I need to apologize, for many, many things. It’s amazing how quickly you will realize how much of a horrible person you have been when your anger goes away, and you realize that you had nothing to be righteously angry about in the first place.
I apologize for my conduct. Knee jerk reaction anger is not a sound basis for an argument.
I apologize to those who I may have leveled accusations against. Any accusations of wrongdoing in the case of mod selection are unfounded.
I apologize for anyone I may have intentionally or unintentionally dragged into this. That was wrong of me, and I’m incredibly sorry.
Feelings I had prior to Nakkel’s selection as a mod certainly played a part in my reaction. A huge, enormous part. I will admit that publicly here.I did not, and I need to make this clear, INTEND TO USE Tray’s case to settle a grudge with July. Rather, it caused feelings of anger I already had towards her to crystallize. (See below for exactly what that meant.) That is why I was perfectly willing, in my opening post, to try to do this without bringing him up. So yes. His departure made me angry at July, which was backed by feelings of annoyance and frustration I already had for her. (A grudge, for lack of a better term.) Tray only got brought up AFTER Data mentioned him. At that point, I wanted to try to explain my actions, which were already looking stupid. So I told everyone a half-truth: Tray’s departure angered me, and I was fighting it. As mentioned, strictly speaking, this is true. I was deluding myself thinking that I could convince anyone that I had no grudge with July, and that things were only happening because of this one case. In this sense, I did use him; as a way to keep from accepting responsibility for my own actions. That is despicable. I cannot say how sorry I am that I used him; even if it was unintentional, and I did not realize it until I sat down to write this apology.
In my anger I oversimplified things to fit my own vision. I felt like Tray leaving was the last straw; the last thing in what suddenly appeared to be a succession of events leading up to this moment. I felt that things needed to change. (See what Data alluded to me saying in conversations in his post.) And so I made a post, in anger, that attacked an individual who did not deserve the accusations I made in it. I continued to defend this post long after it was obvious that I was wrong, even to myself. Anger drove me, I have no other explanation. I thought I could right some long lasting wrong with this one thing. There was no way I could bring up my real reason for my anger; since that would break confidentiality. (Not that my reasons were right. I just thought they were.) Obviously, admitting I had a personal grudge against July on top of what I saw as my reasons would destroy my case, so I had to keep that in check. The issue of mod selection seemed like one that I could argue for, and that I had a logical basis for my argument. I could use it (that word again) to right these terrible wrongs. Is it obvious that I was trying to settle a score now? Yes. Did I realize I was trying to settle a score? No, of course not. I thought I was a defender of those who had been injured, but refused to speak up, and voicing concerns everyone else had. Obviously, I thought my anger was justified, and that I could, at least on this one issue, get people to my side. That was not the case, and for that, there is good reason. I was wrong. I was completely wrong.
As to conversations alluded to by Data: The one with Phobos was quite genuine; as stated above, I believed things that are not necessarily true. I was hoping to get him on my side, but I was not trying to manipulate him, by explaining what I believed to be true.
The things I told Data, I told him because I wanted him to understand. I did not think I could bring him to my side; but I very badly wanted him to understand.
As for EF, what I talked with her about was very similar to what I said to Phobos. Both of these conversations were almost pure expressions of my truest thoughts and feelings on the subject; what I posted on the board, especially at first, were what I thought were my unrelated arguments on this one issue I could use to end the issues I was talking about with Phobos and EF. I thought that surely, they agreed with me, and I could convince them to actively help me on the board.
To all three of you, I apologize. It was not my intention to manipulate you. I genuinely believed what I was saying. It would be much more true to say that I was telling you what I believed, and trying to restrict what I said on the board in order to both keep from breaking confidentiality and to try to conceal personal feelings I had on the issue, and so as to gain support. That obviously failed, and the fact I thought my opening post was relatively neutral speaks to how much I was deluding myself. So yes, I was trying to garner support for my position on the board in a manner that was far more manipulative than I what I did with you. For that, I apologize to the board.
So yes. To summarize, I was wrong, and I sincerely apologize to those I may have hurt. I did an incredibly stupid thing. It’s amazing how quickly you realize you’re wrong when you’re no longer angry.
And now, I am leaving. This is not a flounce. I fully intend to be back someday. I blame no-one but myself, and my own stupid actions, for my departure. I just need time away, and I assume that there are many of you who think that me being away is a good idea.