Subject: "I'm Wobbles the Clown!" =oD
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-27 03:09:00 UTC
"Floaters, partnered with the Notary. I... guess one day I'll figure out why. But yeah, she knows that she could be killed by the wrong person and, well, uh... you ever heard of the phrase 's-word by cop'?"
The Guardsman looked away from the Reader to check his screwdriver's interface. "Mmh. Nothing but bruises. You're lucky," he said as he pocketed his tool and stood up. "Most people would've had something worse. You're good to go."
The Time Lord's eyes wandered over to the picture frame that the Notary hadn't yet returned to her pocket. He briefly examined the faces and looked back at the downed Time Lady. "That's interesting. I didn't think you were the sentimental type." He nodded towards the photograph. "Former friend of yours, I presume?"
- - -
((I don't think you're going to get anything out of the Notary at this stage of the game, Guardsman. I wager she'd have to be both a) alone and b) extremely desperate for a talk.))
She clapped her hands over her mouth, but it was too late.
"You mean she had a companion at some point? Unbelievable." The Guardsman absentmindedly rubbed the back of his head. "Wait a second. How much do you know about her?" he asked Rina.
Rina swallowed, not at all pleased to be so close to the Notary. "I'm not really sure... I mean, it was all jumbled images that I got when I..." she mumbled something that sounded like "Headbutted the Notary".
"Look, touch telepathy is something that should only be done if you know what you're doing. It can backfire on you if you're not prepared. Promise me you're not going to do that again, OK? Right." The former soldier crouched to the Notary's level again. "Need help getting up? You're spending an awful lot of time on the floor."
Mostly she was fuming in outraged amazement that someone knew and had seen and knew and knew and knew-
She shot to her feet with a noise like a collapsible tent unfolding and turned the kind of glare on the Guardsman that could set fire to the victim's grandchildren. "You will not talk about her. Ever. Indeed, it would be best if we had never had this - oh, I am an idiot."
A flick of her wrist; a red flash followed.
"You do not know the name Lola. You have never known anyone addressed as such. The name is an entirely closed book to you, as, I suspect, are books of any sort whatsoever. You are not aware that I possessed a companion of any kind during any of my regenerations. You derive the most intense sexual gratification possible to comprehend from the thought of being punched repeatedly in the genitals by a hairy bodybuilder covered in fishpaste, and that one's for touching my photograph."
She shoved the neuralyser back up her sleeve and turned to face the others, her expression icy, her eyes dead and listless. "Potterverse wand holsters are such useful things; I don't know why they aren't standard issue," she said blandly. "I shall compose a note to Stores after fetching my drink. Does anyone else want to get their grubby little fingerprints all over my belongings or bring up poorly-shaved apes of debatable sentience? No? I didn't think so."
She was completely unaware that the Guardsman, or possibly the Guardian, she wasn't sure, had been completely unaffected by her neuralyser, since she had flashed it in the face of a rather confused-looking Tribble that was now rapidly re-evaluating its life choices and wondering where it could get its claws on some fishpaste. Head injuries, man. They sneak up on you.
...now shot a glare at the Notary. "And here I thought I had anger management issues." She stood up angrily; while not very tall, Kala was still a very large menace toward anyone she was angry at. "I thought I was bad for paralyzing Valon whenever he woke me up, but there's irritation and then there's just being a bitch. What the hell is wrong with you? You should realize that making enemies is a bad idea, considering that, oh, I don't know, some are stronger than you. I could jab my stinger into any part of your anatomy and you'd be on the floor and twitching for five minutes! I hate being reminded that I'm different from normal humans, but racism works both ways. If you're talking about humans, you're talking about Valon, and however weird and annoying he may be, he's still my partner, and I don't appreciate people talking shit about my partner!"
Kala took a deep breath. Rants were normally Valon's thing, not hers.
((Sorry for the Wall of Text, but angry Kala is angry.))
"I'm sure we're all very grateful, and I'm equally sure you have somewhere to scuttle off to. Have you considered a bath? No, clearly not. I mean, how would you get out?"
That was all it took. Kala threw herself screeching at the Notary. Seven feet and four hundred pounds of furious scorpion is not something to be ignored.
They have a tendency to go off at suboptimal intervals.
The Notary was a planner, a common enough trait in any bureaucrat worth their rubber stamp. That included a mental inventory of DIA standard equipment and any notable exceptions and esoteric bits of kit - like, for instance, a laser screwdriver. By running a diagnostic cycle and interrupting it just so, it set up a feedback loop that ended in a rather explosive flash-and-smoke.
This had originally been planned for use as a getaway aid, with a brief tidy-up later, but now? Now it was going in the overgrown bug furry's face, and so it did. The Notary was quite amenable to receiving third-degree burns on her palm and second-degrees up almost the entire length of her forearm if it got the desired effect.
"Honestly, you'd think I'd hit her with a newspaper or something, she said as she walked gracefully away, favouring her left side and trying to ignore the smell of badly-cooked pork coming from her sleeves.
Valon had been too dumbstruck by the sheer nerve of the Notary to properly respond when Kala charged her. After the dust had settled, he turned to Rina. "Did not think someone could be that horrible. Wow.
"But I feel like she should have realized that provoking Kala's not just a jerk move; it's dangerous. She's big, strong, and not really in control of her emotions.The only way I've found to calm her is to give her Sumisu, and that's a risky proposition, getting close to an angry scorpion and all."
((Totally not looking for an excuse to reinvolve Rina, nope. Also, I wonder what the other patrons thought about the rampaging girtablilu?))
