Subject: Re: OK, that's it.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-04-11 14:41:00 UTC
I dual-post on Google Docs and LiveJournal, both are free. (LJ will drop the occasional hint about upgrading to a paid account, but those hints are easily ignored.)
I feel like this sucks the suckyness of suckville and that most of these things that I wrote are wrong, but here you go:
http://thescribeppc.webs.com/apps/blog/show/13999908-thunder-makes-two-hearts-grow-disgusted
Minis created:
liz
patty
kid
Be careful when doing Soul Eater missions from now on, guys. I made the entire continuum unsafe for you.
Yeah. Sorry about that.
Any corrections are appreciated so much. I wrote this up in about an hour, and I am really, really, really nervous about posting it.
Agh. Hiding under a rock. See you people later.
I liked this, even if I don't know anything about Soul Eater. Your agents are entertaining and I like them a lot.
That grammar was indeed horrible.
A good first entry! I liked that you gave the two agents a bit of history together, which contrasts with most new agent pairs being complete strangers to each other. I also like your mini design! They're a great blend of "cute and funny" and "unstable and dangerous."
A few grammar things. A bit after introducing the first mini, you have, "The redhead shuddered sat down all the way . . ." which should have an "and" in it.
A bit after that, the parenthetical (also known as the dummy) is ending in an emoticon, which I'm guessing is formating wonkiness with Webs.
Also, neuralyzer is spelled, uh, neuralyzer, rather than neuralizer.
Those are all things that would have been caught by a beta (presumably). Remember, you don't need to have a particular person as an official beta; most of us use multiple betas across all of our missions. Most people here are willing to look writing over if you ask! I'll also point you here: http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/PPCBetaReader_Directory
I officially hate Webs.com
First they came for my indentation, and I did not speak out
because I don't care that much about indentation
Then they came for my italics, and I did not speak out
because honestly, I can just fix that later
Then they came for my parentheses and replaced them with smilies
AND THAT IS GOING TOO FAR.
So... um... is there anywhere else with free hosting or at least somewhere I can post my stories?
I like your poem!
I use dreamwidth myself. It requires an invite code, but I have plenty of those sitting around if you'd like one.
I dual-post on Google Docs and LiveJournal, both are free. (LJ will drop the occasional hint about upgrading to a paid account, but those hints are easily ignored.)
I'll look into Livejournal. I've noticed a lot of missions on there, so it's probably a good choice... I'll poke around Google Docs, too.
I'm not that familiar with Soul Eater myself, but I did enjoy reading your mission. I thought that the byplay between your agents was really well done, and they clearly had a bit of history between them.
I did spot a couple of what could be typos, or could just be the difference between UK English / American English etc., but nothing major (like I said, I'm not actually sure that they *are* mistakes).
One thing that did occur to me however, was the possible incorrect use of the neuralyzer; at the end of the mission, Lisa tells the canons 'Now look at the pretty light, everyone...' and *then* uses the neuralyzer on them, leaving them 'dazed'. My understanding is that you give the false memory when they are in the dazed state, when they are actually suggestible enough to believe it. Also, if you give them the memory first and then flashy thing them, you're going to erase the false memory as well as the actual events that took place. Sorry to be pedantic, but I do have a tendency to... obsess a little, when it comes to tech.
Overall I thought it was very good though, and I hope I can put as interesting character interactions between the agents for my first mission as you managed in this.
I'm so horrible at remembering all that technology stuff that it isn't even funny. Extremely sorry for that. I'll try to keep it in mind again next time.
Oh yeah, and very sorry for the formatting issues, everyone! For some reason, my formatting doesn't translate well, and so all of my italiacs are lost. I'm slowly trying to go through and fix them, but it's taking a while.
The way my brain works just makes it easy for me to remember obscure bits of technical knowledge, but on the other hand, I can't remember how to correctly use an apostrophe. Seriously, if my spellchecker doesn't sort it out for me, most of the time I figure I've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right, which is probably good enough.
Off the top of my head, I can think of a couple of simple ways of dealing with the neuralyzer. Depending on how easy it is for you to edit a story once you've posted it, you could just swap the couple of lines so that the canons are flashy thinged (flashy thinged...? flashy thingied...? I'm not sure) before they get given the new memory. Then it works as normal. If you don't want to (or can't) change what you've written, then you could just bring it up next time as a mistake that Lisa made. She'd just done her first mission, had her partner get taken out of action, and had to perform an exorcism solo (which judging from her dialogue at the time she wasn't 100% confident about). I think that would be enough to shake someone up so that they forget things, or do stuff in the wrong order.
True, she seemed far more confident once the wraith had been disposed of, but people can easily be confident and wrong.
I'm slowly getting better at PPC specific tech, so if you do have any questions about the rest of it, I might be able to help out.
You did well with your first mission. You've begun to develop the ongoing relationship between your agents, which seems violent, but hey, that's not uncommon for the PPC.
There were a couple of spelling and grammatical errors here and there. Nothing major, but there's the whole throwing stones around glass houses principles here, unfortunately. You don't need an outright beta, just a second person to look over it. You are your own worst critic after all!
The thing I would like to point out that may need improving is a focus on the story itself. While you did show in the first mission of your two agents their interactions, there wasn't a lot of the story being looked at. Some more direct quotes, maybe, or having the agents summarise what's about to happen next are two ways you could do it. You just need to explain why you're PPCing this fic, and not another one.
But, as I said before, you've started on character development and had fun along the way. At the very least, you avoided making an Agent Mini, which I managed to do on my first mission. Otherwise, congratulations on the successful completion of your first mission!