Re: Mission by
doctorlit
on 2012-10-23 00:03:00 UTC
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This was a pretty complicated mission, but I think you handled it rather well. It's not very common to see an all-OC mission, but the fact that you treated them with a mixture of assassination, recruitment and canon absorption kept things from getting repetitive. Your treatment of Erika was especially fun, and made the threat of her getting ensnared by Violet all the more real and depressing.
I did have a little trouble keeping up with all the canon-specific terminology. I think I developed a fair understanding of how Puella Magi come about and their relationship to witches and Soul Gems, but I'm still a little unclear on what Grief Seeds and Incubators do.
Earlier in this mission, you had a habit of overusing pronouns, which made it difficult for me to "see" what was going on. For example, near the beginning, you have the sentences:
A bright green light began to glow from her middle finger, before eight tentacle-shaped constructs emerged and wrapped around her stack, before carefully setting it on the ground. A moment later, the tentacles wrapped around her pile, setting it next to Cepha’s.
"Her stack" and "her pile" confused me the first time I read it, since the double use of "her" made me think the same pile of gifts was being moved twice. Fortunately, this problem seemed to lessen as the mission continued.
Also, one little typo to point out. In the charge list you missed putting a space between "putting" and "chandeliers."
Nicely done! by
OpinionedAngel
on 2012-10-21 22:35:00 UTC
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I really like the interactions between characters, and am interested in seeing what you do with Amara. Also, may I take the Mini puella magi?
And I need to think of a last name for Amara. by
firemagic
on 2012-10-21 20:50:00 UTC
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Because I forgot to check if there was already an Amara on the wiki.
Ooh, Minis by
desdendelle
on 2012-10-21 20:43:00 UTC
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Can Des and Anebrin have incubator? What are the PMMM minis anyway? Mini-Coobies? Mini-familiars? Mini-something-elses?