Yes, we're extremely good-- oh, you're serious. - PPC Posting Board

Subject: Yes, we're extremely good-- oh, you're serious.
Author: Captain Dandy
Posted on: 2018-07-08 21:26:00 UTC

Excuse me while I laugh uproariously for a while.

Right, yes. 'Really Good' is not how I would describe my colleagues. The Weeds, absolutely - I can proudly say we keep out 99.9% of the external threats to HQ. But the ones that get through? The Flowers are useless, the whole greenhoused lot of them. It's always you lot, you agents, who sort things out. The macrovirus? Agents. The last invasion? Agents. That thing with the Guild of Corrective Archaeologists last year? Agents. Not the Sunflower, not the Sub Rosa, not even the Tiger Lily. It's you lot.

As for this stuff... someone said fire? I can't say I'm a fan myself, but we have a fair few... shall we say,specialists in the subject? I'm sure they'd be able to sort something out.

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I have a Magic the Gathering-related question. by 61516 on 2018-07-08 14:21:00 UTC Reply

What countermeasures could the PPC take if phyrexian oil found its way into headquarters? I'm asking for the sake of a friend.

I am very worried about this idea. by Phobos on 2018-07-08 19:04:00 UTC Reply

See, Phyrexian Oil is not messing around. It's like the Borg and the 40K Warp had an unholy lovechild. It will assimilate you and turn you into a plague-vector.

If it is detected immediately (and I mean damn-near instantaneously), then fire could potentially work, but whoever brought it in is going to burn, too. They're contaminated, you see, and there's only one cure that I'm aware of: A single Elf named Malira who is somewhere on New Phyrexia. I wouldn't take the time to find her.

If it is not caught immediately, it could spread like wildfire. Janitorial would probably be compleated first, while cleaning it up. Now we've got Phyrexian Flowers. Probably no way to contain it at that point. Shifting hallways makes containment a major problem.

Gods help us if it ever compleats a Sue. Glistening Oil is bad enough. Sparkling Oil? Terrifying.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that Phyrexian Oil only leads to one place: Character Deaths. If that's what you're going for, then by all means have at it.

-Phobos, advocating against this.

Oh, we have safeguards for this, not to worry! by Bernhard Bingard Bingle on 2018-07-09 06:08:00 UTC Reply

No need to worry at all - us janitors can be shocking in both how fast we are all able to flee from perceived dangers, and also in how quick we all are able to turn to nearly total cowardly treason when our lives are on the line.

Indeed, each janitorial shift that has existed for more than about a month or so individually possesses at least one unique method of instantaneous escape from HQ, usually to some form of forest or alleyway somewhere, where a new life, undetected, can be hastily made.
I even knew a shift that physically tunneled a hole from their own closet right into a grotto somewhere in Switzerland, where they had already prepared a small barebones cabin, in deep preparation for exactly this kind of circumstance!

So there is no need, no need at all, to be concerned for the safety of the Janitorial Division!
Except against the burning vicissitudes of guilt, one supposes, but, well, dark pasts always do end up turning out well for us sorts, anyway, don't they?
Aren't the Flowers That Be prepared for everything? by 61516 on 2018-07-08 20:02:00 UTC Reply

I would advocate a total purge of HQ using self-replicating nanobots which consume the oil to make more of themselves, then set of an EMP.

No, not quite by Thoth on 2018-07-08 20:56:00 UTC Reply

The flowers are Really Good. But they aren't magic.

Yes, we're extremely good-- oh, you're serious. by Captain Dandy on 2018-07-08 21:26:00 UTC Reply

Excuse me while I laugh uproariously for a while.

Right, yes. 'Really Good' is not how I would describe my colleagues. The Weeds, absolutely - I can proudly say we keep out 99.9% of the external threats to HQ. But the ones that get through? The Flowers are useless, the whole greenhoused lot of them. It's always you lot, you agents, who sort things out. The macrovirus? Agents. The last invasion? Agents. That thing with the Guild of Corrective Archaeologists last year? Agents. Not the Sunflower, not the Sub Rosa, not even the Tiger Lily. It's you lot.

As for this stuff... someone said fire? I can't say I'm a fan myself, but we have a fair few... shall we say,specialists in the subject? I'm sure they'd be able to sort something out.

Grey goo, I'm telling you. by 61516 on 2018-07-09 00:40:00 UTC Reply

If programmed properly, it could eat the oil faster than it could replicate.

What? No, no, absolutely not. by The Nightshade on 2018-07-09 09:37:00 UTC Reply

Imagine the mess you'd make, scattering live nanotech all over HQ! Oh, you talk about EMPs, but all you'd need is one batch in a Faraday cage or something and you'd never get rid of it.

Besides, if you tell the janitorial staff you're replacing them with tiny robots, you'll have a mutiny on your hands. They might even form a union. Can you imagine, a union in HQ? Absolute nightmare.

Bingle, don't get any ideas.

Hrm. Probably not. by Anne on 2018-07-10 02:22:00 UTC Reply

We already tried the grey goo. In a day they ate Bingle's arm and then unionised and mutinied on us.

That whole week was Hell. But a clean Hell.
[muffled socialism playing in the distance] (nm) by Scapegrace on 2018-07-09 09:39:00 UTC Reply

There's a time and a place, dear. by The Nightshade on 2018-07-09 10:40:00 UTC Reply

And PPC HQ is definitely not the place to start protesting about low wages, dangerous working conditions, underappreciative superiors (not me, obviously), or anything short of outright war between Upstairs and the agents. Where would you start?

Where would you stop?

[S O C I A L I S M I N T E N S I F I E S] (nm) by Scapegrace on 2018-07-10 11:48:00 UTC Reply

[Suddenly becomes Irish-American coal miner circa 1902.] by 61516 on 2018-07-10 18:40:00 UTC Reply

Burn it? by doctorlit on 2018-07-08 15:36:00 UTC Reply

It's been a while since I read any Magic novels, but I think I remember that glistening oil burns just as well as regular oil, yeah? So the most straightforward response would probably be sending in Geographical Aberrations to burn it away. Or maybe let Building Maintenance do it; it might make less work for them in the long run.

Incidentally, I remember someone (gaijinguy, maybe?) wrote a Badfic Games story of a bad future AU where HQ got wholly invaded and corrupted by Phyrexia. I'm not able to find it right now, though.

—doctorlit, remembering things before breakfast

I really hope the alternate HQ kept doing missions. (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-08 17:26:00 UTC Reply

Not really. by doctorlit on 2018-07-09 14:38:00 UTC Reply

They were more focused on guerrilla tactics and survival.

—doctorlit, annoyed the story can't be found

I just like the idea of a Phyrexian PPC doing missions. (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-09 20:33:00 UTC Reply