...the Guardsman stowed his radio without having to use it and ran off after the Notary, adjusting his body camera to make sure it registered everything. He wasn't afraid of the Notary's reports but any evidence that he wasn't actually doing what the Notary was writing about him was good evidence. He pulled a medkit from under his coat as he fell into step beside the Notary.
"Stop moving and let me look at those burns," said the Guardsman as he retrieved a pair of plastic gloves from the kit. "You just had a flashbang go off in your fist. Firstly, I need to slap some Medi-gel on that. Secondly, you're going to Medical."
If it seemed like she was counting under her breath, she was. If it seemed like she was wincing as she moved, well, she was. You try hiding stuff when you're in that kind of pain.
"Since you have comported yourself in a manner unbecoming of a DIA operative, re: your repeated invasions of personal privacy and total lack of respect for personal property, I refuse to acknowledge any authority you purport to possess. This conversation is over." She sped up, still listing slightly to the left, her teeth gritted. She was still counting.
"fifty-nine... and go."
Her dataslate appeared from a pocket, the screen lightly dusted with ash, and she swiped quickly through some messages. There was a brief bing from the computer, and the Guardsman received a brief message from his bodycam.
"Warning: Error #37 in automated file download. This is due to an incomplete file transfer. Do you wish to upload the incomplete file? Further data may be lost."
The Notary kept her face as neutral as she could, and continued with her report.
"Also: let's add vandalizing DIA property to your little list of offences," he said as he zapped the body camera with his laser screwdriver in an attempt to salvage the file. "My, aren't we in trouble. On the up side you'll never guess where my other camera is. Smile!"
He walked alongside the Notary for a few more seconds. "So... should I just give you the medkit and let you apply the Medi-gel yourself? It's starting to smell like bacon over here." He held out the medkit where the Notary could easily grab it.
"I merely sent a request that your department run an external diagnostic scan at the exact time of the automatic upload. You, however, have just deliberately and conspicuously messed with your bodycam while in the field and actively engaged in the pursuit of a suspect, no matter how dubious your allegations may be. That's a clear violation of DIA Code of Practice article #15, clause b, subsection xv. This is all going in the report. Nearly finished now, actually... and done." She allowed herself a small smile of satisfaction as she sent the form off, referenced thoroughly and in triplicate. "We're almost out of the Howling now. You'll probably want to put your other cameras back-"
SPLOOSH.
"Since we'll be walking through a Thief's Downfall." The Notary fished out a handkerchief and wiped the water off. "Terribly sorry, it's the smoke. Counts as a disguise ever since that incursion a few months ago in DODAEG with the Frozen Sue, and it sets off the defence grid in enough quantities. I'm also privy to information regarding smartdust and similar platforms - everyone has their hobbies, after all - and I'm sure you're aware how badly delicate technology reacts to the presence of Potterverse-style magic in such quantities."
She turned to face him and smiled again, or at least showed her teeth. "So gentlemanly to walk a woman back to her RC after an accident. That will definitely be reflected in your report... or it would, had I not already sent it off. I can ask to resubmit, but once the gears begin to turn, well, I'm sure you know how that goes. Do drop round for tea and war stories sometime. I'm free on Saint Never's Day." With that, she gently shut the door of her RC and bolted it, deadlock-sealing it with the interlocking wooden setup that was the only kind her partner could use. Acute arcane technometaplasia. Such a horrid condition.
The Guardsman wrung out his tricorn hat and plopped it back on his head. "But I'll still have the last laugh."
He turned around and walked back to Rudi's while dripping water all over the floor. He carefully stowed the medkit back where it belonged, pulled off his used gloves, and rearranged his body camera. The former soldier then stopped and leaned against the wall. He looked around him to make sure he was alone and pulled a out his laser screwdriver. He removed his tricorn and looked at the net of electrodes that lined the inside of the hat. Even if his passage through the Thief's Downfall had shorted out the hidden camera and the electronics embedded in his hat, everything up until his unexpected shower would've been recorded directly to his brain. Good old Gallifreyan headcam technology: the ultimate redundancy. Never leave home without it. The Guardsman pulled another set of electrodes from a pocket, attached them to his head, and wrapped the wires around the tip of his screwdriver. A few seconds later the video of his entire encounter with the Notary had been sent to DIA Central along with an email saying that he'd drop by Internal Review to clear up any misconceptions.
Satisfied with his work, the Guardsman put away his electronics and continued his walk towards Rudi's, whistling a merry tune.
((She never did get the chance to talk to one of the friendly Time Lords, after all.))
Her size and weight left a lot of momentum. Her charge continued uninterrupted, and she crashed into the opposite wall.
She reeled away from the wall, apparently unharmed. "Urgh... what just happened, and why am I pissed off?"
Wobbles unicycled through the door holding a pizza.
"Uh, ma'am? Your, uh, your hair's on fire."
The mini-Suu climbed up on Kala's head and smothered the fire.
"... I have a ridiculous watery hat on now, don't I?" The cheerful vibes exuded by the mini calmed her down quickly enough.
((If you're wondering where Sumisu came from, Valon came back in with her after an apparent run-in with the Gods of Retcon. I just didn't see any opportunity for him to say anything.))
"I really wish she wouldn't drink so much. She gets awful tetchy."
"I remember this guard dude getting ticked at this lady in fancy robes, and the next thing I know, I'm careening toward a wall. Why..." Kala took a moment to piece things together. "Ah. The lady in the robes. I guess she thought it would be a good idea to provoke someone who outweighs her by several hundred pounds. Shouldn't she get attacked a lot?"
