Subject: It's not bad
Author:
Posted on: 2017-12-28 06:26:00 UTC
But it feels empty or incomplete somehow? You have this solid magic system in place but it lacks... something. I can't really say it in a word. Your magic is solid, but it lacks intricacy, so to speak. So far, all it tells me is the what, it doesn't tell me the why and how. You mention a cost for your magic, here is where you could elaborate much more. In general, yes, costs vary widely, but maybe a certain type of cost can be more closely associated with a certain type of magic. Like say draining lifespan is more common in necromancy. Also, are there any taboos for magic use, rules that the world itself enforces? A common one would be "any attempt to fully bring back the dead will result in something really bad". You also have Ofuda, which is a regional magic, why only one? Other cultures have surely created their own magics; using other regional magics can open up opportunities for contrast and character interaction, such as using Taoism to compare and contrast with Ofuda. Finally, you mentioned magitek, that's all well and good, but maybe try and think a bit more on how that would work, consider things such as power source and how the magic is actually delivered. What about some of its uses other than "powers electronic devices"? Maybe it lets a normal person with no magical talent cast simple spells through a smartphone app, or lets cameras take pictures of otherwise invisible objects. Your magic system is really good so far, but it can use a lot more detail, especially since it's supposed to be "another form of science".
As for the races, there isn't really much to say here other than that it shares pretty much the same problem as the magic. It's has the stereotypical fantasy races with a bunch of other mythological creatures added in. It's nice, but your elves are just elves, you could have done away with the description of the fair folk and I would still know what the fair folk are like. Although, this is a pretty minor problem and doesn't necessarily have to be addressed. The big problem is that you did the region thing again. Your world is on a global scale and thus should logically have more than just western and Japanese monsters. India and the middle east exists in your world, no? Where are the rakshasas and asuras? Or the silas and ifrits? These don't belong to the bestiary because they are sapient.
All in all, its a great base for your world, but there is a lot more detailing to be done for your magic system, and maybe try making it a bit more globalized given the setting.