I'm not going cover the entire email chain, partially because it isn't a chain (zdimensia kept sending separate emails, rather than responding in-line), and partly because I have already spent more than enough time looking at this. So, here are excerpts.
zdimensia's list of demands:
This isn't a complete wishlist, and I realize that I won't unconditionally get everything, but I do have some ideas. Most of it involves trying to keep this from happening again to anyone else. I will take suggestions.
What I’m asking for may sound counterintuitive to what you(group) think I need, but don’t knock it until it’s tried. Remember that my brain works in fundamentally different ways than yours, what you’ve done hasn’t worked, and I might actually know what’s best.
A little bit later, there are some members that I’d like private mediation with.
{Very Strong Desire}
I would like my full story made available on the wiki so that it's easier to read than relying on the archives. (Or the entire thing would be somewhere else and an abridged version go on the wiki.) Hopefully we (me, the people who were there, and anyone who’s interested in reading the archives) can agree on a truth in between our versions of what happened. The purpose behind this is that I want it examined for mistakes on both sides and maybe we can get some insight on how to handle a problem like me in the future. I actually have some ideas for adjustments to the rules and guidelines that should be at least considered. This will take months at least to set up. Whatever discussion space is used, I would prefer a different software than webapps. (I don’t know if there is something free that works like https://www.writingforums.org/general-writing/ or if setting up a private subreddit would be a good idea. There’s probably a really easy solution that I don’t know about. What I’m after is for slow conversations because I don’t process things immediately. Also it would help if each point could be addressed as its own topic.)
When the story is complete, I request that some people who made mistakes to publicly acknowledge what they should do if something similar happens. There are some posts that I would like examined for whether they were wrong or right. I will of course be apologizing for a lot of things during this time. (If you need to point out apologizing for the wrong things, please be constructive and not mean.)
{Strong Desire}
I've noticed that the FAQ has been rewritten recently. Unless there was a point to having the Permission Process be confusing, I would like to contribute a Gdoc rewrite that would help make it clearer. I made almost all of the possible mistakes and have spent time thinking about why they happened.
{Very Strong Desire}
I would like it acknowledged that I was a good enough writer to get Permission if I hadn’t made so many mistakes. (Confirm with Laburnum who read a mission. Or I could freshly polish a proper request either from last summer or 2014.) It wasn’t that I couldn’t take concrit, it was that I took it without understanding it and got into an unworkable jam. SamuriIreland did say that I’m not difficult to work with during betaing.
{Somewhat Strong Desire}
Since there is no risk in telling the truth now, I’d like an honest discussion about whether it would have been possible for me to be in board-space once everyone was calm.
To add to that, anyone who complained about the way I took concrit, how about some tips about how to do it better?
{Needs a convincing argument to be rejected}
I do enjoy reading PPC stories. I would like wiki access so that if I find a story that should be linked to an article or a minor inconsistency, I could go in and make positive minor adjustments. I realize that this one should cause some hesitation, but the problem was the board-space and my tendency to act like a mirror. I should be fine if I'm not interacting in that environment. Plus, my punishment has been served. This of course would be taken away if I don't behave.
{Somewhat strong desire}
This is volunteer dependent, but I would like to create a PPC-like world and I don’t know which elements I can steal from the PPC universe. This could be shared with anyone who wants to work there instead of the PPC. I would like help with that if possible. Also, I don’t know if I have 30 Legacy of Kain missions drafted, but I do have a lot of stories to rewrite and it is very difficult to find a beta for this genre. I would like help if that is possible. Most people I’ve talked to away from the board aren’t that bad outside of that space.
I would like my co-write offer left up. If there are no takers in a year or two, it can go in author-requested missions. I just don’t have the skill to handle that one. (It has been recommended as goodfic, but there are still enough bad parts to make a mission, I think.)
That was the starting point. In order for us to get zdimensia to leave for good, we would have to spend quite a bit more time dealing with them directly. Not too keen on that idea, given how every attempt to talk with them directly has gone.
Now, there were other emails in there. One in which zdimensia claims that Neshomeh needs help before she hurts anyone else.
