Subject: Late 2000's me
Author:
Posted on: 2017-08-31 02:34:00 UTC
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I won't apologize. But I do feel really bad about it.
[Eats pancake. Feels better]
This one is...well...yeah. Have fun, everyone. After this, we get into the meat of the team formation, for better or worse.
Mission Title: The Phoenix Files – Miller, S.; Miller, P.; Koster, P.; NLN, S.; Toombs, D.
Canon: Patriot Games, Don’t Say a Word, Ronin, Airborne
Rating: E
Agents: Callahan, K. [Probationary]
Time Period: January 2003
Target: Miller, S.; Miller, P.; Koster, P.; NLN, S.; Toombs, D. [Recruitment]
Word Count: 801
Source Summary: Hey, remember those old Team Phoenix recruitment mission thingamabobs from uhhh 2003? YOU BETTER NOT. BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL GONE. THIS IS THE RETCON. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
All of the fics cited don’t really exist. This one, though, is essentially me from 2001. I am so sorry, everyone.
Part Three: The Actual Worst.
but you really did do a good job replicating those old horrendous, incoherent scriptfic thingies. You did a really good job of parodying them, too - how Kitty sort of, overrides the whole thing, starts exploiting the scriptiness of it to her own needs. Agents exploiting the fic and medium and all has a sort of, fine line between being contrived and, er, not being contrived, but you built up to it and delivered it properly enough it wasn't, I'd say!
Bloody, excited to see you expand more on the Team Phoenix fellows, too!
The sheer incoherency of the 'fic' feels exactly like the old author's notes you used to see around - the ones where the author argues with their muses/kidnaps canon characters/is worshipped by said canons/etc. I'm not sure I've ever seen a fic that was this A/N-y all the way through, but they're out there, for sure.
My one issue with it is that I've never heard anything about any of the four canons, so I don't have the faintest idea who these people are. But that's how missions work, so!
hS
Heh heh. Heh heh. Heh. Okay.
I assumed every Team Phoenix member was getting their own recruitment story, so I was not expecting this. The silly and gross-out nature of the fic, as well as Kitty's admission that she's only been acting mature, make this feel like a proper punchline of the trilogy.
The script format is . . . hard to read, but I'm sure that was part of your intention. I am actually a little disappointed we don't get a proper glimpse of each Bean character's world, since I've never seen any of those movies, and the not-Boromir-and-Alec members have always been more background in your stories. Hopefully we'll learn more about their settings as the team forms in the next entry?
One purely curious question: When Kitty says, "for the love of Iau," is Iau a Zelda- or Yu-Gi-Oh!-verse deity?
—doctorlit has totally assumed for years that Kitty had actual cat ears based on her picture on the wiki, so he's really glad you included that line about the headband, but also really embarrassed
The rest of the team are going to get more fleshed out, don't worry! Part of the reason for their rampant OOCness is, well, the writer of the scriptfic didn't bother to do much with their home canons. We'll see a little about that later. >:3c
Iau is actually a deity from the Young Wizards/Feline Wizardry universe! Kitty's been spending some time in the PPC library, which is going to get interesting for her pretty soon...
(Yeah, oops! I've needed to clarify that a lot, because, uh, she very much did used to have cat ears, back in the Before Time.)
Oh man, this hits me right in the nostalgia. I think I was exactly this ridiculous up through about 2004-2005, and I was definitely old enough to know better (but still too young to care). Sigh. Blayze, Hawky, Ori, and the rest of you lovely folks, if you're out there, I still love you and the crazy shenanigans we got up to.
I don't know what else there is to say. Thank you for making me laugh and remember some very good times. ^_^
~Neshomeh
[Runs away laughing maniacally]
hS can out-ridiculous you all
I didn't expect some kind of Pythonesque Inquisition...
hS
*baffs hS, runs away* Mweeheehee!
~N
[Scowls] Why are you not fearing? How am I supposed to bring in the ruin and red might fall if the wrath doesn't work?
...this is pretty much peak Early Aughts for me. Pancakes, overwrought villain dialogue, descriptions instead of emoticons, random Tolkien references... All that's missing is the ridiculously long strung-together series of actions.
[Looks around; shrugs; cooks a fresh batch of pancakes; nibbles on one; starts laying the others as the tastiest landmines you ever did see, complete with spring-loaded frying pans]
hS
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I won't apologize. But I do feel really bad about it.
