Last post in this thread, promise, but...

Did someone say bad action movies? by Oculus on 2022-12-21 13:50:01 UTC Plug Reply

So for those who might not have already found out or deduced it from my general vibes, here's something you should know about me: I live and breathe dumb, terribly-written action movies. I don't mean dumb and terribly-written as in "Jason Statham stonefaces his way through a tossed-together script and a few bullet duels". I mean "Dolph Lundgren is fighting Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa for the hand of a feisty princess" or "Scott Adkins somehow becomes the last ninja ever, despite being literally the only white person in a Japanese dojo full of equally-qualified martial artists, to take down a secret society cult". Both of which are movies that exist and which I have seen, for the record. The latter is exactly as unfortunately written as it sounds, but the fight scenes are... kind of amazing, honestly.

There is one action movie I'm especially fond of, though: a little-known and yet infamous trashsplosion titled U.S. Seals 2: The Ultimate Force. This is a sequel that has nothing to do with the first movie, as far as I know, but is very entertaining high-octane patrotic shlock with uncomfortable implications, and also just enough amazing fight choreography and unbelievably dumb writing to keep you watching. Needless to say, it's one of my all-time favorites. And because I know this movie better than I know myself at this point, I decided to resurrect an old project: a snarky sporking-style recap of the Mad Libs plot of this cinematic gem. Since I've always meant to return to my review blog eventually, I'm making it the first and last project of the year written for The Lair of Oculus.

Here is part one and here is part two for your viewing pleasure. Warnings: mentions of fire, assault on women, BL 1 (the latter two are glossed over in the recap because they're also glossed over in the movie, but they're there, so I wanted to let readers know), as well as some rather strong language. But I tried my best to be funny, and since funny writing is what got the PPC community started, I figured I'd share my word salad here. My two recap posts end an hour into a 90-minute movie, but fear not: part three is in the works, and will hopefully be posted in this thread before Christmas.

Let me know if you enjoyed these, and if you would be up for reading more bad movie recaps! And if the descriptions of the plot catch your eye and you're also of the Z-movie-enjoying crowd, please give this one a chance. You won't regret it. Or maybe you will, but in a funny way. You get me.

So re: my recaps... by Oculus on 2022-12-25 07:28:16 UTC Reply

Since this is apparently a thing I do now, I've decided to make an index page where each of them can be accessed, for easier reading. The page (which has some strong language in it) contains links to my recaps of U.S. SEALs 2 and Bridge of Dragons, as well as my latest venture, a more analytical sporking-adjacent recap of a very, very bad romance novel I've read. Major warnings for that recap so far are mentions of fire, more language, and an intensely creepy love interest who's only going to get worse in later chapters.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, happy holidays and/or end of December to those who don't, and a big thank you to those who check out any post on my blog!
I enjoyed the first part! by Neshomeh on 2022-12-24 21:40:08 UTC Reply

Haven't gotten around to the rest yet.

I have one question: Did you make up the name "Cow Fart Island," or is that actually what they call it? I'm guessing the former (in which case brava, it made me laugh), but I'd believe just about anything. {X D

~Neshomeh

Thanks, Nesh! by Oculus on 2022-12-25 02:35:20 UTC Reply

I'm glad you enjoyed the intro to my magnum opus! And yes, 'Cow Fart Island' is my own invention. My cousin and I got a lot of mileage out of that one when we watched this movie together. But it's good that you're approaching this movie with an open mind, because the other two acts are... hoo boy. Looking forward to your reaction to those. xD

Thanks for reading!

Part 3 is up now! by Oculus on 2022-12-21 21:00:25 UTC Reply

Well, folks... this one took me a year and a half to accomplish, but my magnum opus, the recap of U.S. SEALs 2, is finally complete. Read the final part here if you so wish. Warning for mentions of fire and descriptions of very silly and over-the-top violence, as well as more strong language.

I hope you folks enjoyed this journey, because I sure did!

And for those who might be interested... by Oculus on 2022-12-22 13:56:28 UTC Reply

...I ended up rewatching another Isaac Florentine masterpiece today, and the inspiration struck again.

Behold: Bridge of Dragons, Act 1. This is an even lesser-known and somehow even more out there movie than US SEALs 2, and is actually the 'Dolph Lundgren fighting for a princess' movie from my original post in this thread. Warnings: references to fire, explosions, animal cruelty and animals being preyed on, eyes being hurt, physical abuse and BL 1 (most of these only appear as brief jokes and/or discussing what the movie is giving me to work with, but they are there). As for the premise... this is the one with the Satanist helicopters. If you've been around on the Discord whenever I'm talking movies, chances are you know what that means, and if not, have fun finding out. It's even dumber than you'd imagine. :P

And the adventure continues! by Oculus on 2022-12-23 12:53:32 UTC Reply

I'll confess, the sudden writing energy influx isn't entirely welcome, since I planned on finishing a few books during this last week of the year... but on the other hand, I'm having the time of my life recapping bad action movies, so here's another one! Join me for another chapter of Bridge of Dragons, featuring a scene which is either the top or the bottom of direct-to-video schlock. Yes, not even a movie: a single scene which sits like an emperor on top of his throne over every single ridiculous, out there action movie I have seen.

Read the recap here, if you're so inclined. Warnings: references to fire, explosions, strong language, and discussions of women being mistreated (nothing very graphic or harrowing, and I'm not laughing at abuse, I'm laughing at the way the movie utterly fumbles its treatment of the topic).

Last post in this thread, promise, but... by Oculus on 2022-12-23 21:47:36 UTC Reply

...I have finished my magical journey of machine guns and evil helicopters, just in time to relax for Christmas. Join me, if you wish, in the last arc of the amazing movie Bridge of Dragons and read my recap here. Warnings: references to fire, explosions and BL 1, as well as more strong language. I've been pouring a lot of energy into these recaps and I really did have a lot of fun writing, so let me know what you think if you read any of them!