Subject: From a skim of the bits I remember being confusing, they seem much improved! (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2022-03-08 05:07:19 UTC
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Mission 2 with O'Ryan Keys by
on 2022-03-06 22:53:07 UTC
Edited
Writing
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No warnings, just insanity. Medic is a free-to-use character!
(Also, this is a. not my current writing style and b. takes place in April 2021.)
The fic is Mermaids?!
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Oh hey, I managed to read something! by
on 2022-03-09 14:42:39 UTC
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I don't have much energy for that these days, so well done. :)
I was going to give an in-character review by the long-suffering Terri Ryan (the name even fits!), but I did not have the energy for that, so I'm just going to pull out the one comment I had for her to make before I gave up:
There's a couple of quoted badfic lines which feel like a PPC agent would love to make something of them, specifically:
[she] tried to make senseof what she saw
if your story doesn't check out your finished
Those both feel like "the fic is talking about the agents" type lines, and I was surprised that they didn't get a reaction (unlike the funny 'lowy' skit). What I was wondering was whether you did it deliberately - quoting them and then letting us as readers make the connection, rather than lampshading it through the agents?
hS
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re: mission by
on 2022-03-08 05:29:34 UTC
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Considering how well known the Disney adaptation of The Little Mermaid is, it's kind of amazing that we're only seeing the first mission to it here, in 2022, and in a Transformers crossover, to boot! I think you did a great job of using the aquatic setting to screw over your agents in as many ways is possible. It's not just funny, it's also an appropriate demonstration of the difficulties of having characters switching between such dramatically different ecosystems! I'm super confused why the royal witch is a mermaid rather than an Ursula's species ("octopans," apparently), since that seems to be what witches are in this continuum, but I guess that's what happens when you send a "wich" to do a witch's job?
I admit, I do find it unrealistic that Medic continues going along with the agents without any confusion or questioning. On the one hand, I guess if every mission that recruited a bit character had that same conversation, it might get repetitive. But on the other, Medic seems rather aware of her surroundings for someone with their occupation for their name, reacting to the word world warping and such, so it feels off to me that she just follows along with the agents unquestioningly.
Some little typos?
"'Gosh qnza it to urry!'"
I initially thought this was a joke, that O'Ryan wasn't swearing properly even under rot13, but later, he does use the proper "uryy.""'At the end of season 1, the Bots try a time traveling device the Doc Greene found and screw up the timeline . . .'"
While I don't doubt Dr. Greene is an important fellow, I'm not sure he requires a "the!""And then they all woke up besides the Sue's bed . . ."
It's so sad that the bed . . . never awoke (dramatic musical sting here)"' . . . anyways, by bashing her run her hands over lots of glass shards . . .'"
I suspect you wanted a different verb there?—doctorlit, up late because he kept diving into Disney!Mermaid lore. Turns out they can breathe air, even in merperson form!
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Fixed the typos. by
on 2022-03-08 10:13:28 UTC
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-kA, who is at the airport and tired as fudge, so sorry if I somehow created more typos (whoops)
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Thoughts by
on 2022-03-07 05:45:40 UTC
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- I wonder what problem O'Ryan's talking about
- .. acknowledging the rot13 in-universe is very PPC
- Now i want to know what "that fic" is
- The bit about the mermaids probably not being a Sue species is setup for dramatic irony, isn't it?
- Poor notebook...
- Neat point re the glass
- 'Tan her sales' - *snrk*
- Typo: you have a
l'owy'
in that bit - I think I'm missing some context: who'd be giving the agents crap for making fun of a typo?
- Ah, punctuation attacks, an old classic
- At Kitty whispering to O'Ryan that "she wasn't one", I think there's a dangling referrent - I can't tell what 'one' is (or, necessarily, who 'she' is - probably Medic). You might want to take a look at that paragraph for coherency
- Adding the interruption charges was a nice touch
Overall, solid mission that showed off the issues with the fic.
One thing I'd keep an eye on in the future is scenes getting incoherent - there were enough people running around and saying things and such that at times it was rather hard to tell what was going on.
That aside, thanks for writing!
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I think I fixed those issues. by
on 2022-03-07 14:22:13 UTC
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Let me know if it's still confusing. And thank you for the review!
-kA
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From a skim of the bits I remember being confusing, they seem much improved! (nm) by
on 2022-03-08 05:07:19 UTC
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