Subject: thank (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2020-06-12 06:53:26 UTC
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My first mission, hopefully good by
on 2020-06-05 08:47:11 UTC
Edited
Writing
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PPCed this absolute beast of a fic. NSFW, NSFB (sexual assault, canon warping).
Here's the mission. Any feedback will be appreciated.
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I read it! by
on 2020-06-16 00:43:04 UTC
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I thought the part where Hedda was admiring the replacement and then coughed some glitter out was funny!
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Trivia moment by
on 2020-06-16 08:38:14 UTC
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This was inspired by an MST I wrote with Odysseus Nemo, where my self-insert would cough up glitter every time purple prose was used.
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Thoughts by
on 2020-06-11 08:14:37 UTC
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- Minor nitpick, first paragraph, "FicPsych, and" — it feels like there shouldn't be a comma there
- A chunk of the way through, I'm not sure what species Ghost is, but I'm liking the overall friendly dynamic here
- If this is Hedda's first mission, she's presumably gotten a lot of training? Otherwise she seems like a rather experienced newbie. That or she's been on some training missions or otherwise had experience with badfic but nothing like this.
- Ok, the healhcare is a human right bit is funny
- And I'm liking the dramatic tension
- There have been a few awkward bits of dialogue structure - careful with the em dashes
- That was close (the assassination thing)
- Delayedly, and I probably should've expected Ghost to be a literal ghost
- I do hope there's an interlude where Hedda and Ghost actually work through this situation (or a bit of that in later missions)
So, overall, there's low-level technical glitches and a couple fiddly setting-conformance things, but, to counteract that, you're pretty good at action sequences and dramatic tension.
Keep practicing and I'm looking forward to the next one
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thank (nm) by
on 2020-06-12 06:53:26 UTC
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Re: mission by
on 2020-06-07 17:09:28 UTC
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Some interesting ideas here! We've got our first poltergeist agent, and I'm amused by the idea that he seems to enjoy watching smut. That's going to make for some interesting humor, and an interesting challenge for Hedda to work with. I also found the scenes where Ghost tried to hide from the mission, but still wound up following along after to be rather cute.
I admit I'm a little confused by the relationship between Hedda and Ghost here. At the beginning, Hedda was (reasonably) annoyed by Ghost hiding in the closet and leaving her to do the mission alone. But then, when Ghost rejoins her later, she seems unhappy to have him along. ("'Remind me—what—you are supposed to do here.'" "Hedda, glaring at her companion, began . . .") Despite the attitude Hedda shows for Ghost here, Ghost still comforts her when she gets ill, and removes her from the scenario that was bothering her (despite enjoying it himself!) Hedda later repays this kindness by . . . abandoning Ghost while they're being chased. Which ends up putting her in danger. Is there an aspect to this relationship that I'm not understanding? Because as written, Hedda feels more hostile towards Ghost than his behavior warrants.
A couple typo-ish things:
"‘Alone against the world, as always, eh?’ She said to the CAD, tossing it into her rucksack before it could reply, stuffing in her Two Towers and a copy of The Silmarillion in after it."
Since the "She said" is just the tag to the dialogue at the start of this sentence, that means it's still part of the same sentence, and the "S" in "she" doesn't need to be capitalized. "' . . . as always, eh?' she said . . ."
Also, the "in after it" feels a little redundant to me. ". . . stuffing in her Two Towers and a copy of The Silmarillion." works just fine.
"Reaching for the D.O.R.K.S., he transformed the two of them . . ."
No need to bold equipment names!
—doctorlit likes Ghost quite a bit!
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Ignore the weird formatting :p by
on 2020-06-09 15:12:58 UTC
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Google Docs does weird things to my writing, and I can't fix them from here. If you've looked at my Permission Request, you'll have noticed the thread between Zingenmir and me. She saw the errors, but I couldn't. I sure hope to find out what's messing with me, though!
And anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'm still trying to figure out how to write emotion changes better, which will (hopefully) get better with time.
Glad you liked my agents!