Subject: Sweet Apple Massacre
Author:
Posted on: 2012-06-27 10:02:00 UTC
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I am glad that when I Googled this I clicked the link to Know Your Meme instead of the pastebin page that came up first.
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I'll be over there with the Bleeprin. -sob-
I have finally commenced a spork of Fifty Shades of Grey, which can be found here: http://astra-aurora.livejournal.com/tag/fifty%20shades%20of%20fail
For the record, the book's worse than it sounds. Just in case you were wondering.
When you put up chapter three, I felt inspired and rambled about it a bit. Seems like I foresaw how it would play out.
I just binged through all the new chapters, and wow, you should rename it to Fifty Shades of Wrong. Seriously, if this wasn't written from Ana's perspective and played totally straight, it would work as some kind of psychological thriller.
Also, ligaments: I'm currently sitting out my second ligament injury. The first was at the ankle. I was basically announcing myself by giving off a variation of "ow" at every second step. The splint helped, though. Dang, I can't even remember which ankle it was any more.
The second, more recent one's at my right knee. I'm not sure if it's permanent, since, if it's been overstretched, it most likely won't shrink down again, but it got better to a certain degree. I was able to walk home (very carefully), but I did take some wrong steps and ended up on my rear end once. I wrapped my knee up, which helped a lot. Again, I could walk, I just had problems with sharp corners. While I still feel it, I can walk around normally and run. Let's see what the MRI says.
Bottom line: Nobody had to nurse me back to health. In both cases I was able to walk back home (down a mountain/up a hill, respectively). In both cases I was almost free of pain as soon as the injuries had been taken care of. Hell, for the second one (which was worse, in my opinion), I went to work. Two days after it happened.
He should have broken his leg or something. That would have been a reason for mom to stay at home.
How about 50 Shades of Grey as read by Gilbert Gottfried?
It doesn't get better than this, folks!
~Mys
About the book: I've seen worse. The worst I've seen would be Corruption of Champions.
CoC is a game though. A decently well-programmed one, and a fairly well-written one. I'm pretty sure it falls more under the Your Kink is Not My Kink rule, unlike 50 Shades, or Twilight, which actually are poorly written.
I found the fanfic 50 Shades is based on a few weeks back. Anyone who wants to give reading it a crack can: http://www.wattpad.com/1114636-master-of-the-universe-by-snowqueensicedragon
I will warn you that it's exactly as stupid, plot-wise, as the book, only the formatting is ever worse, and there aren't many quotation marks.
Also? Universal has apparently picked up 50 Shades for a movie deal. I can't really wrap my head around how they're going to get less than an NC-17 rating, and keep a runtime longer than 30 minutes.
Don't tell me, it's going to be released on December 21st. I know it is.
Such a treason against canon can only be considered an apocalypse.
The date's currently unknown, and as far as I've heard, nothing concrete's been decided. I don't think they could make a movie and get it out on December 21 unless everything was decided like right now.
I did hear that Bret Easton Ellis wants to write the screenplay. That makes me happy.
The film might be something interesting to watch, as the concept itself behind the book has some potential.
However, the only way to make a decent film out of this thing is to discard the book entirely and use only the concept.
If this thing it's as bad as it seems, there's an high risk of a canon collapse here.
Badly written book, born as a badfic of a book that was considered badly written too... If we hadn't sworn off Emergencies, it would have caused one the very moment a badfic of it appeared.
Seriously, I think it's better to exclude this canon from the PPC Multiverse, otherwise the canon ruptures would go out of check very, very fast.
And for Madoka's sake, let's not think what a crossover badfic would cause.
We'd get badfic from a fanfic based on Twilight. If we run a mission in a 50 Shades fic, it'd be a fanfic on a badfic on a fanfic based on Twilight.
Sound the Inception horns!
50 Shades is a novel adapted from badfic on Twilight.
So if we ran a mission in a 50 Shades fic, we'd be writing fanfic on badfic on a novel adapted from a badfic on Twilight.
Are the Inception horns just really slowed down "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"? :D
~Mys
I believe my age means I am legally encouraged to avoid this book like it's got a particularly virulent and infectious disease. Nonetheless, I am as intrigued by it as I am intrigued by police sirens and mangled heaps of metal in the center of intersections. Will you be going into 18+ detail on the sex scenes, or will your sporking be 'merely' NSFW?
