Subject: I have... so many questions.
Author:
Posted on: 2019-05-11 15:00:00 UTC
But I'll only ask one: if you have a freakin' possessed shark in your movie, why the hell wouldn't you focus on it? It's a shark! That's possessed! What more do you need? (I'm always up for killer nuns and blonde vampires otherwise, but sorry, the possessed shark wins this round for me.)
Ah, the beauty of B-movies.
I came across some true gems while browsing streaming services last night. I hope these make you laugh as hard as I did.
* The Sand (The... scariest thing I can imagine?)
* Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre
* Paranormal Sex Tape (One can only ponder the logistics.)
* Piranhaconda
* Fortune Cookie Prophecies (I'm quaking in my boots.)
* Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf
* Killersaurus
* The Invoking (This is only funny if you know it's ripping off The Conjuring, but... c'mon. Really?)
* Evil Bong
* House of Bad (Very, um, specific.)
* Raiders of the Lost Shark
* Sharkenstein (Guys, I love these shark movie titles so. Much.)
* Easter Bunny Bloodbath
* Microwave Massacre (Again, I'm trying to work out the logistics here.)
* The Gingerdead Man (This is something of a cult classic, but I just love the concept so much.)
* Clowntergeist
* Shark Exorcist
* Bad vs. Worse (I have no jokes to make. I love this.)
* Serial Kaller (I love puns, but... GAD. *groans*)
* Don't F*** In The Woods (Actual title of an actual movie, guys.)
* Blood Is Blood (That is, in fact, true.)
* Decampitated
* Thankskilling
* Accidental Exorcist
* Flowerman (Again, sounds terrifying.)
Which one is your favorite? I think mine is Decampitated - this might, in fact, be the worst pun I have ever read with mine two eyes.
I think my favourite, purely in terms of length if nothing else (feel free to make your own jokes about that comment), is the following magnum opus of cinema:
Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2
A masterpiece.
Here are some more:-
* Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell
* Monsters Crash The Pyjama Party
* Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
* Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash
* Fertilize The Blaspheming Bombshell!
* Weasels Rip My Flesh
* Monsturd
* I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle
* Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead
* Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator
* Werewolves On Wheels
* Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things
* C.H.U.D: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers
* The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies
* Chopper Chicks In Zombietown
* The Long Hair Of Death
* Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead
* Let's Scare Jessica To Death
* The Cars That Ate Paris
* Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
All, I assure you, works of genius.
This may, in fact, be a lie.
I've heard of some of them before (I was going to mention Zombie Ass before I saw that you already did), but man, these are amazing. Sometimes the bad horror movies are even better than the good ones, I tell ya.
Someone should organize a party where all the writers of these masterpieces get together and try to write the script for the Ultimate Horror Trash Movie. (Speaking of trash, I can't believe I left out Tokyo Gore Police and Mutant Girls Squad! Those are true epics of trash cinema.)
The title is more an aritfact of translation than anything else - it's one of the great Italian giallo films.
I kind of love it, in fact - it has a sort of Gothic charm to it. I love a lot of strange giallo titles, actually, like The Bird With the Crystal Plumage. They might not make a lot of sense on first glance, but they sound lovely to me.
Now a title like Weenie Roast Massacre, on the other hand...
:D
(Speaking of silly, here's a dumb question: how do you format italics here on the Board?
So it'd be < i >/< /i >, without the extra spaces.
The Don't **** in the Woods has a sequel due out soon.
I am not making those titles up, Jaboody Dubs did riffs on them and everything.
Another classic is Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, but I didn't include it this time because it wasn't on the streaming site where I'd found all these gems.
I actually watched this one. There's a possessed shark indeed, but it only appears in two or three scenes. Most of the movie is spent on some killer nun and a vampire blonde.
And the Shark Attack genre has plenty of similar "goldmines"
(Attack of)
the 2 Headed Shark
the 3 Headed Shark
the 5 Headed Shark
the 6 Headed Shark
It stops there, however. No 7 heads for now.
Also, dunno if this actually counts as a horror movie, but Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is still funny.
~Neshomeh
But I'll only ask one: if you have a freakin' possessed shark in your movie, why the hell wouldn't you focus on it? It's a shark! That's possessed! What more do you need? (I'm always up for killer nuns and blonde vampires otherwise, but sorry, the possessed shark wins this round for me.)
Ah, the beauty of B-movies.
I mean...possessed shark. Killer nuns and vampires. WHY NOT USE THE GORRAM SHARK?????
On a more reserved note, I can't help but think that the writers thought- halfway through the preproduction writing- that they needed something with sex appeal to attract viewers, and a shark wasn't going to do it. Thus, the vampire. And possibly the nun/s, if you go for that sort of thing.
...but I have to vote for Fortune Cookie Prophecies.