Thanks for the critique! (nm)

I'm feeling All Write folks, if you know what I mean by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2019-09-04 04:01:00 UTC Reply

Hi there, it's me, Larf, also known as the temporary Delta Juliette because I'm posting the write-off results this time.

Our prompt was: ‘Huh. I didn't think you could send a box that far.’

There was a lot of post and mail stuff!

Shipping and Delivery, by Thoth

Fish Tails, by Iximaz

School Projects, by Granz

Customer Service, by Tomash, warning folks it's a wee bit NSFW, bit NSFST and such forth.

Interuniversal, by Delta Juliette (the real one)

Gathering Intelligence, by your old pal and buddy and friend and boy, Larf!

We do have another story coming up by OrangeFox, which needs to be made from a PDF into a Google Doc--that'll get posted within this thread because, er, I've got to go real soon. Like now.

OrangeFox's story! by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2019-09-04 13:15:00 UTC Reply

Box Kicking

Sorry I took so long, folks, I was both busy and dumb today, you know how it is.

Crit by Neshomeh on 2019-09-04 14:54:00 UTC Reply

The one thing that stood out to me for improvement was a bit of "as you know, Bob" with this line:

> “Oh, right.” Charles nodded. “You’re a centaur.”

Urf. I could see someone saying something like that to a person they know to be funny, but without knowing Charles well enough to know if he's that kind of guy, it really comes across as the author awkwardly slipping in some information through dialogue instead of pausing to describe it.

I also think a centaur would do better kicking with their back legs than their front, but that may have been deliberate, since the front-kick went as poorly as expected. {= )

Otherwise, this was a cute scene of two friends killing time together. Fun! Except for that guy at the end. >.>

~Neshomeh

Thanks for the critique! (nm) by OrangeFox on 2019-09-04 16:47:00 UTC Reply