((I am actually curious about that. You'd think that, considering the nutjobs employed in this place, and the fact that she's apparently a bitch to everyone, the Notary would have provoked the wrong one and gotten in a bad fight at least once in her career.))
"In and out of Medical. It's kind of sad. I think she does it deliberately, you know, to..." Wobbles shrugged, always a dicey proposition from atop a unicycle. "To get hurt."
"Surely she's realized that someone... like, for instance, me... could go overboard and actually kill her? My stinger can only paralyze, but I've got two giant pincers that could take the head off a horse. And I don't think clearly when I'm mad..." She shook her head, dislodging Sumisu. "Sorry, I don't even know who you are. I'm Kala Jeng, Department of Floaters. You?"
Sumisu bumped Kala's leg a few times, apparently miffed at losing her comfy blonde perch.
"Floaters, partnered with the Notary. I... guess one day I'll figure out why. But yeah, she knows that she could be killed by the wrong person and, well, uh... you ever heard of the phrase 's-word by cop'?"
"She's... suicidal? She doesn't seem the type..."
"No, she doesn't. Wouldn't quite blame her if she was, though, the Time War wasn't exactly fun." She shook her head, and focused properly on Wobbles, wondering absently how the human was managing to stay balanced on the unicycle. "Speaking of the Notary, do you have any clue how she managed to just ignore me? I think I spent at least ten minutes scowling at her, while she just ignored me and walked away--after being attacked, anyway, that was...not exactly unexpected, actually." She considered this. "Actually, she's probably just used to ignoring people glaring at her...doesn't mean I don't still want an answer, though!"
"She makes herself as unapproachable as she can, I think, 'cause of the non-awful her. Uh, I mean, this is all definitely just conjecture, you understand. Wouldn't want anybody to get the wrong idea or nothin'!" Wobbles giggled nervously, but rallied with a big, beaming smile. "Ooooh, I know what you want!" She tossed the pizza box in the air and (after some frantic sculpting) handed a string to the Reader just as the box landed in Wobbles' lap. "Balloon Eye of Harmony! I heard the news about Gallifrey, it was, uh, kinda hard to get the Notary to talk about much else, so congratulations!"
How the human had managed to make a Balloon Eye of Harmony while staying balanced on a unicycle, all in the time it took for the pizza box to go up and come back down again, was entirely beyond her. She certainly wouldn't have liked to try it.
'Congratulations', though, she thought bitterly. Oh, fantastic. Because I wanted the reminder so badly.
"Thank you," she said aloud, trying to keep her eyes focused on the balloon. "It was...definitely a shock. To hear about it. I...mm."
She couldn't look at the balloon any longer; part of Gallifrey or not, looking into the Eye of Harmony hadn't exactly been the most comforting experience of her life. It did rather pale next to the Time War, though.
"Right," she added. "Well. Thanks for your well wishes. And the balloon." She gave the string a half-hearted tug and tried to smile in a non-grimacing sort of way (this last, of course, failed).
--
((So, the Reader has her reasons, but the news about Gallifrey is actually rather complicated for her. And she's been arguing with her partner recently--very recently--about how she wants to go and try to assimilate into the canon, now that Gallifrey's around. I'm not sure how well she's thought it through, considering that she hates Rassilon and he's presumably still alive, but...she misses her home, and wants to go back to the non-destroyed version, if only to see it for herself.))
((So. Obviously, Wobbles meant well, but...I basically read that and went, 'oh, the Reader will not take that well right now' (and then I grinned). But that's a bit of why she's reacting this way--she spent some time thinking Gallifrey was gone, and then this happens, and it's just...complicated.))
((~DF))
Wobbles wasn't one of the more observant people, at least unless she chose to be. At the moment, she had other things on her mind - the Notary's coming war with the Guardsman chief among them - so she did what she always did when she relaxed: made elaborate balloon art. This time, the challenge was doing it one handed, so she constructed an almost exact replica of Arcadia and tied it to the other balloon. "For your friends! You're not her, so you've got them, I betcha do!"
The human had to mean well. There was no way she didn't.
It still rankled. She chose to focus on the woman's words instead.
"Friends! Yes. I have them." She eyed the clown. "Exactly how did you manage to make that one-handed? I can't figure it out."
There, that was a safe topic. Hopefully.
(Seriously, this was the Notary's partner? She couldn't think of anyone the uptight Time Lady would have gotten along with less.)
(...good, she thought savagely. Let the Spinel Promotor have someone who irritated her for a change. She certainly annoyed the rest of them enough.)
(What the clown had done to deserve the Notary as a partner, though, the Reader had no idea. Probably the Flowers had just thought it would be funny. That was usually the reason for things like this.)
"I just... it comes natural, y'know? Like seeing. You don't have to get taught it. I mean, I remember being taught, and being good at it, but..." Wobbles trailed off and chewed pensively on a slice of pizza. "Oh boy, six cheese pizza with extra chicken and prawns, atta girl. Want some? Anyways, I think it might have something to do with my home continuum. I'm - well, I was - a bit. Came from a Twilight angstfic from waaay back in the day, and I've been in the Nursery ever since. I'll send you some tapes, I didn't see ya in the audience for last week's Get Your Own Back! Trust me, you'll. Love it." She winked, big and brassy.
((Since Kala's personality at this moment is "RAWR HURT THING THAT MAKE MAD," you can easily predict what she'll try to do. If the Notary manages to stop her, or if she gets pinned by the giant bug, you'll be writing it.))
((Work differently on Time Lords due to physiology differences? Kala might be in trouble.))
((Trouble as in she accidentally buffs the Notary, or trouble as in she kills her?))
