Subject: Okay, so I'd like some laser weapons.
Author:
Posted on: 2018-12-25 23:01:00 UTC
I'll take 'em back to the lab to experiment on them so I can build different laser weapons out of them, if that's alright with you.
-Twistey
Everyone gets whatever they can take from the shipping container of Imperial Guard surplus I've brought in. (The ship is St.Celestine/Malakim Phoros.)
Hot chocolate for all!
With that in mind... Packets of metallic feather down for everyone! Just add a magnet or two and watch the fun begin!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6WkIEv_NG8
Peace on Earth, folks, and good will to all! <3
That was supposed to say "metallic powder down". Think of the kind produced by parrots or herons, but from Skarmory's iron feathers!
Everyone gets a bolt shell casing engraved with a Chapter marking of their choice!
On further inspection, it looks like it's an unfired round, sent here by random Warp activity. I hope no one needed this.
Grabs the recaf from the shipping crate.
Chocolate chip cookies for everyone!
Would make my own, but I can't be bothered.
There doesn’t appear to be much snow... well, I can fix that!
*uses snow powers to cover the entire Board in snow*
*dons decoy robe*
*pulls up YouTube and spends 5 minutes looking for a good battle theme to play*
Ah! There it is!
*hits play*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s4JdSStGc
It's time for another elemental war! Who's with me?!
-Twistey Is At It Again
Can I please have some allies this time?
Oh yes, now I have Permission and an elemental agent...
*Agent Edward falls through plothole*
Attack. No, not me, you idiot, Twistey!
((If I had an Insanity Detector it would be beeping like mad. Edward has water powers, by the way.))
I have two elemental agents as well, well, agents-to-be (one has earth powers, one has gravity powers, they'll be partners), but I don't have Permission yet.
So for now, I guess I'll just have to find some extras among my canon brethren and convince them to hide their faces so no one gets alarmed. Be right back. *portals to Wolfenstein 3D*
-Twistey
I shall build myself some defences!
*starts building snow fortress, aided by Agent Edward and snow powers*
*ten minutes later* What do you mean, that's an unrealistically short time to build a fortress?
Now all I need is an army to defend against the inevitable siege - oh, and I'd better make this snow fireproof to stop it burning down.
Catch me if you can, Twistey! What could possibly go wrong?
(I do know I tempted the Ironic Overpower. It's your job to help it out.)
Cue music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV0F_XiR48Q
You didn't waterproof it, though. Hey Edward, free goodies from Castle Wolfenstein if you soak that fortress to the ground.
And just in case if not... you didn't fireproof the snow on the ground either. The snow that your fortress is built on. Alright brothers, let's tunnel through the floor and take this baby from the inside out! *ceremonially T-poses and begins digging through the snow*
-Twistey
Edward says he wants to know exactly what these "goodies" are before he makes up his mind.
Oh. It seems we have a problem. I'd better hurry up with making that snow army!
*starts building loads of fireproof snowmen*
*uses snow powers to fire snowballs out of the window at the decoys*
Pah! That's what I like about puppets! They don't feel pain or cold!
*We continue digging*
Oh, and Edward, I think you'd be most interested in a 1-Up, which gives you the chance to come back from death one time. Over in Wolfenstein, that's no big deal, but in continua where you only have one... Good deal, ja?
-Twistey
And I’m running out of ideas now. My snow army is probably useless now, but there’s no sense in wasting all my effort building them. Snow army, attack!
Edward, if you accept that offer, I will find the nastiest badfic I can which isn’t already claimed...
You already did that with the whole “princess of the unicorns” thing. That’s our forthcoming first mission.
I will make you go through every chapter of that thing, not just the something-teen you managed.
Well, the idea of coming back from death is very tempting, but so is the idea of all my missions being absolutely nightmarish. And I do have ways of escaping death, even if I can’t outrun it forever....
...give me some time to make up my mind.
In the meantime, I think I may need to get out of here...
*starts building snow car*
(You catch me out with Wolfenstein 3D stuff, I’ll catch you out with
You didn't make that one fireproof! Haha!
And to Edward, what if I throw in a nice, pocket-sized flamethrower to make that nightmarish mission easier to end?
*A decoy gasps.*
Don't worry, brothers, I took it out of one of the defective ones. We don't like a defect in this business, ja?
*The decoy nods.*
Keep digging.
*The decoys are getting close to breaking through the floor.*
-Twistey
Unfortunately for you, I am definitely not sane. Seeing as you’re going to break down the fortress anyway... actually, there’s an idea...
If Edward soaks the fortress, will it have any effect on the decoys? Worth a try, anyway...
