Well, it could be silicone tongs (nm)

[NSFW] Fëanor on a barbecue, these have got to be the funniest Harry Potter 3P mpreg of all time by Kі nо Shirayuki on 2022-10-19 05:19:21 UTC Badfic report Reply

I present to you Unknown and its sequel Better Days, a delightfully misspelled and ineptly written adventure in which Harry is randomly turned into a vampire-like… thing by an exchange student from Australia, then Draco and Harry date Snape and have rear-end babies with him. Dumbledore is bashed for not wanting Harry to get pregnant and become unable to fight Voldemort, and Draco and Snape are nicknamed "Dray" and "Sev" respectively. Just have a look at these gems to see how hilariously bad the fics are; from the first fic:

harry looked at [Ron] and sighed

"the problem with that is...you promise not to get made or anything?"

Ron looked at him and sighed "alright"

"I'm gay'

Ron just looked at him

"your gay"

"yes"

"but when"

harry looked back over the garden and sighed

"well i'm in love with Sev..Snape"

"WHAT!"

Harry winced and hurried away into the garden

From the sequel:

Harry smiled and tackled him down on the couch and started to kiss him. Slidding his tong along Draco's

bottom lip and stuck his tong into his mouth and started to fight for dominice with a tong battle with draco's

tong.

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Tong? by Alercore on 2022-10-19 14:54:47 UTC Reply

I don't think Draco would appreciate the taste of metal.

+1 Newbie Point for that comment. (nm) by Linstar on 2022-10-19 17:06:13 UTC Edited Reply
Well, it could be silicone tongs (nm) by Kі nо Shirayuki on 2022-10-19 15:22:26 UTC Reply

P.S: In the first fic, by Kі nо Shirayuki on 2022-10-19 14:31:27 UTC Reply

Draco refers to himself as a seme at one point. Don't ask how he knows a Japanese slang term.

P.P.S: I swear, this thing gets more and more hilarious as it progresses by Kі nо Shirayuki on 2022-10-19 15:00:26 UTC Reply

The Gary Stu that turns Harry into a vampire-like thing? Turns out, he's a member of an uncanonical race called 🥁 🥁 🥁 Gren Tre, whose attributes include:
Gren Tre What are they?

Gren Tre a very old creatures they were

supposedly lived in the earth till a earthquake

that happened in the prehistoric time

awoke them driving them to the surface

to feed.

They are similar to gods Very powerful

they have two mates. most will never find both mates

but some will.

a Gren Tre is able to get pregnant as these creature are so rare

we do not have any information on

the Mating or the pregnancy.

In existence there have been at least 100 Gren Tres alive.
and he turned Harry into one as well. Without consent too.

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Oh my gosh. What on earth. by Linstar on 2022-10-19 16:55:03 UTC Reply

Just....head explodes

That about sums up my reaction.

—Ls

Aaah! Good canon, what is wrong with those fics?! by Linstar on 2022-10-19 11:30:37 UTC Edited Reply

The spelling...and...the illogic...just no...the characters only being “borrowed”...PUT THEM BACK, FIC(s)!!! And why is the vampire thing named Billy!?! headdesk

Would you be interested in doing a co-write mission to this, Yuki? Maybe involving Émilie? Because... it needs to die.

—Ls is testing out a new Bleepproduct—Bleepa-cola. Here, take some.

I'm not actually in HP fandom by Kі nо Shirayuki on 2022-10-19 11:32:22 UTC Reply

so I'm afraid I can't do any missioning for it. Hey, this might be a chance to give Émilie a debut!

I mean, you don’t have to be a canon expert to cowrite a mission. by Linstar on 2022-10-19 12:03:59 UTC Edited Reply

You just need to be able to write a character well.

If you want, we could throw Carlisle with Émilie and one of the Four Demonly Kings. It would be fun to have them meet, and Carlisle would have to explain canon to them. I could provide the necessary canon knowledge, you can write your character(s). If you’d like, that is. My email is clickable.

Otherwise, this may just go to my pile of fics that I really should get to. It’s rather large.

—Ls

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Deal, but instead of a Demonly King I'm bringing Fáelán by Kі nо Shirayuki on 2022-10-19 13:05:50 UTC Edited Reply

because he's from Twisted Wonderland, thus providing the perfect chance to compare the magic systems of his universe and Potterverse's. He was even in a dorm that's pretty clearly an expy of Slytherin. I'll leave writing Mme Beauchamp to you, as she's largely your character now; you'll build upon her character in ways you prefer.

My contribution might be slow due to real-life and writing schedules (and gaming).