Subject: An attempt at the review
Author:
Posted on: 2018-02-16 00:50:00 UTC
- I wonder whether or not the choice of link text is significant ...
- Ok, those Overwatch usernames are nice
- The swordfighting training was a cool thing, and you did a good job of showing Charlotte's level of being in shape compared to Ix
- ... omai? I think that next bit gets an omai.
- I'm with Lotte on the "not getting shot" thing
- Oh, man ... those transitions. inb4 Charlotte gets knocked out by one
- Narrator, stop acknowledging the innuendos I had in my head :P
- Ok, I'm not following the dress code thing
- Oh ... nvm, I didn't notice the hair thing in the fic. That makes sense new (a few paragraphs later)
- Ok, that's a clever execution methodwhich is going to fail now that you've mentioned it on page
- Awww. Ix/Lotte in the Jack conversation is cute
- The middle of a dangerous mission is a perfect time for a snogging session, I'd say
- Wow, this Sue's massively flip-floppy characterization.
- Ok, that Ix/Lotte flirting with the accent ... sexy interlude when? :P
- High speed broom chase?
- Looks like I didn't need to wait for an interlude :P
- Took me a moment to figure out that "part of a dream" was the Sues's dream
- Ok, Jack is funny
- Oh my, that ending ...
Review: Ok, so that was overall good. You got in a bunch of relationship development for Ix and Charlotte.
One complaint I have is that you hammered in the inconsistent characterization of the Sue a whole lot, comparatively, but that could be because it's the major persistent issue. Idk. Might be worth looking in to.
- Tomash