"Stop! Stop it!" Rina jumped out of her seat and grabbed hold of Kala's tail, clinging on for dear life. "So help me, I'll take your tail off!"
((Hey, she might be scared of the Notary, but considering what happened to her, she doesn't want to see any regenerations anytime soon.))
((See, liminals are incredibly strong. Grabbing a charging girtablilu by the tail is an invitation to get dragged.))
((She forgot why she was running, but she's so big and heavy that momentum kept her going anyway. The Notary's lucky if she got out of the way.))
...the Guardsman quietly reached into his coat's pocket and withdrew his laser screwdriver. He pointed it at the sleeve in which the Notary had stowed her neuralyzer and sent a locking command to the PPC gadget. As the Notary lectured to the onlookers, the Guardian Guardsman scanned her again to make sure she didn't have any other surprises literally and/or figuratively up her sleeve. Aside from an old staser model-- which he also locked with his screwdriver-- she didn't seem to be carrying any other weapons (barring her own person, of course).
"Firstly, I'm surprised that you thought it would actually work," said The Guardsman. "Surely you must know that DIA equips their agents so that situations like these never happen. Just imagine how many people could get away with crimes just by flashing a neuralyzer in an officer's face..." He rubbed his eyes, wishing that he had eyedrops to alleviate the discomfort caused by his anti-flash contact lenses.
"Secondly... you're in big trouble now. Did you seriously try to mind-wipe and brainwash a DIA officer because I asked a question about a photo?" the Guardsman sighed. "Besides, I didn't even touch that thing because that's straight up asking for trouble. Did you ever ask yourself why you put people on edge?" He gesticulated towards her deactivated neuralyzer tucked up her sleeve. "Using force because things didn't go your way? Bullying people into submission? You just keep on running away from problems, don't you?"
The Guardsman smiled. "Oh yeah, one more thing. When the Time War started, you stole a TARDIS, didn't you? Yeah, lots of people stole TARDISes. Everyone was trying to run away from the War. You know what's funny though? Get this: when the frontier systems collapsed under the Dalek Armada we were supposed to evacuate the civilians and bring them to the Homeworld. Key word being 'supposed'. You see, we had a TARDIS shortage! For every person stealing a TT capsule for themselves we could've saved an entire town. A town! For one person!" The Gallifreyan man stared at the Notary. "I hope it was worth it."
- - -
((If there's one thing that Emiran hates more than Daleks it's probably deserters.))
Well, she might have been looking at something she was scraping off her shoe. "You will have a full report on my actions here, as well as your lack of respect for personal privacy or property, courtesy of the DIA Internal Review System as soon as I am able to deliver one. You have deliberately sought to reveal the details of an agent's private life in a public setting in order to embarrass them, during the process of which you insulted them repeatedly. You have deliberately damaged equipment issued by the Quartermasters' Office over nothing more than a personal slight. This is what that report will say. I write them. Your superiors read them. I am not liked, but I serve a purpose. You? Your disciplinary record speaks for itself." With that, she showed him the smoking remains of her neuralyser. "Exhibit A." A polythene bag with a photo frame in it, the picture turned away. "Exhibit B. I can keep going, should you so desire. Or rather, you can keep digging, should you so desire. I'd recommend against it." With that, the Notary swept from the room, hauling a dataslate from her pocket and scratching furiously at it on her way out.
---
Actually, she genuinely didn't steal her TARDIS. Technically. Spoilers: one of her regenerations was drafted and put in charge of a blockade runner, arguably doing more good than the Guardsman did. It was cornered and shot to hell, the crew dead, the Notary needed a body that could survive this kind of adventure (it being sort-of canon that Time Ladies have a bit more control over their regenerations) and wound up as the Fourth Notary, aka. the fun one. From there? Well, the vessel was listed as lost, so she took it as a sign, and for a while she lived.
And now she's a scumbag bureaucrat with no compunctions about bending the rules to get her way because she knows exactly which rules she's capable of bending and how to get out of it when she runs into a situation where she has to actually break one. Fun!
"Have fun writing the forms!" He looked down at his chest and checked his body camera. "Yeah, it I got everything on tape," he muttered to himself. "Who does she think she is anyway? I just looked at the bloody photograph. And besides, neuralyzers are the first things we disable anyways..."
He was barely aware that the Notary insulted the scorpion lady on the way out of Rudi's. He was, however, very aware when Kala erupted from her seat and threw herself at the Time Lady.
He whirled around, one hand reaching for his radio to call for backup. "Son of a--"
- - -
((That's a cool backstory. I'd like to see more of the Fourth Notary sometime.
As for the Guardsman... well, he was just a grunt with a rifle. You ship him somewhere with his rifle, let him kill Daleks, watch him get killed by Daleks, go back in the past, save his bacon, then go on to win the battle or retreat. Rinse, lather, repeat.))
Rina stared after the Notary for a moment before shaking her head. "You know what, I don't care. I'm just glad she's gone."
...and made his way back to Rina, water dripping all over the place. "Sorry about that incident. Even if she's a stuck-up bureaucrat she's still a PPC agent-- and we're supposed to Serve and Protect. As I was saying, you're still new to this body, right? Man, that must be one hell of an experience for you, right? Hey, did you figure out how to see timelines yet? It's kinda useless in the PPC-- everything is in flux here-- but you'll soon get a hang of it."
Well, two things, really. Er, one and a half.
The Notary was checking through the Guardsman's registered equipment list to make sure she hadn't missed anything, and promptly started having a screaming fit. She tried desperately to think of a plan as she scrolled through the microtag trackers in the bodycams - another security measure for the people the DIA were supposed to protect - and found that the off-duty jumped-up gropo had returned to Rudi's-
Good. That could work.
