Subject: Re: mission
Author:
Posted on: 2020-06-07 17:09:28 UTC

Some interesting ideas here! We've got our first poltergeist agent, and I'm amused by the idea that he seems to enjoy watching smut. That's going to make for some interesting humor, and an interesting challenge for Hedda to work with. I also found the scenes where Ghost tried to hide from the mission, but still wound up following along after to be rather cute.

I admit I'm a little confused by the relationship between Hedda and Ghost here. At the beginning, Hedda was (reasonably) annoyed by Ghost hiding in the closet and leaving her to do the mission alone. But then, when Ghost rejoins her later, she seems unhappy to have him along. ("'Remind me—what—you are supposed to do here.'" "Hedda, glaring at her companion, began . . .") Despite the attitude Hedda shows for Ghost here, Ghost still comforts her when she gets ill, and removes her from the scenario that was bothering her (despite enjoying it himself!) Hedda later repays this kindness by . . . abandoning Ghost while they're being chased. Which ends up putting her in danger. Is there an aspect to this relationship that I'm not understanding? Because as written, Hedda feels more hostile towards Ghost than his behavior warrants.

A couple typo-ish things:

"‘Alone against the world, as always, eh?’ She said to the CAD, tossing it into her rucksack before it could reply, stuffing in her Two Towers and a copy of The Silmarillion in after it."

Since the "She said" is just the tag to the dialogue at the start of this sentence, that means it's still part of the same sentence, and the "S" in "she" doesn't need to be capitalized. "' . . . as always, eh?' she said . . ."

Also, the "in after it" feels a little redundant to me. ". . . stuffing in her Two Towers and a copy of The Silmarillion." works just fine.

"Reaching for the D.O.R.K.S., he transformed the two of them . . ."

No need to bold equipment names!

—doctorlit likes Ghost quite a bit!

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