Subject: Concrit
Author:
Posted on: 2019-08-21 14:18:00 UTC

I've read quite a bit of Enid Blyton myself, and I can definitely see the inspiration there (I seem to remember something about a broom that wouldn't stop sweeping...)

I really liked some of the description you put into this; I was able to get a clear picture of the tailor's shop.

However, there were quite a lot of SPaG errors, which broke up the flow of the story and stopped me enjoying it as much as I might have done. I recommend getting a beta-reader to check over your work before you post it (if you're planning on writing longer pieces). This will help you pick up on a lot of those errors.

There were also a few phrases and sentences which felt a bit jarring and awkwardly phrased. For example, from your second paragraph, Issac went to cut some white string and wetted it with his saliva, and ran it through the eye of the needle.

Personally I'd rewrite that as something like Issac cut some white string and wetted it with his saliva, and then he ran it through the eye of the needle.

Some of this may just be a matter of personal style, but to me the second one reads much more naturally than the first. Partly because the use of "went" doesn't really work in this context, and partly because where you have the two "and"s it feels wrong for one to have a comma and the other not. You could also split this into two separate sentences after the second "and".

Sorry if this sounds a bit negative - it's much harder to write about the good bits!

Overall, despite the problems with SPaG, this seemed like a pretty good story! I hope to read more of your writing, and hope you find my concrit useful in improving it!

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