[Eats pancake. Feels better]
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hS
*Throws EBDIC at hS*
[continues to eat delicious pancake]
*puts on a Kylo Ren costume and chases after hS and Nesh with my plastic lightsaber, but mostly hS because he is easily driven nuts and I love driving people nuts hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*
-Twistey
[Pulls out a CD player and cues up Duel of the Fates; draws topaz lightsaber] Have at ye, scoundrel!
[Thwummm; ktschsss; tschaaa; wrrrrmmmthwumm; sudden backflip and pancake to the face ha!]
hS
Oh yeah?! You want to go?!
*Since your lightsaber is real and not made of plastic, grabs an actual Kylo Ren lightsaber and slices the pancake off my face with it. It falls to the floor. Then we begin the actual lightsaber duel.*
-Twistey (who is soooooo going to draw this. What do you look like, again?)
[Specifically, uses the Force to fling streams of pancakes at Twistey] I am a servant of the Secret Kitchen, wielder of the Flame of Lucas. The Dark Side will not avail you, Flame of Disney! You cannot pass!
((You may find pictures of me scattered through the Gathering reports. And since I'm stealing Legolas' Lord of the Pancakes shtick again, I guess I must be back in my 'white tunic and black cloak' outfit. Since you asked. ^_~))
hS
[slices pancakes with lightsaber] I'm not actually fighting for Disney, I'm just wearing a Kylo outfit because that's what popped into my mind first for costume ideas. I hate The Force Awakens too. Perhaps I should go a little further to drive you nuts with the worse installments of canons? [suddenly, my Kylo outfit turns into a Delphini Diggory outfit and I start zapping the pancakes with my wand.]
-Twistey
Craim an edraith ammen! Craim dan i ngûl!
[Streams of pancakes fly at Twistey]
("Cakes for the saving of us! Cakes against the sorcery!" Yep, we're back to misquoting Gandalf.)
(Also I enjoyed The Force Awakens. But hating a) everything new and b) Disney is the epitome of early-aughts behaviour, and it fed delightfully into the Gandalfing. Anyway, back to the pancakes.)
hS
(Your computer blocks a lot of stuff, dun't it? 2015 Canterbury Gathering by way of GDocs.)
[zaps and dodges pancakes] Maybe I should've stuck with the lightsabeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!
[Twizzy zaps a bunch of stuff including pancakes and Huinesoron]
Twizzy: Fried British guy!
Me: O.O What.
-Twistey (thanks for the pics. I've figured out some weird round-about way to post my doodle here.)
(And I think we're about to have a new recruit as a result.)
-Twistey
(without getting an account, that is, is to put it on this site I found entirely dedicated to slapping googly eyes on things.)
(Here it is. Also, yay, people finally get to see what I look like! At least in drawings. Which isn't too far off from reality, because I'm done with the old avatar I had when I was on Scratch.)
http://www.makemegoogly.com/UY7CW
-Twistey
The googly eyes absolutely make it, I'm telling you.
This is going in my fanart folder. ^_^
hS
(Oh well)
-Twistey
*adds chocolate chips to pancake batter, bakes, hurls with special pancake catapult; delicious chocolate smears everywhere*
MUAHAHAHAHA!
(Join the Dark Side: we have brownies! And access to all the chocolate in the world, really. Except the stuff the light siders bake into their chocolate chip cookies, but our chocolate is more decadent anyway, so it doesn't matter. Nyah.)
~Z, who almost definitely signed her name ~DF back in the days when she was a young teenager babbling about brownies and writing mini comment-scriptfics for Harry Potter fans' amusement. And who should probably have added more exclamation points to the evil laugh for historical accuracy...ah well. Next time. Muaha.
If we are...
*Suddenly, ten-year-old me appears next to present-day me*
Twistey: Oh Gott, not this kid. Hi Twizzy.
Twizzy: Hi there! Are we having a lightsaber duel!
Twistey:Yes.
Twizzy: Okay then! *begins zapping everyone with OOC force lightning*
Twistey: *GROOOOOOOAN* I guess this means I have a combat ally here. Okay.
-Twistey
In that case... Lou, you there?
{Always. It's been a while.}
I know. Fancy fighting a Force-wielding ten-year-old?
