Thanks to Snowy the Sane Fangirl for beta-reading.
Here are my agent bios:
Name: Edward Stone (formerly known as Edward Eagle, but he changed it because he was being teased about another Eddie the Eagle.)
Species: Peculiar male
Home continuum: Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Age: Twenty
Appearance: A little taller than average, with dark hair and brown eyes. Usually likes to wear grey or black clothes.
Powers: As a peculiar, his peculiarity is that he can control water. However, he rarely does, because there isn’t much water in HQ and it doesn’t work in disguise. He usually uses either a rifle or his muggle-use wand as a weapon.
Personality: Edward is very cynical and pessimistic, and unwilling to tolerate other people’s failings. He’s convinced the Ironic Overpower is out to get him, although it’s unclear whether he’s serious about this. He enjoys winding his sister up, making snarky comments and reading. He can also be very pedantic and picks up on grammar mistakes a lot.
History: Edward was recruited from a Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children badfic, in which his sole purpose was to turn evil when the Sue ditched him for her LO. He’s been horrified about it ever since and is determined to save as many characters as he can from a similar fate – although he’d prefer to get a bit more time off from it! He’s been working for the PPC for a couple of years, and was recently transferred from Implausible Crossovers to the DMS.
Lust Object: Claims to have none, but can be seen looking in a certain way at Bellatrix Lestrange.
Department: Department of Mary Sues, Harry Potter Division.
Name: Katarina Eagle, known to everyone as Kat.
Species: ymbryne (pronounced imm-brinn; a woman who can turn into a bird and manipulate time and is charged with the protection of peculiar children)
Home continuum: Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Age: Twenty
Appearance: relatively short, with uncontrollable blonde hair which she tries and fails to keep in a neat bun, and blueish-green eyes. Prefers to wear practical clothes, but will dress up for special occasions.
Powers: As mentioned, she’s an ymbryne. She can create time loops, which only peculiars can enter; turn into a bird (an eagle, in her case) and manipulate people’s minds. Once again, this doesn’t work in disguise. Discovering that was rather a nasty shock for Kat, who was used to being able to rely on her powers. She’s been training ever since she was recruited into the PPC, but she’s still not great with weapons and prefers to leave the fighting to Edward. She carries a Muggle-use wand and a small dagger.
Personality: Kat can come across as quite hyper, as she has a short attention span and is easily bored. That’s not to say that she can’t act maturely when she wants to, though. She’s the more sentimental one of the two and has a soft spot for CAFs, which she prefers to save if possible. She’s secretly a bit of a fangirl, although she tries to hide it as much as possible.
History: Kat was recruited from the same badfic as her twin brother, in which she was the Sue’s best friend. She’s been working in the DMS since she joined the PPC, and hasn’t really seen Edward much since. Instead she’s been working with a more experienced agent, who has now moved on to teach another newbie.
Lust Object: Remus Lupin
Department: DMS, Harry Potter Division
Control prompt: the agents receive a mission.
Edward had just reached for a pack of cards when the console went [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!].
“Typical,” he muttered, reaching the console before Kat had even managed to get up from the sofa where she was listening to music on her iPod.
He hit the console to stop the beeping, and then cringed as he saw the summary.
“You’ll like this, Kat!” he called
She removed her headphones and said “Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there?”
Edward nodded and began to read. “Princess of the unicorns – Remus Lupin Love Story”.
Kat’s neutral expression quickly turned to one of horror. “I’ve only heard the title, and I already hate this Sue. That must be a record.”
Edward continued with the actual summary, voice practically dripping with sarcasm.
“Hi! My name is Uma White! I love to sing, and dance! Also I am the last of the white family, because my mum and dad where killed by Voldy moldy, yeah, I hate him too, anyway, the only reason I’m an orphan, is because I have a power, a rare power! I have unicorn blood running threw my veins! Yep,…” At that stage the console ran out of space to display the full summary.
“Oh, no. This is truly awful,” Kat said. “I’m lost for words. Which is strange, as I’m speaking right now.”
