So for those who might not have already found out or deduced it from my general vibes, here's something you should know about me: I live and breathe dumb, terribly-written action movies. I don't mean dumb and terribly-written as in "Jason Statham stonefaces his way through a tossed-together script and a few bullet duels". I mean "Dolph Lundgren is fighting Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa for the hand of a feisty princess" or "Scott Adkins somehow becomes the last ninja ever, despite being literally the only white person in a Japanese dojo full of equally-qualified martial artists, to take down a secret society cult". Both of which are movies that exist and which I have seen, for the record. The latter is exactly as unfortunately written as it sounds, but the fight scenes are... kind of amazing, honestly.

There is one action movie I'm especially fond of, though: a little-known and yet infamous trashsplosion titled U.S. Seals 2: The Ultimate Force. This is a sequel that has nothing to do with the first movie, as far as I know, but is very entertaining high-octane patrotic shlock with uncomfortable implications, and also just enough amazing fight choreography and unbelievably dumb writing to keep you watching. Needless to say, it's one of my all-time favorites. And because I know this movie better than I know myself at this point, I decided to resurrect an old project: a snarky sporking-style recap of the Mad Libs plot of this cinematic gem. Since I've always meant to return to my review blog eventually, I'm making it the first and last project of the year written for The Lair of Oculus.

Here is part one and here is part two for your viewing pleasure. Warnings: mentions of fire, assault on women, BL 1 (the latter two are glossed over in the recap because they're also glossed over in the movie, but they're there, so I wanted to let readers know), as well as some rather strong language. But I tried my best to be funny, and since funny writing is what got the PPC community started, I figured I'd share my word salad here. My two recap posts end an hour into a 90-minute movie, but fear not: part three is in the works, and will hopefully be posted in this thread before Christmas.

Let me know if you enjoyed these, and if you would be up for reading more bad movie recaps! And if the descriptions of the plot catch your eye and you're also of the Z-movie-enjoying crowd, please give this one a chance. You won't regret it. Or maybe you will, but in a funny way. You get me.