{... these conversations get weirder every time.}
I know. Shall I take that as a yes?
{I guess so. Right, small electrical person, have at you! ... er, I should probably have found a weapon first. [Runs away. Fast]}
Attagirl.
((It's Lou, she's also Agent Lou, she lives in my head and occasionally comes out to play.))
hS {and Lou}
Jenni: No. You are not dragging me into this. I am a mature, responsible OC with a kid and an unsteady boyfriend and everything. I have worked very hard to get away from being your barely non-Suvian avatar.
Me: All this is true. Nonetheless, here you are. *g*
Jenni: ... Oh, hang it all. *spots Lou running away* Lou! Over here! Come be a sane author's-head-person with me!
Me: Sure, you do that. Now, where did I put the Salmon O'Doom...?
~Neshomeh
{How's, ah... Henry, isn't it? Getting on with the other kids in HQ? We're... wait, where are we in the timeline?}
{Oh, right. Sorry, it's been a bit back-and-forth these past few years. We were thinking of putting Diane in the Buds you've got going there, but it might mess the next couple of years up a bit. Still, it must be good for Henry to have other children to play with, right?}
... this is not how this was supposed to go.
hS
{Well, you should have thought of that before you dragged me in here against my will. ~Lou}
Wow. Do all of us have OCs trapped in our heads?
{Might I come out and provide a lesson to these mortals?}
Thoth, does the lesson involve Doombolt?
{This... May be the case.}
Thoth, you are not allowed to Doombolt civilians.
{I am an Astartes and a Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons! I am more powerful than you can even conceive of!}
Firstly, I can: I'm fairly certain your arrogance is growing by the day. And secondly, you are currently residing in my head. So bugger off.
{*sigh*. Very well. I shall return to my work on the Voynitch Manuscript}
Let me know when you're done. I want to play.
{Evidence suggests the contents of the Manuscript are not a game}
And who do you think I trust more? Randall, or you?
{Must I suffer such indignity as to even answer that question?}
Well, I could always send you back to your previous master...
{...}
Okay, I think we're done here.
-Thoth {and Thoth}
Twizzy: *zaps random people except for me*
Twistey: [calmly fighting with Huinesoron] This is a lot better now that I know you're not quite as overbearing as I thought you were earlier. Heh. Maybe just for fun, though, I'll still jump on threads and start up a bunch of Looney Tunes-style antics to see what happens.
Twizzy: Wait, he was a bad guy?
Twistey: NO LET ME EXPLAIN-
Twizzy: *zaps Huinesoron a bunch*
-Twistey (who is sorry, but she had to :P)
I bet it wouldn't be too hard to invent a surrealist game from Voynich.
Okay, ground rule: you can only use things found on the manuscript itself. No English text, no numbers. Pages are numbered as per the Wikipedia table (at the bottom of the Description section; you need to expand it if you're on a desktop PC.)
158 is your world map. Nine zones, which can be moved between via the links. The mountains extending out from the corner zones are Cluedo-like passages, leading to the opposite corners.
The Herbal section (most of the book, example which appears to be Silphium) and the Pharmaceutical (161-165, 175-182, example) are obviously the core of the game. The goal is to collect enough Herbal cards which look vaguely like those on one of the five Pharmaceutical cards shown face-up to make that potion.
The Zodiac pages (128-134, example) are your character cards. The 'nymphs' around your player are what you have to treat with the potions; the number you've managed to treat determines what you can do with...
The Biological section (135-154, example. These are blocks you can throw in the way of your opponents; the trick is that you need to have treated (on your Zodiac card) the number of 'nymphs' in the Biological card in order to use it. Every player has a full set of Biological cards; once deployed, they stay on the board until broken past. You can deploy one per turn.
The Astronomical (122-124, example) and Cosmological (125-127, 156, 157) sections are what you use to break past the Biological/Nymph sections. If blocked by one (that isn't your own colour), you draw an Astro card. You then use the words/letters printed on the Herbal cards in your hand to try and spell at least three words on the Astro card. If you succeed, congrats! You break the Biological and get past.
You pick up five Herbals every time you step into a new zone on the board. Your goal is to have all of your opponents pinned between two of your Biological cards, while you stand in the central section.
