Subject: Re: Plug! PPC Prologue
Author:
Posted on: 2012-05-20 03:32:00 UTC
Ah, seeing Suicide trying to figure out stuff like plastic, glasses, and Igors is quite entertaining. Nice job with Igor's dialogue, and with transliterating English, by the way.
I currently have a new Suicide and Diocletian mission in the works, but in the meantime, there's something else that I'd like to plug here. Namely, the story of Suicide's resurrection.
There's always been more to Su and his weirdness. I tried telling this story once before, but it went awry, and I've officially scrubbed that horrible piece out of his canon. This new vignette is pretty straightforward: "welcome to the PPC, Suicide. Please stop strangling Doc Fitz."
After juggling several viewpoints and drafts, I decided to tell this from Su's own perspective. Which means a) it's a series of vignettes instead of a straightforward three-act plot, and b) language warning. Warning also for descriptions of what it's like to be disemboweled, but I think we all knew that was coming. Doesn't excuse Su's potty mouth, though.
Feedback and concrit much appreciated. http://bronzeclockwork.livejournal.com/1728.html
This was quite fun! I love Suicide's Very Different viewpoint of everything he encounters in Medical, and of being killed then not killed. I love how the Igors are actually easier to understand when their listener only hears the phonetic sounds of their voice (easier to me at least).
I kind of wish I could have seen his reaction to learning that the entire structure of nations he knew vanished centuries ago. Not to mention coming to understand the PPC's mission, and meeting Diocletian . . . but perhaps another day?
One grammar mistake: In the third paragraph, "Each movement send shocks of pain crawling up his arms." I think that should be "Each movement sent . . ."
Do I detect a hint of Dream Theatre? *sniff sniff* I believe I do. Am I wrong?
Now, I've never heard of the character before but am I to assume that he comes from some sort of historical fantasy or alternate history version of Ancient Greece? Around the time of the Battle of Thermopylae, if I'm not mistaken. Being able to convey that level of information to those who aren't familiar with the work is, in my opinion, what separates the great introductions from the merely good, so congratulations on that. If it were me writing, I might have found a way to work in some more allusions to the setting so I could establish what kind of universe Suicide comes from but that is a matter of personal preference.
I am concerned with the language. I have no issue with swearing, it seems in character for Su, but the swears seem too modern and out of place for a soldier from ancient times. I do not know for sure as I am not a historian, but this is what I feel. Or maybe it was the language implant.
Aside from that I have no other comments. Well done, overall.
I have no idea what Dream Theatre is, so I'm afraid you may be wrong there.
And yes, he comes from a historical novel called Gates of Fire, set around Thermopylae. He's actually a noncanon copy of a character in the novel who was killed; the mad scientists of the PPC's medical research department figured that a loose canon, who was already a practiced killer and insane, could be useful to them.
The swearing was difficult to decide on, I admit. In the end, though, I decided to use modern English; it would seem weird to have him speaking English in everything except swearwords. It's the same reason I called it "Greece" instead of "Hellas." And the ancients swore by sex, violence and excrement just like we do. XD
Thanks very much for the feedback! I'm glad the information was able to come across to a new reader. :)
One of their albums is called Scenes from a Memory and I pursued that line of enquiry on the off chance that the title was a reference to that. Well, I have been known to make mistakes from time to time. Dream Theater likes to go on 10 or 15 minute experimental prog odysseys. Other than that the title of the album, it has nothing to do with anything.
Wikipedia (NSFW).
Yep. Certain words have always been around.
Ah, seeing Suicide trying to figure out stuff like plastic, glasses, and Igors is quite entertaining. Nice job with Igor's dialogue, and with transliterating English, by the way.