SRPA is correct. *reviewer hat on*

Here comes the edge birb! by Literature’s Hanafuda on 2020-02-18 04:54:13 UTC Beta request Reply

I will appreciate the concrit that would go into the bio and the one-shot featuring Corv. And have a nice President's Day.

Edit: Forgot to put a language warning.

Well, I read both of them by SomeRandomPersonAccount on 2020-02-19 12:27:13 UTC Edited Reply

Warning: Language

Because no one has replied to your writing yet, I decided to give back some advice. But can you please put in a language warning though? Because I swear that the use of the word pussy is bad language and I’m sure that we’re supposed to warn beforehand. I also don’t think that Beta requests work like this. Usually boarder A would ask for the email of an unsuspecting victi- I mean beta reader, and send the link to him/her. But apparently you want your writing to be public, so I guess that you’re fine with your writing being public.

I know that Corvus is supposed to be edgy and all, but to be honest he’s comes of unlikeable. I mean, he called Gizmo a pussy for no reason other than he’s edgy. Now, I don’t know anything about Gizmo but he seems to be younger than Corvus. Why? Because he was mentioned to have smaller proportions to his counterpart. I also don’t understand why Gizmo still asks him to be his acquaintance, even though he was insulted. Now, I’m assuming that Gizmo would be the same age as Corvus, but why doesn’t he know what pussy means? I mean, eventually teenagers learn those things, and probably more swear words.

Corvus also comes off as extremely aggressive. Because if he would to stare at me and essentially tell me to fuck off, I would feel threatened and angry. I have an older brother and I don’t like him. Why? Because he’s aggressive. He strangled me once for being “inconsiderate” and “loud”, by laughing. He was wearing earphones. But then Corvus softens up and let’s Gizmo be his friend after he is startled? So Corvus is just pretending to be an edgelord even though he was throwing a tantrum about his knife being confiscated? What is happening? Where is the logic? It also comes off as creepy, at least to me, when Gizmo started to cry that Corvus was leaving him. He doesn’t even know him, and yet he’s acting like he’s his younger brother! They’re strangers. I don’t know whether they are related or know each other, but it’s just really weird.

I also read the bio and I feel that it’s alright. Nothing else to write home about. I kind of feel confused about why Gizmo doesn’t even have one. Is Gizmo a side character or is he supposed to be a main character? Why doesn’t Gizmo even speak? Doesn’t he usually speak in role plays?

Now the SPaG is alright, for my Singlish level of English. So I can’t really tell you much about it sadly. Overall, I think that you can improve your writing. Sorry if this came off as insulting though.

Edit: I forgot to put down a part about Corvus speaking Italian. So does he come from the Italian voice acting dub of Sonic Forces?

~SomeRandomPersonAccount has filled the role of a beta reader, as requested.

SRPA is correct. *reviewer hat on* by Neshomeh on 2020-02-19 20:15:37 UTC Reply

For future reference, beta-reading is meant to take place in private, just between you and your beta(s). When asking for a beta, what you should do is tell people a little about the piece in your post, but only share the links with whoever volunteers as a beta.

Having read the one story, I also agree with a lot of SRPA's critiques. Full disclosure: 1. I haven't read the bios, because at the moment I'm only interested in what you're able to convey about your characters with your storytelling. 2. I'm not a fan of the concept of "edgelord." Being called one by other people is not a compliment, and calling yourself one seems like a bad excuse to get away with acting like a jerk instead of actually dealing with whatever your problem is.

Corvus is doing nothing to change my opinion. It seems pretty clear that he's got some issues making him afraid to form connections with people, so he's put up a tough exterior to protect himself. That's fine, but defining him by that bad defense mechanism makes me suspicious that he has no intention of changing and becoming a better person, which is not something I'd want to see. I especially wouldn't care to spend much time watching him beat up on Gizmo while the little guy just takes it because he's so desperate to have the companionship of someone like himself. Quite frankly, that looks to me like a setup for an abusive relationship, and it makes me feel icky about them.

On the positive side, you seem to have taken people's critiques from the previous thread on board, and I thought the descriptions were pretty good for the most part. I'd introduce the fact that Gizmo is writing with a notepad and pen the very first time he does it rather than wait till later, because that made me stop and scratch my head rather than remaining immersed in the story. Other than that, I feel like I had a pretty clear idea of what was going on, so good job on that!

Here's what you should do next: Take some more time—like a good bit more, like at least until this thread falls off the front page—and work on getting your second prompt piece written and have all the parts of a complete, coherent Permission request assembled before you ask for betas again. I'd also suggest giving yourself at least a week between when you think you're ready for betas and actually asking for them, and first reread your work yourself, and make sure it's as good as you thought. When the work isn't so fresh in your mind, you may notice things you couldn't see before. When you do post your next request for betas, follow the procedure I outlined above.

Good luck!

~Neshomeh