Another email came down the line requesting apologies to Mythcreant and Nony. I explained, again, that either they are, in fact, sock puppets or they were an attempt to get around the ban via a second person. Either way, no apology was warranted, and none would be given. However, if either of these people wanted to contact me, they could. What I got back was a lot of reasons I wouldn't hear from Nony, and a lot of dragging of feet in regards to Mythcreant. I assume this means zdimensia only has the one extra email, at the moment.
At that point, I decided to stop being distracted by the side issues, and reply to the list of demands.
I want you to go away forever. That is what I want. I never want to have to think about you ever again. To that end, here is the compromise on your list of demands.
- We won't rehash the events of the last few years, because I don't believe we will ever agree on what happened and why. We will compromise by letting you submit your written version of events for us to put on the wiki page with the archives.
- Submit your document for the Permission article. I can even guarantee that people other than me will read it, but not that the article will change because of it.
- I acknowledge that you got Permission as Bramandin. It has since been revoked because of the banning, but no one is denying that you got Permission before you were banned.
- No Wiki access. That is an explicit part of being banned.
- We can't stop you from writing your own non-PPC thing, so go ahead, but don't expect any help from us. As long as it is distinctly different from the PPC, why should we care? And don't just change the names. That's lazy and someone else already tried that once.
- We will leave the co-write request up.
- I will not be passing any messages on to individuals in the group. Most of the people you want to speak to have already expressed that they don't wish to hear from you.
That is what we can give you. All we ask in return is that you never try to re-enter a PPC space, that you do not contact any of our members, and that you do not send any representative to contact the group on your behalf.
Not good enough.
Not really good enough.
I don't want your vague apology to be the only acknowledgment of wrongdoing. I want enough of my hurts and suffering displayed and acknowledged until it's undeniable that it happened and that it was bad enough to ruin my life. I want every lie to be countered with truth so that the group understands what it did. I want it burned into memory so that you do not do it again. Except for the people you won't acknowledge exist, I'm probably not the only one you've hurt. I will not go quietly.
I don't think you acknowledged that some rules should be examined.
It will take a while for me to write the permission document, and I would like a call for volunteers to beta it before it leaves my control. Then I want it displayed publicly so that everyone active at the time can review it and decide if they want any of the changes to take effect.
I argue that a full ban was undeserved at any point. Most of it was because of lies and misunderstandings.
I said that it needed to be a convincing argument. I didn't even deserve to be banned for as long as I was, much less permabanned.
I'm not going to create a new sandbox unless you call for volunteers. I won't rewrite any of my stories to be non-PPC before publishing without volunteers at least asked for. This should be accompanied by how I'm not as bad as you(group) have made me out to be.
Thanks for at least leaving the co-write request up.
[Line Redacted by Phobos]
On a tangent about wrongdoing and banning, I don't think I ever got to properly explain the racism and what was thought to be neo-nazi support. By the strict definition, I'm not really a racist. I don't hate black people for being black, think that they're less-than anyone else because of it, or work to oppress them. I got mixed up about what racism really means, and I'm less racist than Barid. Did you get a year's ban for writing him? The neo-nazi stuff was a complete misunderstanding, and I'm quite the opposite. I don't even think having a lapsed Jew character was cultural appropriation enough for more than a demand to change it. I want the original ban re-examined.
I would like to especially draw attention to this line: "I want enough of my hurts and suffering displayed and acknowledged until it's undeniable that it happened and that it was bad enough to ruin my life. I want every lie to be countered with truth so that the group understands what it did. I want it burned into memory so that you do not do it again."
That tells me that no amount of compromise was ever going to be enough. It was all or nothing, and they were negotiating in bad faith.
So, now we go back to playing Whack-a-Mole every time zdimensia pops up. I also think it is a good idea, going forward, to simply ban them and delete their posts without comment. We've done what we can, and they are basically just trying to terrorize us, now. The last thing they said before I blocked them was "You change your mind or you'll be seeing me the next time I move."
Anyway, I'm sure we're going to hear about how terrible a person I am, but you know what? I don't particularly care. I have only a limited number of f***s to give, and I am not wasting them on zdimensia.
-Phobos
ps - There is a redacted line and some bits missing from my explanation. Those involved a member of the community that has made it abundantly clear that they want nothing to do with this, so I took those bits out. I only point them out now so that I do not get accused of hiding important evidence or something.