Alright. Settle in--being me, I write a lot to begin with, and I've also responded to HG's comments, so...that might have lengthened it. As usual, I've used formatting to try to make it easy to follow. If anything came out unclear, just ask.


Your characters:

Col. Bradbury: Nice to see an older human! For obvious reasons, a lot of agents tend to be young or young-looking when they start out, so, well, nice to see. I also just plain like the description of the colonel. Provided you avoid the potential pitfall of his ability to "procure just about anything just about anywhere" serving as deus ex machina, I can see him being pretty fun to read about. Actually, he's starting to feel a tiny bit Discworld-ish to me? In a great way. Unless someone can point out any problems (other than what HG said, which I'll address in a moment), I think he'll do just fine.

Regarding HG's comments: Yeah, I think his world would generally be labeled as just 'unpublished' or 'alternate World One' or something? I'm not completely sure. I know I have an agent planned from an alternate World One, also set in the future, which started from 'what if Yiddish was still a widely spoken language?' and developed from there. I never called it anything other than 'an alternate World One', though, to my memory.

My main question here is: what exactly makes Bradbury's home universe an alternate one? The only thing I'm seeing is that he's from the 2050s and they have medical and cybernetic science. If your main reasoning here is just that you want to be able to play with your own idea of a possible projection of the future (perfectly fine, sounds interesting)--it could really probably just be labeled 'alternate World One timeline' or something along those lines? I'd be happy for more details regarding Bradbury's home, though, to understand what makes it an AU. Apart from that, I bow to HG's knowledge here.

Gibbs: I...kind of like Gibbs as well. I think there's also a meme of something that looks a bit like him, so I have that automatic mental image, and it amuses me a bit. I'm personally unfamiliar with the conspiracy theories you seem to be referencing in his profile, but...sure, yeah. I'm amused. It should also be interesting to see how a human colonel and a draconian security guard from different universes interact. From the profile, Gibbs just...well, he also comes across as a bit of a character! The young, kind of a maverick sort. That could also make him a good foil for Bradbury. All in all, sounds good.

Regarding HG's comments: Yeah, typos need to be fixed. Also, if you haven't already, I suggest laying out at least the main conspiracy theories that are true or not true there. For one thing, Gibbs will probably have to explain it at some point (or be smacked in the face with 'what? Nah, that's just a conspiracy theory!'); for another, it'll help both you and us to get a sense of what's going on.

(Also, if Dulce base is still in there--I'm unclear on whether there's a problem with that or if it's just the misspelling on the Mesa--it should be 'Dulce Base', as it is in your response. Quick Google search confirms that capitalization. So that's another thing to fix.)

Characters overall: some details need fixing or tweaking, but...overall, both agents look good! Be a little careful of how you use Bradbury's talents.

Whew. On to the first prompt!

Alright. First things first: I really advise spacing for readability. I can get through this prompt and the other because they're short, but my days of making my way through longer stories like this if the writing's okayish and I like the plot are pretty much behind me. I'd advise hitting 'enter' an extra time at every new paragraph, or else take advantage of wider spacing and the tab key to indent the new paragraphs. (I don't know how you're planning on posting stories platform-wise, but one or the other of these methods should work on pretty much anything.)

With that out of the way: Um, I'm afraid you have another place name mistake. Matama, New Zealand is neither a real place (from what I can find) nor where FotR was filmed; Matamata, New Zealand, on the other hand, was indeed the town nearest the location of the Hobbiton set. That needs fixing. Between this and the Mesa (and the base capitalization)...you might want to start using Google to check your facts a little more, assuming that's an option for you. Or asking a beta to do it if it isn't. It's a good tool, and very easy to use for things like this.

Also, while Bradbury was a child at the right time to grow up with Lord of the Rings, he seems to have gained the trivia of the exact location of the set without the trivia that it was exterior only? Then again, I suppose he could reasonably assume that someone decided to build interiors in the past fifty-ish years...though I do have to wonder why he's thinking of the Hobbits as "well-dressed" when, unless fashions have seriously changed in his time, he should probably be thinking they're dressed in a really old style? That is, really old? It just...doesn't quite connect the more I think about it. I expect it's meant to be in contrast to what he expects to be normal pygmy dress, but...it still seems odd that his version of 'well-dressed' is Hobbiton and not something a bit more...modern.