(Enclosure talons included to acknowledge NSFW as no mere thing, and to note that this book is almost definitely NSFB as well. Need some Bleeprin?)
I will probably have to go into detail with the sex scenes to point out the fail, but I'll probably be able to gloss over the irrelevant ones. And there are a *lot* of irrelevant ones. I'll warn at the beginning of each chapter, anyway, and I probably won't quote much, if at all.
(Thanks, but I'll be good. I've read worse.)
Good to know on the warnings. And... 'good' to know on the being able to gloss over the irrelevant sex scenes, if nothing else than because that'll be more of the sporking that will be safe for my oh so innocent eyes. (Too bad you can't gloss over them in your memories...)
John Green of Nerdfighters fame did complain about this, but not the novel itself. He claims that Amazon.com business plan of cutting out the editor hurts novels' quality. He thinks that bookwriters need editors, and the traditional business model of writer-editor-writer-editor-publisher chain works really well for 500 years. The Miracle of Swinden Town commentary, check it out. Don't remember the number though.
Alright, this is the title of the video. Just search it on Youtube.
The Future of Publishing: The Miracle of Swindon Town #136
That sounds... horrible. Thank the Goddess I don't have to read it myself.
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Although the slightly masochistic side of me suddenly wants to read it. But I won't.
Eitehr way, good luck to you for sporking this... thing. *throws you some bleeprin*
I found an article about it in our local newspaper. It was praised for being so taboo and edgy because it dared to talk about BDSM. Oh, and it called Ana an educated woman. Does that show in the book? Like, in any way?
The "critique" (and by that I mean "plot summary plus praise for talking about BDSM in detail") awarded it 4 of 6 stars, while also calling it the Twilight saga for grown-ups.
Oh, and the main article called it soft porn for women. They do realize that they're saying that they're glorifying porn, right? Right?
Oh, it talks about BDSM. In detail. It just gets a lot of it wrong. Christian Grey is a terrible dom- seriously, anyone who gives their prospective sub alcohol before negotiating terms of their lifestyle does not deserve to have a sub.
As for Ana being educated- well, I'm only up to chapter three, but so far she's about to graduate, and she wrote an essay on Tess of the D'Urbervilles. So basically, it's a token attempt to show her intelligence, while giving no concrete proof. I think. I'll keep you updated.
So far, I'm awarding it no stars, but that's mainly because I can't get over James having Grey's office building contain sandstone floors and solid sandstone desks. It's possibly the most stupid thing I've ever heard in my life. I haven't reached the sex yet, but so far this book has grated on my nerves in every possible way.
I tried reading my mother's copy after my attempts at convincing her to burn it failed and it burned my eyes. I hadn't even gotten to the really bad sections (a.k.a. the rest of the book). The luck of whatever deity you worship be with you.
I really commend you for this. I tried reading my mother's copy and got about a page in before I had to stop due to an overabundance of whining by a supposedly mature character. Good luck on your quest.
This sounds like some monstrously bad writing, here. It reads like the author got so focused on moving the characters to the eventual endpoint that they overlooked all the little details leading up there. And also the way real, living people behave and think and talk.
Thank you for reading that so the rest of us don't have to.
...Ughhhh. Worse than it SOUNDS means it's pretty suckitudinous.
THIS right here is... an act of bravery, akin to the sporking of C*l*br**n. I salute you.
Not much lives up to C*l*br**n. On that list is also That Series, Sweet Apple Massacre, and quite possibly Cupcakes.
I haven't read this 50 Shades of Gray, although I read a story with the same title about a retired soldier who went nuts and killed himself and 49 other people after he was shot in the head and survived but was left colorblind. The latter wasn't too bad, even if it needed a touch of work. The former sounds so horrible it might make even the toughest of us break down and cry. Or, if we still have some will to live left, break down and get the TF2 Pyro to help us. (Reminding me that, and this is off topic by a million miles, Meet the Pyro is out tomorrow. Prepare for a surge of fics in the TF2 continuum.)
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I am glad that when I Googled this I clicked the link to Know Your Meme instead of the pastebin page that came up first.