And I promise not to make future missions *too* nightmarish. Just let me get out of here first...
*climbs out of the back window and runs*
*Edward soaks the fortress*
Pity about that. *builds snow wall, making sure to fireproof both it and the ground underneath*
It might screw up their flamethrowers, but nothing else, really.
*To the decoys* You three, hover your way over there.
-Twistey
that you hand over the goodies you promised him. Meanwhile, I am digging a tunnel a safe distance on the other side of my wall.
*hands a 1-up and a bottle of serum to Edward*
Hehe. You're welcome.
-Twistey
“I have a bad feeling - your laugh sounds suspiciously evil.”
Meanwhile I’m buried under snow somewhere. Wait - I just had an idea. Fireproof avalanche, anyone? Thing is, the Board’s flat...
Another thing I really love is the old stop-motion Christmas movies made by Rankin-Bass. This'll sound incongruous until you read what I mean by this, but this one in particular's even got an elemental war in it. Check it out.
https://christmas-specials.fandom.com/wiki/TheYearWithoutaSantaClaus
And here's both of the musical numbers relevant to said elemental war (warning, it may seem a little Uncanny Valley since you're not used to it): <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGlPnAiCk">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGlPnA_iCk
Hehe, seem relatable?
(I totally want to draw this. So can you tell me what your ideal snow queen outfit would look like, so I can doodle some Board humor wrapped up in an obscure Christmas reference? :P)
-Twistey
I suppose in the vast world of fandom it’s hardly likely that we’d be the first ever to come up with this idea.
Forget my real appearance, that’s quite normal and not at all snow-queen-like. Instead...
Long, perfectly straight white hair, dressed all in white, a crown made of icicles... maybe knee-length Black boots... white fur shawl...
And of course, transport in a sleigh with reindeer.
If you can draw that. I can’t draw to save my life!
Except maybe without the white hair, since it's supposed to be identifiable as Snowblaze. Maybe there's some ice/snow in your hair, like Elsa.
-Twistey
Now to build an igloo.
I brought a truckload of chocolate frogs, eat them quick before they hop away!
Well, at least it isn't one of the spoilery characters from certain works of recent media - wouldn't wanna attract that much controversy lol. And hey, it could've been worse, I could've gotten Cursed Child's What's-Her-Name or something... *shivers*
As an eagle myself I’m pleased with that!
*munches frog*
The photo is very blurry and the name is mostly scratched off somehow. It reads "-ana Black: annoying Mary Sue".
It will fetch a pretty mint amongst collectors.
Thanks.
-Twistey
I could be wrong, it could just be a product of the PPC, but Mary Sues showing up on Chocolate Frog cards seems to be a bad thing.
-Twistey
He probably deserves one.
No, really. Jelly Belly makes chocolate frogs as well as a number of other Harry Potter-inspired candies. I got myself a frog while I was on vacation, and the collectible card I got was Slytherin.
I hope the one I put in my niece's stocking has somebody nicer. >.>
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and a Totally Rad Tuesday to you all!
~Neshomeh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Esgm15Pd-4
https://genius.com/Mannheim-steamroller-above-the-northern-lights-lyrics
"Above the Northern Lights" by Mannheim Steamroller (the band famous for making Christmas covers with a bunch of synths).
It's completely original by them, but you probably won't have heard it unless you have Sirius XM and you tune to the Mannheim Steamroller channel that got set up for the holidays. I admit, that's how I first heard it.
I don't know why, but this song just gives me the chills. It just has beautiful imagery in the lyrics and the melody is so peaceful. I'm not sure how to make a filk of this, but I bet somebody could. In the meantime, enjoy the song.
-Twistey
P.S. To 61516, I'm not familiar with the fandom you're referencing. What's in the crate?
In Warhammer 40,000, the Imperial Guard is the main human military force, known for its incredibly low survival rates, think stormtroopers in Star Wars. The shipping container is a dumb pun about shipping, but it's probably full of laser weapons and flak armor.
Saint Celestine is a key Imperial religious figure, who arrives to save Imperial forces when defeat seems certain, usually by soloing some huge monster.
Malakim Phoros is the Chapter Master of the chapter of Space Marines known as the Lamenters. They're super cursed, and tend to be the victims of implausible disasters, but they carry on their solemn duty regardless, hoping that they might save others even if they cannot save themselves.
P.S. The song you linked is pretty good.
I'll take 'em back to the lab to experiment on them so I can build different laser weapons out of them, if that's alright with you.
-Twistey
The Imperial lasgun is one of the worse weapons available in the 41st millennium.