Subject: Ah, makes sense.
Author:
Posted on: 2023-03-01 03:43:25 UTC
I thought it was just a joke about most Disney stories being rated G or PG.
—doctorlit, only R-rated when hoses kink up on him
Subject: Ah, makes sense.
Author:
Posted on: 2023-03-01 03:43:25 UTC
I thought it was just a joke about most Disney stories being rated G or PG.
—doctorlit, only R-rated when hoses kink up on him
It's short and silly, and poor 'guya is upset.
Since it IS short, after all.
But I am long-winded, so I apologize in advance for a critique that's probably almost as long as the mission. ^_^; Please know I'm not trying to lecture or scold, just to explain my impressions and offer advice I hope is helpful for your future writings.
This mission felt... detached. There's nothing seriously wrong with it, but it begins and ends without the agents seeming to experience much in between. Not that there's much fic TO experience, but even so, I feel like the mission could have been developed more.
For instance, since Y/N fics are basically You!fics, what if the first agent through the portal became Y/N and had to go through the events of the fic themself? That would provide an opportunity to show why a story in this format might fail to be the immersive experience it's supposed to be when it's this poorly written.
(Of course, the agents could also avoid that problem with a "You" Crash Dummy, or maybe a SimGen, if they planned ahead.)
Kaguya's Angry Mode also just... happens, without any effect on the course of the story that I can see. After the mission, Kaguya's mood goes right back to where it started. If you wrote it without Angry Mode, you could remove the strange stylings around his dialogue and make for an easier reading experience, and the story could still end the same way.
Things that happen in a story have to have a reason for happening. The stakes don't have to be huge, but there should always be a sense that things could have gone differently if the characters had made different choices. Here, neither of the agents choose anything. Momo wishes she could cheer Kaguya up (perfectly good stakes!), but then a mission comes along, and she just goes along with it, like a cork in a river. She takes no action to try to turn the situation to her (and Kaguya's) advantage. I agree she didn't do anything wrong, because she didn't do anything at all. Thus, I don't feel any sympathy with her remorse at the end. Like the rest of the story, it just... is.
On a technical note, may I introduce you to the past perfect tense? Most of the two paragraphs about the Pennacook Club interview should be written in past perfect, since you're describing events that concluded before the time of the story. Mostly, switching from past to past perfect involves writing the relevant verbs with "had" in front of them, like so:
That morning, Kaguya had gone to give his interview for a coveted membership to the Pennacook Club. To this end, he had donned his best "gentleman novelist" outfit, had spent a bit more time on makeup, and had not forgotten to quote Tanizaki Jun'ichirō whenever he could. The interview had gone smoothly… until the end.
It seemed as unbelievable as it could get. It was not without reason that a member of the exclusive club had thought him worthy of an invitation: cultured botchan, tea ceremonist, "standing like a shakuyaku, sitting like a peony, walking like a lily." Yet, he had failed; he had been immediately judged unfit for membership at the interview stage.
(Also with miscellaneous other P&G edits. And, btw, did the interview go smoothly until the end [p. 1], or was he immediately judged unfit [p. 2]? Can't be both!)
Also, from the next paragraph:
> Was it because he had studied the Urasenke school of tea ceremony
> what had happened, happened
(Personally, I'm guessing the interviewers just figured he was too uptight and no fun at parties. {= P )
~Neshomeh, not angry.
I was a bit skeptical at first, that Hatsune Miku could even be treated as a canon, since it’s basically just musical performances. There’s really nothing there for a badfic to contradict. However, I do think this mission works as a transdimensional snatching case, and as warping the real world since, yeah, that’s some weird stuff going on in that school.
Love seeing the acknowledgement of PoorCynic’s spin-off! I also like the minis just being chibis; it feels like a perfect choice for a “series” with so little going on.
Oh, and I see Momoka’s romantic love is being a positive influence on Kaguya! He was able to get through the whole charge list without lapsing into angry mode!
—doctorlit, scrubaloid
However, if the comm decides Vocaloid fics count as original fiction or adaptations, I'll radically rewrite the entry into a mission for another fic. (Note that this only applies to Vocaloid fics; actual songs using Vocaloids should be considered adaptations and separate continua).
Also, 'guya has always been able to announce charge lists due to catharsis; he's only in "angry mode" in the charge collecting process. Hachune is a classic meme in the Vocaloid fandom, stemming from the infamous illustration for the equally infamous cover of Ievan Polkka. Thanks for the comment!
Or Super Smash Bros. There might be lore if you squint hard enough, and terrible writing is terrible writing either way.
Speaking of Poor Cynic, I could see this fic being classified as an Improbable AU, too, given "all the characters are in high school" being a classic/cliché AU setting.
Though, I was actually wondering what Vocaloid is if it's not a video game, myself. {X D
~Neshomeh
as well as other fictional musicians like Gorillaz.
For future reference, it's a good idea to include this information in the subject line of a post so people who know the fandom can get interested as easily as possible. Including it in the story header, with the summary and disclaimers, is also a good idea.
Most of the time, no one will bother to go looking further than that. I only happened to have a few minutes to spare just now—and I might have spent them reading, instead! I actually have vague memories of a friend being into Vocaloid years ago. {= )
~Neshomeh
I've added a "Mission canon(s):" label to the beginning of the mission, and I'm currently retroactively adding them to all applicable posts (interludes that are set in continua are given "Interlude canon(s):" instead).
Ah, the sadventure continues! It’s tricky for me to comment when missions are split into parts like this, since I’m not getting the full narrative at once, but I will say I was amused by:
-the idea of fairies from a Disney cartoon being conceptually horrified by pregnancy
-the rooms made out of Snape parts
- Fáelán and Émilie failing to commit Carlisle’s canon lessons to memory, to the point where they don’t realize Voldemort’s significance
Funny, the agents seem bothered by Harry and Draco being rude to Dumbledore, but considering how Dumbledore is behaving in this story, I think yelling is quite warranted. Being an authority figure/having a title in front of his name doesn’t excuse bad behavior or choices on his part!
—doctorlit doubts the beds in an “infirmery” are very comfortable, though probably better than in an "infirmestry"
Fairies in that canon don't reproduce sexually, and new fairies materialize from human laughter. That should explain Helena and Sheen's reaction.
I thought it was just a joke about most Disney stories being rated G or PG.
—doctorlit, only R-rated when hoses kink up on him
That aside, Fáelán's species do indeed reproduce normally; there's also one main character in that canon who's a half-fairy, half-human.