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I'll be over there with the Bleeprin. -sob-
Yes. Yes you should have. Think. When Sporky stands up and warns you away, STAY THE HELL AWAY. You're talking to a guy who can say he has happily daydreamed about ripping people limb from limb and gutting them (I should see a psychiatrist about that). When I say it's bad, it's bad. When I say "it made my stomach churn", you know you're going to vomit.
Y'know what's scary? I mentioned to my mother I heard a lot of bad about 50 Shades of Gray, and she said she heard nothing but good. And I was given a brief description of the book, so... Yeah. Not sure if it's funny or disturbing that the people who say good are mostly women, either.
I shall note this. I shall note this very carefully, in mental 72pt font, and sear it to the learning centers of my brain. Maybe that way I'll pay attention and stop impulsively Googling things out of a seriously misplaced sense of curiosity. Maybe. I'll try, anyway, especially if your name's attached to the 'THIS WILL CAUSE IRREVERSIBLE LOSS OF SANITY'.
I think it's not that 'The people who say good things are mostly women', but that 'The people to whom this is marketed are women, so more women read it, so it's more likely that someone who likes 50 Shades of Gray will be a woman due to sheer numbers.' Probably there are guys who like it too, but what I can tell of 50 Shades' marketing is all female-oriented.
Aye. See, my own morbid curiosity knows no bounds. I wanted to spork Cupcakes personally until I found out Fritz (I can't remember the Boarder's name; I have a funny tendency to call people by their Agents' names) already did it. I was gonna do SAM for my first once I found out Cupcakes was taken, but then I found out that was done too. I don't want to touch on the Molestia Trilogy- the sporking would be over a hundred chapters, quite possibly- but I want a Legendary Badfic for my first target. I feel like I need to start my career off with a bang, you know?
You're a Boarder. You never had sanity to lose, dearie.
I find it quite disturbing that people could call this good writing, based on what I've heard. Maybe worse love story than Twilight, from what I've heard. Oh Celestia, I have an idea. I'll get it done later. I must read it for myself someday. Even if only for the sake of actually being able to diss the stuff later. I won't truly knock anything until I've tried it. That's how I became a Brony.
Starting with Legendary-level badfic for your first mission, that is. Speaking as a Permission Giver, if I saw that in a permission request, I would only grant it on the condition that something else was chosen. There are several reasons for this, but they all basically come down to the fact that you'd 1) kill your spin-off before it even starts because you'd never finish the first episode, or 2) kill your spin-off a bit later because starting off at that level of drama/awfulness means that you either have to settle for less in later episodes, or you have to maintain that high level or escalate it, and risk getting drummed out for having no clue what the PPC is really here for.
That's laughs, if you weren't aware. The PPC isn't about torturing each other with the most awful things we can find, it's about having fun. Legendary Badfic is notoriously bad for fun because it is so offensively god-awful. You have to really know what you're doing to pull off making a mission of it, and I promise you that not one of us really knew what we were doing with our first missions.
Just... don't do it. It will not end well.
~Neshomeh
M... Molestia... Molestia Trilogy????? Ehehehehehe what the FU[technical derpicolties, please stand by]
Heh. How about 'ability to restrain myself from running through the halls with an active flamethrower'?
Good luck on finding an unclaimed Legendary to kill, Sergeant! I'll be repressing my knowledge of the ones I know of via filling my brain with Star Trek: The Next Generation. I'm interested in your idea, though...
Eeyup. Trilogy. Three books, entitled Molestia, Lunaughty, and Twilust, written and to be read in that order. Streakz is still working on Twilust, but the first few chapters are up.
Thus far, I'm not sure if Lunaughty or Twilust is worse. On one hand, the former was full of bondage. On the other hand, the latter is quite a bit creepier. At the moment, they're all trapped in Blueblood's house while Twilight hunts them down one by one and seduces them. Yeah, not molests but seduces. Streakz's explanation for the change is long-winded, but it basically comes down to that forcing them won't accomplish her goal of bringing the Elements closer to one another. It's weird to say the least.
I'm preserving my sanity non-flamethrower-crazy by clinging to the thought that at least Twilight's seducing them first... buuuuuuut... yeah no I got nothing I want to hunt that fic down with a spork but I'm preeeetty sure I do not want to read it.