Subject: Yeah, this is back in Aelis's home verse
Author:
Posted on: 2020-02-17 18:47:10 UTC
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*has done a Write and is Proud* by
on 2020-02-15 05:09:01 UTC
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So this is a bit of a weird piece. It's meant to be pure concentrated mindshpx, and if you have to puzzle over it for a while before you have the first clue what's going on, that's what I was aiming for :)
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Reply: Feedback by
on 2020-02-17 10:02:23 UTC
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Before I actually get down to giving feedback that hopefully won’t get in hot water, I have one important point. THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK AND DEALS WITH THE SUBJECT OF RAPE. Thank you.
Even though other boarders have pointed out a similar point about your fic, the descriptions are quite good. The usage of simile for umm, describing the sensation as riding a horse, is interesting, and tells us on what umm, the assailants were doing. The use of drawing comparisons to drowning in an ocean and the violence is a good metaphor, for Aelis’ suffering and hopelessness. There’s quite a few themes in this writing that I actually appreciate.
But I have a few problems with the writing. Where is Rudi? Isn’t he always in the bar?(I assume that this actually takes place at Rudi’s). Other than that, aren’t there other agents around? I’m also not sure why they haven’t heard them raping Aelis? No, I don’t mean the wet noises from the rape. Through Aelis’ perspective we’re told that she heard that there were three characters who were laughing. So, weren’t they also making noises such as laughing, and as a result would have alerted others?
Overall, if I were to look over the plotholes, I think that it’s a decent and a bit short piece of writing.
~SomeRandomPersonAccount hopes that he hasn’t offended anyone.
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...It... wasn't set in Rudi's. (nm) by
on 2020-02-17 18:02:28 UTC
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- Yeah, this is back in Aelis's home verse by on 2020-02-17 18:47:10 UTC Reply
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My mistake, they we’re drinking, so I thought that they were in a PPC related location (nm) by
on 2020-02-18 15:33:28 UTC
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Re: story by
on 2020-02-17 01:59:51 UTC
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Just going to spoiler all this, I think:
—doctorlit, angry on Aelis's behalf
- Thank you SO MUCH for the feedback! by on 2020-02-17 03:15:21 UTC Reply
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Though I responded on Discord by
on 2020-02-16 04:26:32 UTC
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I wanted to reiterate that I really enjoyed reading the piece, and the feelings it evoked were incredibly vivid and amazing.
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Thank you so much, that feels so great to hear! (nm) by
on 2020-02-17 03:31:55 UTC
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