Subject: Also not a permission giver...
Author:
Posted on: 2019-07-02 03:28:00 UTC
But I did like your samples! The first prompt was genuinely heartwarming. The characters give me a fairly strong slice-of-life vibe. I am curious- what's Harvey's original story? Is he from the same one as Jack? It's a bit hard to tell.
Looking forward to your first mission!
Second verse, same as the first...
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10zpjlcCU9x9VSO5LDVr0n2EomeSjiqke1r67S2wctSw/edit?usp=sharing
But I did like your samples! The first prompt was genuinely heartwarming. The characters give me a fairly strong slice-of-life vibe. I am curious- what's Harvey's original story? Is he from the same one as Jack? It's a bit hard to tell.
Looking forward to your first mission!
Jack started out as a wildly OOC AU version of Jack the canonical Magic Tree House character. That AU only ever existed in my head, since I was maybe six at the time and hated writing things down, but I still cringe when I look back on it.
Harvey showed up a few years later in something about ghosts and buried treasure and kids with superpowers. I figured it would be safe to stick Jack in there, since the only thing he had in common with his canon counterpart at this point was a first name. I abandoned that story after a few pages. I did not have a large attention span in those days.
It's an embarrassing story even by badfic standards. :P
Except with me, it was a massive multicontinuum blending- er, crossover featuring obscure mobile games, Mary Sues and Gary Stus galore, and just about ever piece of media I'd consumed to that point.
It's where I originally came up with Leo and Aeris, although at this point they're both entirely different characters sharing a name and species.
And hey, at least you didn't write any badfic down. Meanwhile, I've got two versions of Whitefang and the Animatronics to my disgraced name.
Hey, no worries. I've got some horrible grimdark stuff in my past, personally. I was a very edgy middle schooler. I never had the attention span or courage for fanfic, but if I had I probably would have had some embarrassing PJO Sues. Daughter of Kronos, maybe.
I've seen you around, you're cool, and I have very little critique for you.
The main bit of critique I have is for the second story, in which you spend all this time building up the mystery of where the DORKS is hiding and then don't tell us what funny thing it's disguised itself as! ... Unless it was the headphones? But if that's the case, it wasn't clear that the headphones weren't just headphones. It reads like Harvey finds the headphones, then finds the DORKS under them or something.
To be fair, I have heard the headcanon (from Ix, I think) that the DORKS only disguises itself on missions, so if that's what you're going with it's fine, but I'm old-school, and I say never pass up the opportunity for a sight gag. {= P
(That's actually serious PPCing advice. Always be looking for a way to make a funny scene funnier. {= D )
Also, a small mechanical issue: make sure to fix your smart quotes so they're pointing the right way after an em dash. You've got a couple places where someone's speech is broken up with dashes, and the open-quote of the second bit of dialogue is facing the wrong way.
I do worry a little about things getting too heavy with Jack, but he reads very enjoyably, so I think it'll be fine. Also, I'm hardly in a position to talk. ^_^;
Go forth and spork, young human!
~Neshomeh
Jack and Harvey thank you, too. They've been hanging out in my head for the past ten years with very little to do. :D
I just assumed the DORKS didn't disguise itself while not on missions. *shrugs*
*fixes smart quotes* Got it.
Jack shouldn't have any problems unless he and Harvey encounter a suicidal Sue. That's something I learned from Lily Winterwood and Agent Christianne, actually: don't bring up a character's past trauma unless it becomes relevant. (And yes, poor Derik. But he has Gall and Thoth, so I'm not too worried about him.)
Thank you again!
LOOKATCHA MATE BLOODY LEGEND GOODONYA!
Congratulations and such!
...but I can tell that your writing is looking good! Can't wait to see your first mission!