Subject: An attempt at the review
Author:
Posted on: 2018-02-16 00:50:00 UTC

  • I wonder whether or not the choice of link text is significant ...
    - Ok, those Overwatch usernames are nice
    - The swordfighting training was a cool thing, and you did a good job of showing Charlotte's level of being in shape compared to Ix
    - ... omai? I think that next bit gets an omai.
    - I'm with Lotte on the "not getting shot" thing
    - Oh, man ... those transitions. inb4 Charlotte gets knocked out by one
    - Narrator, stop acknowledging the innuendos I had in my head :P
    - Ok, I'm not following the dress code thing
    - Oh ... nvm, I didn't notice the hair thing in the fic. That makes sense new (a few paragraphs later)
    - Ok, that's a clever execution method which is going to fail now that you've mentioned it on page
    - Awww. Ix/Lotte in the Jack conversation is cute
    - The middle of a dangerous mission is a perfect time for a snogging session, I'd say
    - Wow, this Sue's massively flip-floppy characterization.
    - Ok, that Ix/Lotte flirting with the accent ... sexy interlude when? :P
    - High speed broom chase?
    - Looks like I didn't need to wait for an interlude :P
    - Took me a moment to figure out that "part of a dream" was the Sues's dream
    - Ok, Jack is funny
    - Oh my, that ending ...

    Review: Ok, so that was overall good. You got in a bunch of relationship development for Ix and Charlotte.

    One complaint I have is that you hammered in the inconsistent characterization of the Sue a whole lot, comparatively, but that could be because it's the major persistent issue. Idk. Might be worth looking in to.

    - Tomash

Reply Return to messages