As to the Hydramatic drive...okay. That does seem to be the capitalization. Fun fact--Hydra-Matic/Hydramatic Drive is also the name for what was apparently the first really successful automatic car transmission! The things you learn. The Pinkwater version does indeed look like something the PPC might want, though.

One more small thing before I actually get into the writing: I assume Nirvana's dressed like a Hobbit, since Bradbury addresses him as a local? (His Ye Olde Englishe is incorrect to my knowledge, by the way, though that may be on purpose? I love the wordplay in his second line, though--"faculties" and "faculty". Very fun.) And another thing, actually: Nirvana can speak parentheses? And Bradbury can hear them?

I'd add a bit of description somewhere at the end, probably, so that it doesn't go completely into dialogue for the last few exchanges of Bradbury's section and we continue to get a sense of movement. It would also give us a little more sense of, well, everything, including what Nirvana's thinking (I don't necessarily mean you should write out his thoughts, but even a moment of speculative looking or hesitation or something would make it flow a bit more). Things like that. Apart from this, it seems mostly fine and readable, and I like some of the dialogue. My only other problem is...actually, this is something HG pointed out as well. Is Bradbury from a Daniel Pinkwater bookverse? If he is, then that is his home continuum. If it's not, then well...okay, honestly, either way I'm a bit confused about what Bradbury's job is when we meet him. The terms are confusing (and don't seem to fit with him being a soldier); he's pretty formal in speech, which is...interesting, if also a bit confusing? Especially since it doesn't match his speech patterns in the second prompt at all? I just...I'm confused. This closer read-through is confusing me. Which is a real shame, because I still do like the character ideas and some of the writing (especially the opening of the second prompt).

Okay. Gibbs' part...well. I've read the explanation of the change in style; fine. It's a nice idea, but it is rather jarring here. This is also all one paragraph (except for Gibbs' two-word reaction at the end), which is...neither good nor necessary. It does feel a little like how Gibbs might write up a report, honestly, which I kind of like, but...that doesn't really make it work here, especially since it comes right after a different style. If this was its own piece and spaced out it would work better, though it's still...well, I wouldn't advise you to write a mission like this, though I would definitely read a mission where small chunks of it were actually excerpts from Gibbs' written mission report--that sounds like it could be done amusingly.

(Also: you want "Gibbs went to compliment the kid" rather than "complement.")

(Also also: I do like Gibbs as we see him here! He seems to mesh with his profile, which is nice, and he just plain seems like he'd be fun to read about.)

First prompt overall: This is...a bit messier than I remember thinking on the first, sleepy read-through. On the plus side, the SPaG looks fine and I'm not noticing any actually incorrect sentences. It could really use reworking, though. I'd like to see this succeed, but...I'm afraid the current version isn't there yet.

The second prompt:

Okay. As mentioned before, both in this post and in my first response, I really love this opening. So much. The entire first paragraph is just...I love it. Response Center 9-unreadable-smudge is fantastic, the military metaphor is both appropriate and executed nicely...There should probably be a new paragraph started at "On the edge of this cave of non-wonders," and again right before Bradbury speaks, but...listen, I love it. I really do. It's nicely done, it stands out, and it still makes me either smile or just sit up and go 'I like this!' on the third or fourth reading. I really like it.

The rest is, uh...okay, let's break it down.

-As mentioned in my response to the first prompt, Bradbury's speech patterns don't match at all between the two prompts. In the first, he says things like "I accept this," and, well, “I assure you, [...] I am in full possession of all my faculties, except the faculty of the department of engineering, who could probably help me. But I digress. Perhaps you, in the absence of the faculty, could furnish aid?” In the second, well, his first longer line is this: “Are we just gonna keep talking in circles like a couple of parrots, or are we gonna do something?” He does keep some of his nicer words, but...there's definitely a disconnect, and there just isn't enough writing (or anything in his profile) to know if he switches formality levels depending on the situation or if this is, in fact, a continuity error.

