I'm still liking Charlie's gender being "dunno, you tell me", and the intro piece is nice overall.

And it's nice to see the Cafeteria side of the 2008 invasion. I don't have any super-coherent thoughts on the piece, but it was well-written and I liked it. Though Matterhorn keeps being his very abrasive self.

First Contact

Fun! I really feel Jiwon’s nervousness here. Meeting new people in an unfamiliar place is scary, and of course, Charlie looks like a big cat! (They could maybe also learn to open doors a little more calmly, too!) You did a great job of making Jiwon’s animal mannerisms feel realistic when in fox form; it actually reminds me of a fennec fox I know! And Charlie’s carefree attitude is always fun, but I think this scene serves as an excellent introduction to them!

On this sentence:
He couldn't see the rest of the figure, so he scooted back forward an inch or two . . .
“back” and “forward” contradict each other; it will flow better to drop the “back.”
. . . so he scooted forward an inch or two . . .

Years Prior

Yay, I love seeing bits of PPC history revisited! And I love a bit of deconstruction of the past PPC’s view of Suvians, since they had a bit of “simultaneously threatening and pathetic” going on, there. It makes sense to me that at least some of the Suvians really weren’t down with suddenly being turned into soldiers. (I wonder if the Bindweed was using all the best warrior!Suvians in actual stories, and only had Suvians built for other genres, or just poor quality Suvians, available when the Somebody ordered the invasion?) I hope some of the other less offensive Suvians made it to safety, as well! (I also like the detail that the factory Suvians also refer to the invasion as an “emergency.” A bad time was had by all!)

I really love your expansion on the Kitchens as being a horrific labyrinth! It gives better justification to the fact that the Cafeteria workers never see each other. I’m especially tickled by the idea that the Kitchen maze is arbitrarily filled with bathrooms, most of which probably never even see use! You also did a good job of showing the sanitary conditions of the Kitchens through character actions, rather than just stating it as background detail. (Tess noticing the staining, Matterhorn drinking from measuring cups and chopping with a rusted knife, etc.)

I’ve never really vibed with the joke about the Cafeteria serving Suvian meat, not on any moral ground, but just because it contradicts what the setting has established about glitter. It doesn’t make sense that anyone eating in the Cafeteria regularly wouldn’t eventually develop dangerous existential side effects from doing so. But I know that’s a long-established element of the setting, so this isn’t really a criticism of this story specifically, just me venting about our overall inconsistency about how dangerous glitter actually is.

What’s the joke with Tess’s name? It sounds a bit familiar to me too, but nothing is coming to memory . . .

—doctorlit, needing Charlie as a role model in chill

It... distresses me that it was so long ago that you can title something like this "Years Prior".

Anyway, most of the good stuff I noted was already commented by Neshomeh, including nattering about Defectives and Slorp. (The original Defectives were just sort of pale and colourless, but the term just means any Suvian who didn't come out of the tank perfect and glittery; I think Tess would be one by definition, but I'm not gonna force the label on her.)

On the word "Suvian" - you're right that it only came in later, but I personally project it back as well (see: this set in 1999). My reason is that "Mary Sue" has always been, and increasingly is, used as a sexist insult to any female character the speaker doesn't like. When we've got an alternative available, I'd prefer to use it. But that's my own decision, not some sort of mandate. (It also saves me having to decide which male version to use - they're all just Suvians. ^_^)

hS

I like it!

I guess Tess is one of the Defectives? (Or maybe a couple of them smashed together?) It seems to fit her pale, unfinished appearance and lack of obvious abilities.

And, I don't recall if it was the intention at the time or not, but it does make sense to me that the Factories cranked out a bunch of Defectives to fill out the Sue army for the Invasion. It DOES explain why most of them were so useless, haha.

You're not the first person to observe that, incidentally. Not to toot my own horn, but IIRC, one of the comments I got on "Gestalt Therapy" was that it was the first Invasion story someone had read that made them believe the agents might actually be in danger. Though even so, thinking back, I'm wondering if I could have had more people than Barker get seriously injured, and like, more on-screen... Ah well. It's a long time ago now.

I like your description of the kitchens! It's kind of terrifying, not least because of Matterhorn's blatant disregard for food safety. No wonder Cafeteria food is so hit or miss. You never know whose "cuisine" is going to make it to the buffet line on any given day. {X D

Big kudos for the foreshadowing of Slorp, too!

One critique: You switch point of view from Matterhorn to Tess, and I was thrown off a bit when we started getting her visual impressions and opinions when we'd started out following Matterhorn's. I point this out only because I'm not sure if it was an intentional choice or something that just happened while you were writing. You definitely can switch POVs in a story (without announcing it, even)—just make sure you're doing it for a reason. {= )

General writing pointer: Consider removing at least one adjective/adverb before leaving the paragraph. Some examples from the first two paragraphs:

labyrinthian maze

This is redundant. You could take just the stronger of the two terms, labyrinth, and have an overall stronger sentence.

In one of these kitchens was an old, incredibly wrinkled man in Cafeteria-standard whites, his apron and bristly gray beard smeared with thick sauce. He chopped away at an onion, occasionally pausing to wipe the fumes from his beady, sunken eyes with the back of his bony hand.

Loooots of descriptors in this paragraph; you could probably stand to lose at least two. First, I'd cut "thick" and optionally use a stronger verb than "smeared" to give the impression. Slopped or caked, maybe.

Second, I'd cut "beady, sunken" and, again optionally, use a simile instead. It's hard (for me) to reconcile beady (bead-like, round and shiny) with sunken (in shadow, possibly dull from ill health), so some imagery would be very helpful in getting across what you mean. Are his eyes, idk, bear-like, perhaps? But really, I don't think this is the place to be describing his eyes at all, since the action you're narrating has him covering them. Focus on the hand here, and save the eyes for a moment when they're important.

I also read "First Contact," but as short as it is, I'm afraid I don't have much to say about it. I'd definitely grant you Permission (again), though. ^_~

~Neshomeh

Read 'em, y'all, they're good!

-Ls