Subject: It's looking good so far.
Author:
Posted on: 2018-01-15 17:25:00 UTC

Technically speaking, there's not that much to beta. I didn't spot a single SPaG error. That doesn't mean there are none, but still!

The only spots where I was actually confused were the bit about how long Reill's been a bard and a little bit of a pronoun problem.

The first: "'Ten years,' he said, smiling. 'Five years, if you count the traveling as part of it.'"

So... he's been a bard for less time if you include the travel? I don't get it.

The second: "And in that moment, Reill realized he loved him."

I think you're most likely saying Reill realizes he loves Hallow, but it could also be read as Reill realizing that Hallow loves him, given the previous line of description detailing how admiringly Hallow is looking at him. I think fixing it would involve turning the focus back to Reill.

The prose is maybe a bit stiff in places, a bit "there was this and then there was that," but it relaxes as you go, and you also have some beautiful descriptions that light up the world. I love the detail you put into the various regions, the foods of the South, the goods that come through Harrow's dock, and all of that.

As for the actual content? I like it! It's a very sweet and happy sort of world that Hallow lives in, up until the jerks turn up. Part of what makes this work better than your usual A/B/O fic is that this is (I think?) an original universe, where these are just the rules everyone is used to. You're not trying to stick these bizarre templates on characters who don't otherwise have them. You are also careful to remember that while people may fall into broad categories like, to take a real world example, "gay" or "straight," that doesn't mean everyone in the category thinks and acts the same. (Nor does everyone necessarily fit neatly into them in the first place, which may or may not be something you want to deal with; I'm just covering my butt.) Shockingly, we're all individuals!

As someone who is only familiar enough with A/B/O to know how deeply weird it is and that it has nothing to do with how wolves actually behave, I could use a little more information on what those categories mean in this world? I sorta get the impression that alphas are big and strong, and omegas are soft and pretty, and betas... actually betas haven't really come up at all yet. But on the other hand, I also appreciate that it's not treated as a terribly big deal; it just is. Like it would be if that's how the world worked.

I like how you've developed the relationship between Hallow and Reill so far. Objectively, it might've come to the point a bit quickly (three days, I think?), but it feels very natural nonetheless. Being able to talk to a person for hours, and feeling immediately comfortable in their presence, like they're an extension of yourself... that's how I fell in love with Phobos. So of course I like that. {= )

To answer Reill's question about happiness, have the quote from Moulin Rouge that immediately leapt into my head:

The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return.


~Neshomeh

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