-After that beautiful opening, the entire prompt essentially becomes dialogue. There are six words mentioning who's talking (three for each), and one seven-word sentence for Gibbs leaving and the passage of time. That's it. Now, dialogue-only stories are a thing, but...the combination here is just...it's odd.

-Speaking of the dialogue, it would be really well supported by more description. I don't even mean description as nice as the opening bit: I just mean description of any sort. A bit of a sense of movement, maybe some other stuff that's in the RC, the expressions on their faces, their body language, thoughts, smiles, frowns, getting up--I'll take anything. It could be easily combined with giving a little more indication of who's talking, too--it gets hard to follow, especially since a, don't know them too well yet, and b, while they do sound different from each other, it isn't such a stark difference that it's immediately obvious (as in, say, a Victorian and a modern slang-using teenager in a conversation).

-Because it's almost completely dialogue, some of the jokes fall flat. Actually, I think most of them do. There's no timing, because we have no real clue what they're doing; their expressions can't add anything because they aren't described...

-We get some sense of how they interact just from the dialogue, it's true, but...so, so, so much more could be shown with a little description. I don't know if they trust each other or just tolerate each other; I don't know if they're wary, or curious, or...I just don't have enough, and I'd really like more. I like these characters! I want to really see them interact!

-I like the final joke, with the bottle of whiskey. Unfortunately, again, it falls flat. If we had a pause right before the line, a description, anything--look, here, I'll show you what I mean:

“I’m back!”

Bradbury looked up. He'd moved a good deal of the debris around, but had, to all appearances, failed to actually find the console. “Any luck?”

Gibbs nodded. “Yeah, they had a very good deal on baking stuff." He set something down on the wobbly table with a thunk, and smirked. "Also, I got a bottle of whiskey, ‘cause this seems like it’s gonna take a while.”

It's obviously my writing style, and my interpretation of both how I'd frame that joke and how I'm very quickly interpreting possible ways for your characters to interact...but do you see a difference? The reader (hopefully) gets a better sense of what's going on, of what Gibbs is like, of time passing, and a bit of both the RC interior and how the two agents might interact. It's a lot more information, added with four descriptive or mildly descriptive sentences.

Second prompt overall: SPaG and sentences are perfectly fine yet again. The opening is beautiful. Would heavily advise adding a lot more description to the dialogue to fill out the scene, make the jokes shine, and give a much better sense of the RC, the characters, and the new partnership. Also: Bradbury unfortunately seems a bit less strongly developed than Gibbs in writing, possibly because of the inconsistent speech patterns--it feels like you have less of a grasp on how to write him right now. It would be good to either work with him a little more or just resolve the continuity issues, depending on whether this impression is correct or it's accidental.

The badfic: It's...wellll. Definitely pretty OOC (in a way that reminds me vaguely of Partially Kissed Hero at the bits with Sirius, though far milder and, well, a lot of things remind me of PKH these days). Skimming along, Harry is apparently...well, he just called Arwen his aunt, and Aragorn thought he was James for a minute? And earlier he said he talked to Hades? Yeah, uh, I think you could get a good mission out of this. There's definitely plenty to comment on.

Alright. With all that said...I'm afraid that, for now, it's Permission Denied. Fix the small errors in both the writing pieces and the profiles; spend a little time with Bradbury (or with making him come across consistently, depending); rework both your pieces (and run them by betas--it's good to see you had a beta this first time, by the way, forgot to mention); and submit them again. You truly have some great ideas here, and are obviously capable of writing that shines**; if you can expand and polish what's here, I think it has the potential to be amazing.

~Z

**See the second prompt's opening and, to a slightly lesser extent, Bradbury's first non-Ye Olde Englishe line.

(I’m new in this job and don’t know what to do.)

Like Zingenmir, I see a lot of potential and mostly like what I read. But I have an issue with Colonel Bradbury’s origin.