“Well, they do call it badfic for a reason,” Edward replied, trying and failing to crack a smile. “So, that’s an overuse of exclamation marks, a run-on sentence and two confusions of homophones… and we’re only in the summary. Pack the Bleeprin: this is going to be a really awful mission.”
Kat nodded and stood up. As she did so, she said “And… Voldy Moldy? The only character who ever said that was Peeves, and… well, he’s Peeves. He shouldn’t be taken as a model of behaviour.” She grabbed about ten six-packs of Bleeprin and shoved them into her pink backpack.
Edward picked up the CAD, and said “Bet you this explodes within the first two chapters.”
“What shall we bet? Winner gets to kill the Sue?”
“You’re on,” said Edward, and the twins shook hands.
Random prompt: the agents encounter the Sunflower's Witness.
There was a knock on the RC door. Kat got up to open it, and Edward glanced up from his copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them to see who it was.
In the doorway, attempting to push past Kat and gain access to RC 841.720, was a short human woman with spiky red hair, carrying an armful of pamphlets.
“Hello,” she said, “I am one of the Sunflower’s Witnesses. I was wondering if you’ve heard that the Sunflower Official was burnt with a flamethrower by the other Flowers?”
Edward blinked. “Err… what?”
Kat shook her head, shooting a slightly panicked glance over her shoulder at Edward. “No, I haven’t heard that. How about you come in and tell me about it?”
She allowed the woman to enter the RC and they sat down at the small wooden table in the centre.
The Sunflower’s Witness handed Kat one of the pamphlets and stood up to give Edward another.
He took it and studied it carefully. In hand-drawn stick-figures, it depicted some Flowers and a flamethrower.
“Burning the SO with a flamethrower? Sounds like a good idea. Hey, Kat, do you know where I can get a flamethrower?”
Kat shook her head. “I hope you’re joking!” she said, her eyes darting about frantically as if looking for some way out.
The Sunflower’s Witness glared at Edward. “Do I detect disbelief? How dare you! Repent at once, or the spirit of the true SO will smite thee!”
Kat smiled sweetly, her eyes finally focussing directly on the Sunflower’s Witness. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean to offend anyone, he just needs time to process what you’re saying.”
Edward was furious. He was sure Kat didn’t really believe this crackpot conspiracy theory, but being treated like a toddler was infuriating.
“I’m thirsty,” continued Kat. “Would you like a drink… I don’t know your name?”
“Agent Shrike. No, thank you, I don’t need a drink.”
Nodding, Kat said “Okay. Edward, could you go and get me a glass of… water?” She winked as she said that, and Edward got her meaning at once.
He walked over to the right-hand side of the room, where his bed was, grabbed the water bottle he kept for emergencies. He also picked up his Muggle-use wand from beside the bed.
Then he walked quickly back, tucking the wand into his pocket, and handed the bottle to Kat.
She unscrewed the lid, and said “Are you sure you don’t want a sip, Agent Shrike?”
“If you insist…” the agent in question replied, taking the bottle.
Edward concentrated on the water for a moment, and it shot up directly into Agent Shrike’s eyes.
She blinked, confused, and tried to get the water out of her eyes.
Meanwhile, Edward pulled out his Muggle-use wand and said calmly “Stupefy!” A jet of red light appeared from the end of his wand, but Agent Shrike managed to lean to the side just in time.
Standing up quickly, the Sunflower’s Witness darted to the door, opened it a little, and slipped through it. “Repent!” she called, and then slammed the door behind her.
Edward gave a big sigh of relief once he was sure that the weird woman was gone.
“Good,” said Kat, “my plan worked.”
“Your plan? I was the one who executed it!” said Edward indignantly.
Kat sighed. “I can’t be bothered to argue. Let’s just agree to differ.”
My first mission will be to "Princess of the Unicorns" (https://www.quotev.com/story/10839811/Princess-of-the-unicorns-Remus-Lupin-Love-Story). You've already seen what my agents think of the summary, and if I need say any more: Voldemort kidnaps her. So he can marry her. To use her speshul unicorn powers.
...can you pass the Bleeprin?