---
A few minutes later, a fat-looking white pigeon with a tag on its leg declaring to to be one "Speckled Jim" sped into the room like a bullet and perched atop Wobbles' comically oversized clown wig.
"Huh? Oh, heya buddy!" Wobbles stroked the bird along its back and fished in her pockets for some seed. "Who've you got for me today?"
At the chorus of baffled expressions, Wobbled looked slightly guilty. "I, uh, I can't subscribe to message boards. I've got AAT - so, um, technology and I are really, really not friends - so when I signed up for Hugbox they set me up with a carrier pigeon! Oh, uh, Hugbox is kind of like an app where people go over and give each other a hug, some reassurance, you know, all that kinda thing, so of course I wanted to be part of it! Thank you, Mister Pigeon!" With that, she reversed and pedaled her way over to the Guardsman, who was promptly wrapped up in a tight hug.
At around head level.
Wobbles was content to do so until she heard the familiar crackle of multicoloured flames.
...the Guardsman, despite being pinned under Wobbles' bear hug, awkwardly reached into his pocket and threw his laser screwdriver away from the Floater. With his most precious belonging now safe from Wobbles' tech-destroying aura, he returned the woman's hug.
"Aww, thanks. I really needed that!" said the Guardman. "I suppose that the Notary sends her love, right? Tell me: you're her partner, right? Can you relay a message to-- hang on a second." He batted his burning headcam-hat off his head. Nice try, Notary, but it was too late for that. "There, that's better. Can you relay a message to the Notary for me? Just say 'better luck next time'. She'll understand."
She stared, horrified, at the flames issuing from the Guardsman's hat. "She's seriously able to get away with that?" she asked in dismay.
"Either way, it's all in my head," said the Guardsman. "The Notary is just pushing back the inevitable."
"... but it's really nice to meet you! I kinda sorta left some people in the lurch over there but hey, come round sometime! I'll make sure she's out. Oh, and here!" There was a prolonged squeak of rubber, and a strange buzz. "Balloon screwdriver! Guaranteed one-hundred per cent effective against any locks made of, uh, balloons, I guess."
Wobbles tied it around the Guardsman's ear and pedaled her way to look at Rina. "Offer's open to you too, Rina! The Notary might have a crusty exterior, and a crusty interior, and a layer of pure grump under that, but I bet there's a happy smiley person there just waiting to get out!" She beamed, unconvincingly.
The sarcasm was so happy it was a bit of a surprise there wasn't Sar-plasm dripping from the walls. "After all, I'm sure someone willing to abandon a recently-regenerated, delirious person in a stairwell is a perfectly lovely individual at heart!"
((Mmm yeah, she's still sore about that. :P ))
...and looked at Rina. "She did what now? I can't say I'm terribly surprised but... It's a Time Lord thing. If somebody just regenerated, you bring them in your house and help them get back on their feet. It's a basic courtesy thing!" The Time Lord approached Rina and looked in her eye. "Still feeling woozy? Memory problems? Stress? No, that might just be because you changed species but whatever-- hang on." He reached for his laser screwdriver and shone a light in her eye. "Running a diagnostic here... ah, here we go. You seem mostly fine: there's still the residual energy hanging around but that should be gone in a couple of hours. Protip: if you feel the urge to sneeze, try to keep it in. You'll be sure not to accidentally set stuff on fire that way."
"But wow, the energy's still hanging around? That's... really weird, I regenerated yesterday, I thought the energy only lasted a few hours-- wait, set stuff on fire?"
"So... you cast Fire Sneeze? So every round, your standard action is spent spitting out a cone that deals fire damage?" He grinned widely; he seemed to do that a lot. "Why yes, I play Pathfinder. At least I would, if I could find more players. Kala's not interested, she'd rather read Monster Musume and drool over Kimihito."
"A concentrated blast is very, very hot." He pointed at Rina's chest with his screwdriver. "You've still got energy pooling in your lungs and your voice box. Don't be surprised if your voice suddenly changes. You said you regenerated a day ago, right? I regret to inform you that this is the PPC-- time runs weirdly here. You can even feel it too: do you notice that little movement under your feet? How it seems like you're on a moving boat even if you're standing still? That's HQ's timeline that's running in several different directions at the same time. I have no idea why it's that way. I should really start investigating that."
The Guardsman swapped his laser screwdriver for his balloon screwdriver and idly waved it around. "That's some pretty impressive work, Wobbles. D'you think you can teach me how to do that sometime? Preferably when the Notary isn't around because I have a feeling she just declared a one-woman-war on me over our little incident."
"I mean, half the time I don't know how I'm doing what I'm doing, and the other half I don't know what I'm doing period, but I bet we could figure something out! What do you think, Professor Puppet?"
"Indeed," bellowed a pink sock puppet with glittery button eyes. "Hurrah, huzzah, and so on!"
"I think that's a yes!"
It was not dissimilar to the contagious yawn. But there was no way she was going to let the Ironic Overpower take advantage of the situation.
"Yeah, I found out about the voice changing thing earlier today," Rina said ruefully. "That was weird." She watched interestedly as the Guardsman inspected the balloon screwdriver, but her attention was more on the laser one. So help her, she liked shiny objects. Especially shiny objects that did stuff.
((By the way, the DW mission I'm working on has produced two laser spanners. Think the DoSAT would be interested in the Sue tech?))
