nurse Chan probably thought it was best for Solvig not to know...
And that wasn't the point of the bit either, the point was to imply how twisted she had become, as she outright states that she felt nothing, when she killed him in a legitimate act of self-defense. In other words, it was to imply how desensitized to killing she had become by that point. -
I'd gotten that. by
on 2016-08-04 22:30:00 UTC
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I mean, to be fair, I don't really have much to go on to come to that assumption. She mentioned that he was chauvinistic (he wouldn't be chauvinistic if that was the norm, I ought to note,) and that he was furious a woman took his job, followed by 'no-one will miss him.'
I'm sure you can see my train of thought, up there.
I think my main problem with the thing is Solvig's lack of reaction. You've managed to successfully show through her dialogue that she's pretty buggered in the head, but the fact that Solvig doesn't really seem to care sort of ruins it, y'know?
Brings up the idea that the readers ought to react (or not react,) in the same way, which is certainly not what you were going for, and, even if Solvig isn't the sort've character to make too much of a fuss with that kind of thing, I still reckon she would at least think 'Oh, that's a bit messed up.'
- Larfen hopes he's not pushing his style on anyone.
-- Or being rude. -
I agree, a reaction would have improved the scene by
on 2016-08-11 03:56:00 UTC
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--Key would elaborate, but needs to sleep, so might add more later.
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Well, well... by
on 2016-08-03 10:46:00 UTC
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I know that's not a badfic, but sweet Philemon, that's a really nasty 'verse there. I feel really bad for people having to live through that. Kudos for the character devlopment though. My wishes go for Nurse Chan.
Now I'm relly impatient to see whatever you've got in mind for thee future. It promises a lot from the look on things right now. -
Thanks! by
on 2016-08-03 13:32:00 UTC
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You have no idea! Pretty much, every single character I followed in that OCT, was killed, or left missing in action... I stopped following the OCT shortly afterwards. But yeah, a lot of the entries were pure Nightmare Fuel.
Stay tuned for more! ;) -
Thoughts by
on 2016-08-03 03:03:00 UTC
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I liked this, even though (as far as I can remember) I haven't read anything with these folks in it before.
Most of the part where Solvig picked her name was pretty funny. Especially the embarrassing middle name section. ("Most" because the last name change reads as serious, as intended(?))
In general, the serious, character-developing bits (which were most of the interlude) were well-done and not too serious.
My only comment it that it took a moment to realize that Nurse Chan's story wasn't a badfic of some sort, since the format matched PPC house style for missions (bold the quoted bits of bad stuff). -
Thanks for your words! by
on 2016-08-03 03:27:00 UTC
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Yeah, the part of Solvig choosing her surname was actually kinda serious, since well, Super-Paris Hilton from before Sterling Gates work, was Super Serious Business in DCU fandom.
And well, I used bold because I found no other way to make those parts stand out from the rest of the narrative. -
Did it have to stand out? by
on 2016-08-11 03:51:00 UTC
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You've woven it into the narrative as a story a character is telling; why not treat it like part of the narrative? With the bold text it feels like the piece is flipping back and forth between two separate stories. It's harder to feel that the woman in the flashback story is the same person who's telling it to Solvig.
And, yeah, it does look like you're quoting a badfic. I spent half the story waiting for her to go from powerful to ridiculously OPd.
Aside from the formatting quibbles, though, this was a solid story. The emotional drama felt justified by what had happened, none of which was improbable and most of which was exciting and fun. It was a little hard for me to read because I'm not all that familiar with Pokèmon, and I almost set the story aside a couple times, but always I wanted to find out what happened next, even when I wasn't fully understanding the details of who was fighting whom and what the Mystical Mew was exactly.
I had a couple of notes on SPaG, but they were minor and on this tiny smartphone screen it's tricky to flip back and forth between tabs while keeping everything in order. There were one or two, neither of which ruined my enjoyment of the piece.
--Key