Subject: Ooh, I can just about handle "very short."
Author:
Posted on: 2023-02-11 22:02:46 UTC
This was cute. {= )
My one critique would be that you can break up some of the longer paragraphs when the focus changes. For example, this one:
“Here we go again,” she grumbled, trying not to smile. “If I throw up on this one, I will blame you, James.” Click, click, click. She was strapped in. An attendant went around checking to make sure everything was secure, and it started. A chain pulled the coaster up a steep hill. Rebecca wasn’t too bad with heights, but this was somewhat higher than she liked. The coaster stopped.
I'd split that up like so:
“Here we go again,” she grumbled, trying not to smile. “If I throw up on this one, I will blame you, James.”
Click, click, click. She was strapped in.
An attendant went around checking to make sure everything was secure, and it started. A chain pulled the coaster up a steep hill. Rebecca wasn’t too bad with heights, but this was somewhat higher than she liked.
The coaster stopped.
As you can see, I second Linstar's suggestion of italics for the sound effect. {= ) But anyway, I'd use this paragraphing because, as I see it, there are four different points of focus here:
1) Rebecca's dialogue;
2) The dissociated sensory detail of her strapping herself in (a rare good use of passive voice—but do avoid it in general);
3) Narrative about the start of the ride; and
4) The moment of suspense at the top of the hill.
Other than that, again, cute! I wonder what Rebecca did to earn this vacation?
~Neshomeh