Subject: I've read the thing
Author:
Posted on: 2022-07-03 03:39:59 UTC
I'll say it hangs out pretty close to TOS style, although it feels like it's a bit low on what I read as explicit attempts at humor.
It worked pretty well overall, though.
Mina and Carlisle’s first mission can be found here. It features: a badfic by a certain pair of Suethors, lots of yelling, and a Hermione replacement that really hates minis.
—Ls
One note for safety purposes: be careful where you write things if you're posting to OneDrive, because your email is visible in the Author field on downloaded copies. In this case it doesn't match your Board email but doesn't give any extra personal information, but if you start the file on a home, school, or work computer it could give out info you don't want to make public.
hS
...I’ll write it in OneDrive and just post it on AO3. To avoid issues like that.
—Ls, happy someone else has read it.
I seem to have missed "An Introduction" when it was first posted, but I've read it now! I quite like both Mina and Carlisle. Mina feels like she has all the best qualities of a Suvian: confidence, curiosity, and a willingness to question authority. Carlisle, on the other hand, is a fun deconstruction of the "veteran agent" archetype: yes, he knows how to do missions, but not how to interact casually with others. And in the actual mission, you show that for all of Carlisle's experience, he's actually easily flustered by badfics, and not nearly as in-control of his words and reactions as he appears at first glance. Meanwhile, despite being a newbie, Mina takes the mission in stride and is willing to give it the benefit of the doubt when Carlisle becomes overly critical. I know that's partly her formerly Suvian nature giving her natural resistance to things like scene changes, but ultimately, her open-mindedness and optimism prove better psychological guards against the insanity of a mission than Carlisle's rigid by-the-book mentality does. They have an excellent dynamic that's fun and thought-provoking to read!
And now, may I proudly welcome you to your very first installment of "doctorlit points out every little grammar and spelling error in your story because he has That Kind Of Brain." (It's a great honor, I assure you. Everybody loves when I do this, and it definitely isn't irritating at all!) These are all from the onedrive link, which is the version I read.
"While you had you beauty sleep," said Carlisle. "We were assigned a short one-chapter fic in the Harry Potter continuum."
"your" beauty sleep
Also, since all of Carlisle's dialogue here is a single sentence, that period after "Carlisle" should be a comma, and "we" should get a lowercase "w" Making the final product look like:
“While you had your beauty sleep,” said Carlisle, “we were assigned a short one-chapter fic in the Harry Potter continuum.”
“Yeah, yeah, great.” Carlisle said.
This period should also be a comma, since the dialogue is flowing into a dialogue tag.
“Ooh, disguises!” I’ll be a werewolf.”
A bonus quotation mark! eats
Lastly, a technical note (in the computery sense): your and your beta's comments are publicly visible in "Maya Sue."
—doctorlit only whishes wishes Rez was still around, to have seen the whish!
Thank you so much for the kind comments on the agents’ dynamic.
I fixed all the errors, both in the AO3 and the Word versions. I really love the grammatical nitpicking. Seriously, thank you. (What do those quotation marks taste like?) Comments are gone.
Also, I’ve done some work on Mina’s wiki page. So...that. (Side note: I really thought “whinge” was a typo, I’d never seen the word before.)
—Ls, happy.
I'll say it hangs out pretty close to TOS style, although it feels like it's a bit low on what I read as explicit attempts at humor.
It worked pretty well overall, though.
sometimes people read but do not review, or they are busy enough with IRL that they do not have time to read a mission. Please be patient.
I know we should theoretically all be concritting all the time, but realistically, the #1 best thing we can do for each other as writers is to just say we've read it, so we don't all feel like we're shouting into the Void. (I don't know if anyone's actually read my spinoff of Sergio's story, for example.)
Forget reviews, or save them for later - if you've read something new, at least drop an "I read this".
(Have not read this mission, because I rarely read PPC stuff and I've been on Ix's book. But I've got it open now for tomorrow maybe.)
hS
And I liked it, particularly the “French” gag.
And honestly, I’m bad with reviews anyway.
—Ls
And I'm serious - the best kind of review is any review that exists.
hS
I’ve read without reviewing myself. I’m just hoping this post isn’t too much buried behind others for people to notice. (I guess no one’s much discussing Ki no Shirayuki’s recent mission either; I’m not alone.)
And I’d add a “so far...expressed interest” instead. Sorry if I came off as whiny.
—Ls, just disappointed a bit, trying to be patient and certainly Not Angry. (Pretty sure I’ve heard the last bit before...)
The important part is just to keep writing.
And for what it's worth, I do have your mission on my to-read list, but I also have to finish reading Ekwy's last mission and do some beta work for hS 😅
~Lily, whose day job drains her English ability to the point that she doesn't want to offer concrit after work
Here. However, the bold doesn’t work for some reason.
—Ls
You have to put a < b > before the bold and a < / b > afterwards for ao3, for some reason (no spaces though). If you did that and it didn't work, then I have no clue.
Also quick spelling mistake, 'He turned to Draco. “And you posses blond hair and light grey eyes. Neither of you know Hermione as Maya, as that is not and has never been her name.” ' has a spelling mistake in possess (at least in the ao3 version, I don't know about the other one)
Wait is Neuralyzer spelt with an "i" or a "y"? I've been spelling it with a "y" but I might be wrong.
But I’ll add the correct coding when I have the time.
“Posses” fixed, and yes, it is “neuralyzer”, with a “y”.
just pointing out:
“While you had you beauty sleep,” said Carlisle. “We were assigned a short one-chapter fic in the Harry Potter continuum.” - the "you" should probably be "your"
“This is Serious Buis—“ wouldn't it be Serious Business?
(please tell me if this is annoying and I'll stop/not point any out in the future, genuinely)
Your mission's really cool by the way! Poor mini Hermoine, that was quite an ordeal they just went through. May their time at HFA be more relaxing. I think I read this fic at some point while I was binging the My Immortal Wiki (the fact that you're admin on that wiki is awesome, I remember seeing your posts/comments as well). Overall, bye bye Sue, hello Carlisle and Mina, and I'm eagerly looking forward to see their missions as they come out. Their interactions & dynamic are really interesting!
“Your” is corrected, and the “Serious Buis—“ is unfinished because Mina’s interrupting him.
This is very much not annoying; I really like concrit.
Thank you for the kind comments, I plan to write more with Mina and Carlisle (including a sporking of I’m not Okay). It’s nice to see another My Immortal Wiki-er here! By the way, what’s your Fandom username (if you have one, just out if curiosity)?
—Ls, happy that someone else is interested in his wiki-ing and characters.
doubting my self business, right? so it'd be busi- or bus-
I am Blackbird lol (i'm somewhere far in your notifications probably, and I'm not really a my immortal wiki-er I just binge read nearly every page)
You’re right, it’s spelled “business.” I have no clue why I thought otherwise. Maybe it’s just English’s natural tendency to spell things weirdly? But anyway, it has been corrected to “Busi—.”
Yeah, I think I’ve seen you there before. And it depends when you read all the pages—a lot have been updated or created in the past few months.
—Ls/RxV