...Agent Wobbes as she made a balloon replica of Arcadia. "Hah, that's actually pretty good! Look: she's got the sky train network right. I can even see my old district on that thing! And that open space between the skyscraper and the TARDIS dock? That's a great park." He sighed wistfully. "Sucks to be here. You have no idea how much I want to go back home. Believe me, I've tried." He pulled his RA out and dialed the coordinates for Gallifrey. The device buzzed and displayed an error message. The Guardsman showed the screen to Rina.
ERROR-- TYPE 429
LOCATION EXISTS BUT IS INACCESSIBLE AND/OR UNSTABLE
WAIT FOR FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS IN CANON WORLD BEFORE TRYING AGAIN
"I mostly just want to see my sister again," said the Guardsman, pocketing his RA. "She was part of the Solitude Highlander Regiment. On the Final Day they were assigned to defend the Capital from Dalek landing parties. Haven't heard from her since." He cleared his throat. "But I digress. You must have questions for me, right? Ask away and I'll see if I can answer."
- - -
((I'm sure DoSAT would be eager to get their mitts on any sort of tech. Go for it.))
Rina didn't know what else to say. "Don't worry, though. The Doctor will find Gallifrey, the writers wouldn't let anything else happen." She gave the Guardsman a small smile.
"Well, I haven't been able to go to the Canon Library yet, so bear with me, please? You said something about touch telepathy needing training... I thought I did okay my first time, but now I'm kind of worried I screwed it up."
"It's mostly about the transfer of unwanted memories or even causing some sort of mental feedback loop or something. Let's say I wanted to show you memories of my first TARDIS flight: if I just thought about the memory in general and tried to transfer it to you I'd probably let loose an entire torrent of all sorts of stuff into your mind. Case in point: you learned about Lola. You gotta clamp down on other thoughts and just let that particular one trickle though. It's like that anti-mind reading thing from the Potterverse except in not-quite-reverse. No, forget that. It's a bad comparison. It's just difficult, okay?"
He twiddled with his balloon screwdriver. "Actually, I got a question for you now. Are you going to choose a renegade name? Personally, I'd rather be called by my own name but since 'Emiranlanoamar' is a bit of a mouthful for most people I'll have to settle for my old rank. Or just 'Emiran'. Yeah, I should do that, actually. But 'Guardsman' is pretty darn neat if I say so myself..."
"Considered 'the Aviator', but decided there wasn't a point. I mean, it's not like I'm a renegade or anything, am I?" Rina laughed somewhat nervously.
"And yeah, holy cow, that was quite the experience. Got a lot of anger from her, lot of hate, but I guess that isn't too surprising." Rina paused, a horrified expression on her face. "Oh god, I wonder what she got from me?"
The Guardsman squinted at her. "Maaaaaybe under twenty? Yeah, no. That's not enough time for the really embarrassing stuff to build up. If you've lived over a millennium only then can you actually claim to have interesting stories..." He pondered over Rina's comment about the Notary. "So, you saw into her mind, right? Is there anything other than a bottomless pit of rage in her mind? Please, I have to know. There's an office bet going on and I have my hat on the line. Er, what's left of it at any rate." The Guardsman scooped the sad pile of burnt fabric off the floor and dusted it off.
"And I don't know, really. That Lola girl kept showing up quite a bit, but I don't know what the deal is with her." Rina shrugged helplessly. "I was kind of not thinking straight at the time." Her voice cracked on the last word.
"Yeah, she was the Notary's girlfriend back when the Notary was, like, fun and stuff - but don't tell her I told you! She doesn't like being reminded of the times when she wasn't horrible, and I only know that 'cause she thinks I don't hear her in the bathroom or when she's at her FicPsych meetings. That was kinda hard to do, hadda call in a lot of favours, and if you wanna get her off your back forever call her honeybee." Wobbles gave the Guardsman a big wink and pedaled off back to join the other conversation. "Tooooooootally conjecture!"
A really keen-eyed observer in the right place at the right time would have been dismayed at how nasty Wobbles' painted smile looked, and then told themselves it was a trick of the light or something. Wobbles was a good person, and good people didn't think things like that.
"Did I just hear that right?" she said, stunned.
"Hi again," she said to the Guardsman. She sounded tired, but turned a credible imitation of a smile on Rina. "And hello. You wouldn't happen to be the new Time Lord I've been hearing about, would you?"
--
((Welp, here she is. Also, Scapegrace--looks like the Reader's about to pick up Wobbles' thing of holding two or more conversations 'simultaneously' on the Board. (It's more fun that way).
((Look at that, a Council member actually beginning to do her job...I'm sure the Notary would be disdainful and disapproving of how long it took her to get to it, but at least it's happening! :D
((~DF))
The Guardsman leaned towards the Reader to take a better look. "Yeah, that totally is. Sweet. Look, she even added a solar flare trying to escape the singularity. And balloon-Arcadia, of course. Always a lovely sight. Hey, Reader! Quick question: were you born on Gallifrey or were you a colony kid? Because my family moved to--" he quickly fell silent when he realized the the Reader wasn't going to talk to him so he hung back and listened.
((SeaTurtle, since Dawn Fire seems to take a while to respond (no offense intended, DF, promise!), want to continue Rina and the Guardsman's conversation in the below thread? We can pretend it takes place before the Reader shows up.))
The new lady smelled like a Time Lord. "Yes, she said hesitantly. "But I didn't destroy Gryffindor tower, before you ask."
...Valon's grin instantaneously changed to a frown. "I try not to hate anyone, but with that woman, I'm willing to make an exception. Just like Kala said: Doesn't she realize how dangerous it is to make enemies here? I mean, even if I didn't want to make her scowling puss well-acquainted with every contour of the blade of my shovel, my partner is strong enough to break your arm just by squeezing it... and I don't just mean with her pincers. Liminals have high upper body strength too."