World One is just like Real Life, except that the PPC exists as a transdimensional organization. Worlds numbered 2 or higher are word worlds defined by their respective canon. World One and a Half (or 1.5) is just like World One except that Eusabius and Florestan somehow survived Robert Schumann’s death and became actual persons.

World 1.963 is just like World One except that some/many/most conspiracy theories are true (some must still be untrue, because otherwise certain aspects of this world would contradict each other). Minor issue: That’s probably what you mean, and I would buy it if I could find Archuelta Mesa on a map. Actually, the difference appears to be that in World 1.963, Archuelta Mesa and Dulce base exist, while the conspiracy theory about an alien base under Archuleta Mesa is still untrue. If this isn’t intentional, a typo in such a crucial point of your Draconian agent’s back story doesn’t bode well.

But in which way would World 1.567 repeating be different from World One? We can’t tell, because Bradbury, using the medical and cybernetic science of the 2050s, apparently comes from the future and we don’t know the future of World One. Thus, tacking an irrational number on his world of origin doesn’t work for me; he must be from some speculative work, even if it is unpublished original fiction.

Also, I don’t quite understand why Allen I. Nirvana immediately wants to recruit Colonel Bradbury. He says that he was working on something unrelated, so he is apparently aware that Bradbury is not a character of the fic Nirwana is investigating. Shouldn’t Nirwana ask some questions similar to what Bradbury asks him? Who are you? Where do you come from? What are you doing here? How did you get here? There is no implication that Nirwana watched Bradbury for some time and already found out some of the answers without asking. At least he figures that Bradbury can’t just leave and go home on his own, but did Bradbury show any signs of actually fitting into the PPC or not actually wanting to go home, or is the PPC so desperate for new recruits?

I like that Rasputin Gibbs is just sentenced to conscription into the PPC for making a nuisance and vigilante Sue killing. He obviously was under observation for some time, probably by several assassins who reported that he killed their Sue’s before they could get to them. What I don’t like so much is that it is a single paragraph tacked onto a different story. "We see both agents recruited" works better if both agents are recruited at the same time in the same place rather than in two unrelated chapters of a story that’s too short to have chapters. Perhaps you should have gone with the other option – "One agent tells the other how they were recruited" – where Gibbs could still chip in with some lines about his recruitment. But telling a story in dialogue may just not be your thing and I don’t nudge you to do that. Actually, my complaint here is more that it sets a bad example than that we don’t see enough of your second agent.

HG

This was pretty fun to read. You had me laughing a bit, multiple times, and I noticed very few errors--the only thing I really noticed was a time or two where there should possibly have been a new paragraph, which is pretty minor. There *might* also be a run-on sentence somewhere, but I'm not sure--I'm sleepy, and mainly just saw a bunch of commas without actually reading the sentence back a time or two to check that they work. Odds are it's fine. I do love your descriptions, and the vocabulary you use--while your style is obviously different than Scapegrace's, based on the first prompt I'd say you seem to have a similar quality to make me want to read more.

I do think your first prompt is better than your second. Especially the second half of the second. It felt a bit choppier, and possibly could have used a little more description or length (or both) to make it flow. I do see what you wanted it to be, with the whiskey as a punchline, but I'm not entirely sure it works to best effect. On the other hand, I *am* sleepy. Alert!me, or a different PG, can discuss that better (or raise eyebrows at sleepy!me and tell her to go back to sleep for a bit longer). Your first prompt, though, had a lot of good things in it at first read, though bits of it were a tiny bit choppy? I think? It was a fun read, though, like I said.

Didn't open the fic link, but I do rather like the idea of getting VR training missions from that site, if you don't want to make something up! It sounds like an interesting idea. I don't know how many VR training missions people have written (I think doctorlit wrote something along those lines for a prompt once?) but it could be interesting as part of an interlude, or something.

My Hat is partly off, however, because I don't feel awake enough to judge compatibility of some of this with the PPC universe. I say this not to alarm you, but mostly to get the attention of someone (again, whether a more alert future me or a different PG) who will be able to more clearly remember past agents and so on. I *think* the characters' skills are probably fine, though it's possible the finer details of recruitment should be tweaked a tiny bit, but I'd like a second, much more alert opinion.