As for the final Recipe section (183-205)? That's the purported rules. You hand them to new players and say 'make sure you read them thoroughly before we start'. :D The actual rules are conveyed purely through word-of-mouth.
So, whaddaya think? Playable?
hS
I'm not sure. Assuming by "cards" you mean pages, then sure.
If you don't know, I was actually referencing this. But I assume you do, and just wanted an excuse to make up a surrealist game.
But playing the original requires a) the actual Voynich manuscript, and b) a gaming group made up of Francis Bacon, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Hildegard of Bingen. While that is admittedly the best gaming group ever listed, it's not very feasible, so we'll make some simplified cards and play Junior Voynich.
(I did indeed get the reference, and checked explainxkcd to see if anyone had done the invention part before me. But my game doesn't require reading the manuscript, which gives it a huge advantage. ^_^)
hS
Work, playdates, occasionally saving my friends from their own idiotic ideas. The usual. And yes, Henry's great, thank you! ^_^ He's... wait, speaking of the timeline, are we doing this in real time, or storyline time? 'Cause if we're in storyline time, it's still mid-2016 and he's seven and everyone is fine, thanks for asking. Otherwise he's eight, and I don't wanna talk about it. Spoilers.
So, uh, you should definitely have Diane in the Buds! It's the closest thing to a normal childhood experience anyone is likely to get around here, and yes, children interacting with other children is a very good thing. Teaches important life skills like sharing, tolerance for those who are different from you, not always getting your way, viewing the utterly bizarre as commonplace and normal...
Speaking of which. *eyeballs head!Thoth* If we're doing 2004, is this gonna turn into one of those things where we gang up on the puffed-up edgelord and subject him to our nonsense until he gives up and caves to the authors' desire for either lighthearted silly fluff or unending angst, with practically no middle ground whatsoever? 'Cause I've had my share, seriously.
On the other hand, if we go pre-2004, I can always break out the semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic powers on his grimdark butt. *g*
Neshomeh: *reenters the chat* No need, I've got this covered. I found John Oliver's salmon cannon! Sure, it's anachronistic, but so very appropriate. WHOOSHH! *starts firing salmon at everyone indiscriminately* Mweeheeheehee!
Jenni: *facepalm* Sweet Powers...
In answer to your question regarding my counterpart, absolutely not. I am a Very Serious Writer, and I am writing Very Serious Character who should be taken Seriously. Grr. Angst. Angst. Angst.
{AUGH! HE'S IMPERSONATING ME!}
Thoth, stop trying to convince people you're me. I am obviously the real Thoth.
{Come on, that voice is impossibly deep. Nobody's buying it.}
Foul Sorcerer of The Great Ocean! Cease your trickery!
{*facepalms* Thoth. If you're going to impersonate me, at least do it properly.}
In any case, I am an angsty dolt, so by no means should you mock me or my OC. At all. In any way.
{Could you stop making me look like an idiot?}
It is pretty easy to- I mean, Thoth, I could never make someone of your incredible brilliance look like an idiot!
{*facepalms*. You served the literal god of lies for 10,000 years. How are you this bad at this? There must be some kind of comic stupidity enhancement field in a effect around here...}
I have no idea what you mean just then, because I am stupid.
Anyways, in conclusion, don't mock me. Just I just didn't mock myself.
{*facepalms*}
-Thoth {Don't believe him, it's actually Thoth!}
{How do we figure out which one is the real Thoth? In fact, can we even call one real? They're both using the same name! The only difference is in the brackets, and} that's just an affectation {anyway.}
{... oh, wait. Solution! We tag along with Neshomeh and unleash the nonsense indiscriminately. It's foolproof!}
{Now, where did I put those chat archives? [Digs through the logs; pulls out hS and Kaitlyn's marshmallow guns from early '04; starts pelting the Thoths with Bertie Bottt's Every Flavour Marshmallows] It's amazing what mini-Aragogs do with their time. Want a gun, Jenni? ~Lou}
*takes out Jellybaby shotgun*
{*Summons greater Daemon of fluff*}
-Thoth (and Thoth!)
*baffs Nesh and hS*
YES! THE PYTHON INQUISITION! Our chief weapons are surprise and fear, fear and surprise... I'm sorry, can I try this again?
hS, you're practically Required Reading at this point. We all know *exactly* how ridiculous you can be.
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