"I just havent been able to make sense of it! And I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone other than the Notary and the Librarian, no time to go to the Canon Library and find books, and I haven't yet been outside of HQ to see if it's any different—"
Rina realized she was rambling again, took a deep breath, and started over, nervously twisting a strand of hair. "If you could help me, I'd be really grateful."
"You got questions, I've got answers," said the Guardsman. "Well, most of the time. If you asked me how to fix a TARDIS I could show you that but you'd need..." He scratched his chin. "Say... a background in variable dimensional fields... transcendental mechanics... zero-point mathematics... the standard set of lectures on Vortex dynamics... oh, five hundred years of study at the Academy. But you're one of us now!" He clapped her on the shoulder. "You've got more than enough time on your hands. Hah, get it? Time? No, that was a rubbish joke. Forget it. Speaking of time, though... how old are you? You don't look ever twenty. Total, I mean. You're like a toddler! Imagine! Twenty years old and you didn't even look into the Vortex yet. No, wait. You were human. Right. I forgot that. Never mind. Speaking of which, that's something that everyone should to in their lives. Definitely not safe for your mind but it's one helluva experience."
He paused. "Oh, just tell me if I'm rambling. I have a tendency to go off on never-ending tangents. Like this one!"
Rina gave the Guardsman a weak smile and handed him his laser screwdriver. "Here, you kind of threw this."
"Anyway, I think I turned eighteen a few days ago, but it's hard to be sure. Doc Fitz said this body's physically sixteen, so I basically lost two years, I guess? Not that it matters at this point." She looked glum. "I'm gonna be stuck like this for a few decades, aren't I?"
"And look, I'm really sorry about the touch-telepathy thing, the Notary was ranting and I couldn't think of any other way to convince her I wasn't screwing with her. I didn't realize it needed to be trained, but..." She laughed weakly. "I guess I've got a lot of things to learn."
"Provided you don't pull a Doctor and blow through over half of your regenerations in the span of a millennium you can easily live to be several thousand years old and only use up... say... five or six regenerations." The Guardsman clapped his hands. "Oh, that's right. You already spent one from that mission. Okay, that takes off about 800 years off your lifespan right there.And this is the PPC, too. Okay, make that several accidental deaths in the field in a very short period of time... Yeah. The Doctor's lifespan actually seems right for PPC agents. You've got maybe 3000 years if you stay here, more if you retire. At least you're not fighting a Time War: I knew this one guy who wasted all of his regenerations during the Omega Campaign. Damned fool couldn't keep his head down for five minutes."
"That's... that's a long time..." She fell silent for a moment, staring down at the table and suddenly realizing just how incredibly young she must seem to the others.
She decided it was best if she didn't dwell on it. "Um, so, you've regenerated before, right? Is it always so... painful?"
"You're being torn apart and reassembled on a cellular level while your metabolism burns though an inherently unstable form of energy all while remaining conscious. Of course it hurts! Then again, I've only in-the-Alpha-timeline regenerated twice: once during the War after I was pulverized by a falling Dalek and the other time when I fell through a plothole into the Vortex and burnt to death. In my opinion, the actual method of dying was far more painful than regeneration. The latter is more like a release. You'll never really get used to it-- I mean how can you? It's only going to happen to you a dozen times, tops."
The Guardsman pointed at his hat. "But you know what's the coolest thing we found out about regenerations? Your next face isn't 'set'. During the War we all had our headcams recording, right? So when we died our memories were sent to a server on Gallifrey for safekeeping. The way those data packets were stored made them immune to the shifting timelines: that meant that at the end of the day the guy sitting next to you at the mess could've died a thousand different deaths but never be aware of it until he checked his data cache. Every could've-been death, all those moments that never were, all of those meanwhiles lived on in the headcam videos. That eventually became a problem," said the former soldier, grimacing, "but that's besides the point. Get this: your next face is totally random. In other timelines I saw myself come back either short, tall, white skinned, yellow-skinned, young, old-- needless to say those particular Emirans didn't last long-- as a woman or even with an extra head. I saw the vids for that timeline. Gods, that guy never shut up. But that was always Emiran two to Emiran three-- the next face isn't a constant."
- - -
((And yes, that's my personal theory as to the nature of the Could've-Been King and his army of Meanwhiles and Never-Weres: they were literally echoes of the past resonating into the Alpha timeline and wreaking havoc on the fabric of spacetime.))
"Really weird. I mean, I knew that, but it's a lot stranger now that it's applicable to me." She twisted a lock of hair nervously. "Um, so, you said the touch-based telepathy needed training. What about the time-sense? Is there any way to get used to it, at least? Librarian might've just been an asshole when he said you can't turn it off, but I want to be sure."
"It's as natural as breathing for us. On the up side, you'll be able to sense these weird 'tipping points' in time and guesstimate the best course of action based on your gut feeling for the future. Like now for example: I can either order a philly steak sandwich or the roast beef special. The latter will be undercooked and the former will... give me indigestion. I'm sure of it."
"Well, I'm sure that comes in handy once you're able to make sense of things."
...suddenly snapped back into reality. "Bwuh? Did you say telepathy? I dare anybody to get inside my skull."
((I kinda have in mind that Valon is just too weird to effectively read his mind. Anything the reader receives would be an epileptic kaleidoscope of colors, images and sounds. You wouldn't be able to make sense of it, and the epileptic-ness would probably leave you temporarily blinded.))