So, conclusions: overall, this looks pretty good and was fun to read. While I think there is probably writing advice to be dispensed, it currently seems like it'll be fairly minor; apart from that the writing is rich in detail and vocabulary, has no really glaring SPaG problems, and is frequently amusing. A second look to give that writing advice, and comment more thoroughly on the second prompt, would be good. The second look should also double-check compatibility of some elements (small things, mind you--again, please don't panic) with the PPC universe. However, my sleepy verdict is that this looks promising, and probably needs very few changes, if any.

~Z, who should really go get less sleepy now. Preferably with food.

Here's my control prompt. I chose "we see both agents recruited." Once again thanks to hpoggie for being my beta.


Two Days

Colonel Caleb Bradbury, veteran of twenty years and uncounted battles, was having a very confusing day. He must have taken a wrong turn on the interstate, because now he was in some sort of idyllic countryside, and his preliminary scouting efforts had revealed a village home to what appeared to be well-dressed pygmies. Given that some of the houses appeared to be mostly underground, he did not discount the idea that he had landed in Matama, New Zealand, while the Fellowship Of the Ring was being filmed. Space-Time-and-The-Other tourism had taken him to stranger places, though the credibility of this as the destination of this particular detour was somewhat harmed by extreme realism of the area and the apparent lack of a camera crew.
But, of course, Bradbury had not risen through the ranks of the Argentine army by losing his head in unfamiliar situations. So, while he was confused, he didn’t show it. Instead, he occupied himself with concealing his vehicle. A television detector van, let alone one fitted with a Hydramatic drive, would cause some awkward questions in what could be a medieval society. This proved futile, as he had only the entrenching tool he had brought with him, and he was trying to hide a van. Instead, he unpacked his gear and made camp for the night. This consisted of hiding inside his overturned van and eating a protein bar. As both a soldier and a time tourist, he had gained the ability to sleep just about anywhere, so he quickly drifted off.
The next morning the Colonel awoke to a someone knocking on the door above him. He looked up to see one of the locals, and he unlocked the door. The humanoid quickly opened the door and climbed from the door frame into the van, using the seats as handholds. Bradbury thought briefly, unsure how to speak the locals, then said: “Hail and hello, kind sirrah. I bideth thee good tidings. Prithee, what bringest thou to mine cave of steel?” The creature pulled a notebook from one of his pockets, and began write. Bradbury could hear him mutter:
“Encountered extra-canonical humanoid… Seems to have caught sunstroke… In possession of high-value asset (currently damaged).”
“I assure you,” said Colonel Bradbury, “I am in full possession of all my faculties, except the faculty of the department of engineering, who could probably help me. But I digress. Perhaps you, in the absence of the faculty, could furnish aid?”
The man put away his notebook and looked at Bradbury as if he had just noticed him.
“Yes… I think we can come to some sort of deal. How about I take this wreck off your hands and get you out of here?”
“I accept this, but before we go, I have some questions. First: Where am I? Second: Why are you here? Third: How do we leave? And finally: Who are you?”
“Hobbiton; I was working on something unrelated; through a portal; and Allen I. Nirvana, department of Intelligence, PPC.”
“Excellent, let’s get out of here.”
“Tell me, are you interested in a job?”

Rasputin Gibbs lay in wait. Flashgun at the ready, he scanned the horizon for the shape of his target. Ever since the accident, this had been his life: the glitter-monsters were an affront to reality, so he killed them. It was simple, so it brought him comfort, and a creature in his situation needed a routine. As the thing came into view, he readied his weapon and prepared to make the kill. Then a teenager walked up to the thing that should not exist, and began to talk to it, getting in way of his shot. Gibbs held back. He didn’t kill people. As he waited, the kid finished talking, the monster said something, and then the kid killed it with a knife. Gibbs went to complement him on his work, but as Gibbs approached, the kid turned and spoke to him: “Rasputin Gibbs, you have been charged with making a nuisance and vigilante Sue killing. You are sentenced to conscription into the PPC. Look this way please.”
“Wait, wh-”