I'm not, so I don't feel comfortable making a final decision. However, I'm leaning toward a "not yet." Your writing is okay in that the SPaG checks out, but I thought the overall tone was more angry than it was funny (both characters seem to have quite the snooty 'tude on them), and I found myself confused about where we were, what was happening, who was speaking, etc., more than I like.
For instance, I didn't find out we were in a Suefic before somewhere in the middle of the second page. Up until that point, everything relating to the mission is a past-tense discussion of how it went, so I thought it was over and Cale just had an RC with an odd-colored floor.
Incidentally, did you know the crash dummies deflate into squishy cubes for storage and transportation?
Another specific issue I can point to is dialogue attribution. You really, really don't need a tag for everything, and it can become incredibly redundant, such as in this one:
- "‘I’m sorry, okay,’ she apologised"
I could see she was apologizing because she said she was sorry. The narrator didn't need to tell me that. I was paying attention, I promise.
That's the most obvious example, but it comes up elsewhere, too, as in "the troll rationalized", "she remarked", "she conceded", etc. Almost always, such tags are redundant. I know she just rationalized, remarked, or conceded something, because I read the bit where she did it. Context supplies the how and why much better than being told about it.
For comparison, here's a good example of well-attributed dialogue:
- "Cale looked at her, bemused. ‘So you know why I’m here?’"
The description of Cale's expression tells me it's her line of dialogue and supplies everything I need to know about her tone, without any extra "she verbed" bit tacked on the end. It's clean, efficient, and effective. More like this would be better; or even just "Cale said" if you need to distinguish who's talking. You can't go too far wrong with a nice, simple "said."
On the other hand, it's easy to get carried away with huffs and sniffs and snaps and sighs and other extraneous noises. It's actually very difficult to speak those sounds, particularly the sniff. I dare you to try it sometime. {; P You definitely can't speak a gesture, as here:
- "‘Cale, I am so glad you are back. Please, explain to me how the “it oon database” works,’ Narciss gestured towards the console."
Also, not to spark another argument about paragraphing, but I would really seriously discourage everyone from writing lines with one person's actions next to another person's dialogue. It can get confusing quickly. For instance, take these lines:
- "Cale glared up at a grey face, which was fixed in a disapproving expression. ‘I did try to get your attention,’ the troll rationalised. Cale moved to rub her thumb against her palm, but stopped in mid-motion. Nervous tics were dead give-aways, and although ‘Professor’ Holmes wasn’t snickering at her currently, she was trying to break the habit before the end of the semester."
This dialogue is in the middle of a paragraph all about Cale, so it should be Cale's dialogue. If the reader doesn't know the grey face goes with the troll, they're going to be confused. The problem is compounded when we get to the next paragraph:
- "‘I thought you were supposed to stay in your “tower”,’ she remarked. The troll snorted, flopping down beside her."
Who is speaking here? We just left a Cale paragraph, and a new paragraph signals a new speaker, so it can't be Cale. But wait, it actually is Cale, even though the troll has an action on that line, which would normally signal that it's the troll's dialogue.
This is a problem because time that the reader spends figuring out what's going on with the dialogue is time they're not spending being involved in the story. You want to keep them hooked and not give them any excuse to wander off until you're good and done, yes? {= )
Anyway, those are the things that jump out at me. I really think another PG or two should add their two cents, especially since I can't comment at all on the characterization of the troll.
~Neshomeh