"...paragraph 3, sections seven to eleven," recited the Time Lord. "It boils down to this: 'if you are a telepath, no peeking into anyone's mind.' Stuff like that is strictly verboten; it's completely unethical to go about and peer into what is basically somebody else's essence. Sure, we have some agents who are pure telepaths-- there's a protoss in Patrol Division for example-- but they're bound by psi dampeners and additional rules. So you don't need to worry about anyone crawling into your brainspace, Vance."
"But even then, half the time I don't know what I'm thinking, so I doubt anyone else would."
((What is your opinion of Valon's psychic block of chaos?))
((It's a WIP of my D&D campaign. My character's a wizard/psion and when she tried to read the party rogue's mind, she just got a jumble of colors and a lot of noise. Sensory overload, his brain was so chaotic.))
"Well, I'm sure a Legilimens or some sort could manage to find something," Rina said.
"Besides, how can a person operate if everything inside their mind is complete chaos? In order to achieve higher thought you have to have patterns somewhere, right? Any competent telepath should be able to pick up on things like that."
"You probably wouldn't even realize it. I mean, I remember what post-regeneration delirium felt like, and at the time I thought things were totally normal until I recovered." Rina shrugged. "Of course, it could be different for others."
"...and then there's absolute gibberish," said the Guardsman. "There's no order that can come from totally random input-- well, that's actually debatable," he interrupted himself, "because there's this really interesting subset of mathematics that deals with just this situation. That's what happens when you start factoring the multiverse in your math: all sorts of weird cross-dimensional effects start impinging on your equations. It's really cool. Speaking of which, where are you at in your education?" he asked Rina. "What exactly do pre-FTL civilizations teach their young?"
"Well, to be honest, I kinda dropped out of school in the middle of my eleventh year to become an agent," Rina said, turing red again. "Highest mathematics I took was pre-calculus. It wasn't ever my best subject either; I'd been planning on studying English before I joined the PPC." She felt distinctly embarrassed now. No wonder the others had been so condescending.
((Rina right now: 
))
"I don't know much about Earth but you guys have an over-reliance on fossil fuels, right? Ooh, that's not going to end well. You people need scientists and engineers, not arts students! I'm sure that humans can live without paintings or movies or whatever for a century or two while the tech needed to contain the climate crisis is being developed." The Gallifreyan man then cocked his head, staring into the middle distance. "Then again, I'm really biased. The Academy back on Gallifrey was pretty much just a science and tech school. The entire galaxy knows about Time Lord science but who has ever heard of Time lord art?"
He looked back at the junior Time Lady. "But that's another story. Have you heard of the Department of Operations' school? They've got a program to help agents your age complete their education. Give 'em a try: I hear that they get good results from their students."
- - -
((STEM field master race reporting in, kappa))
"But I just never really have the time. If I'm not off on a mission, I'm catching up on sleep. And half the time when I'm on a mission, I'm trying to sleep." She paused and suddenly grinned. "Though I suppose that won't be the case now, will it?"
"Welcome to the good life. Thriving off only a couple hours' worth of sleep, being able to read books in an instant, perfect recall, and incredible longevity. You'd be overqualified for any job back on Earth, guaranteed!" He paused. "Wait. Can you even go back or are you stuck here with us for all eternity? Can't you just use the D.O.R.K.S and pretend this never happened? Or even better-- hang on a moment."
The Guardsman reached into a pocket and pulled out a notebook. He thumbed though it and showed Rina a page covered in Circular Gallifreyan. The symbols quickly rearranged themselves into a legible form under the DMS agent's gaze. "This is a morph cube from the Animorphs continuum," said the Guardsman. "It allows a user to absorb DNA from living beings and to full-on become that particular creature for up to two hours. If you spend more than two hours in morph, you're permanently locked to that form and can't morph anymore. I'm not sure if it can work with Gallifreyan biology but... if you got your hands on one and a sample of your old DNA..."
Rina stared hungrily at the diagram of the escafil device. "How could I have forgotten about that?" she murmured to herself. "I... I could turn back..." She felt her hearts leap, and she grabbed the Guardsman's up in a spontaneous hug, laughing. "I could go back! Back to normal! Oh, this is brilliant!"
((Rina'll probably eventually decide that it's nice to have the extra insurance, considering the dangerous nature of the job. But for now? Heh...))
"Maybe when you're running low on regenerations. I'm sure you've bled on something before; that'd be enough DNA, right?"
"Hiya! I'm Valon Vance, DF. My partner's the one who just juggernauted her way into the wall. Uh, why are you wet?"
"...with some sort of magic water or something. She honestly thinks she can get away by writing bogus complaints because people talk to her. Well, let's just say her complaint isn't going to go very far: I've got everything I need right here," he patted his head. "Oh, right. Guardsman, DIA. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Vivisection."
Valon honestly seemed confused. "If this is about the turtle in the Cafeteria, I had no way of knowing it was still alive."
((Valon got a visit from the Gods of Retcon; the vivisection no longer happened, since I'm not going to write it. It may well be fading from the Guardsman's mind as well.))
((Eh, not really much to say on my end until Scape takes a turn))
((There seems to be important things happening. I suppose now would be a bad time for Kala or Valon to cut in?))
He screwed up his face in concentration. "I feel like I should know who you are and be terrified, but hey, what do I know?"
At this, the mini in Valon's arms wriggled out of his grasp and approached the Guardsman. She looked up at him curiously and burbled a bit. She seemed friendly enough.
((If you don't know what Sumisu looks like, look up the mini for Monster Musume on the Wiki. Sumisu is a mini-Suu.))
