Subject: Oh, and this one:
Author:
Posted on: 2012-04-09 08:46:00 UTC
A parent's reaction after hearing that his daughter killed a fellow student by burning him to death:
"You are not allowed to play the Legend of Zelda games EVER again! Do I make myself clear?"
...
I am somehow underwhelmed by the magnitude of the punishment. I don't understand why.
Exactly what it says in the header. What quote made you laugh out loud when reading/sporking badfic?
My personal favourite comes from a Portal trollfic. Quoth the UberSue:
"WHEATLEY...IZ...NOT...A...MORON"
I can't keep a straight face when reading this. I just can't.
The Subject line is one of my favorite, because it sums the whole thing up. Pretty much the entire thing is a great quote, though. Especially on the Youtube videos. It's even funnier because I have a friend whose name is John Freeman. :P
Here is a couple good ones that aren't as famous.
"The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy."
Henry Freeman who was living in the city and with his mom said "mom why are Combines here" and she said "Henry Freeman Combines are from science and outter space and hate humens."
And this could never be complete without the very famous:
John Freeman got quiet then dropped wepon and said "I have to kill fast and bullets too slow" and started killing Combines with bear hands.
One of my favourite lines from that fic (I believe it's the same one) is 'Combines came and put science in me'
...to the GMod reenactment, part one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs
Regarding Legolas and "Aragon":
"They started fighting. There. But Suddenly they both flew. Along the ground with force. Then Sary came and said. I love. You both that’s why I stopped your fight. They all had passionaty sex all night..."
*wanders off to hide under something away from the brainpain...*
Because seriously:
"The next morning. They arrived to Rivandall Eldorna was waiting there. For them. Sary took Legolas’s body. From her back. And Eldornna said. Legolas is dead. But I will bring him. Back to life. Eldorna said MUISTMOMM and Legolas was alive again."
Back when I sporked it, but nothing really came of my positing it.
But seriously, yeah. All I have to say on the subject? MONKEY.
I had managed to block out the monkey!!!
Well this comes to mind:
"ALSO, I DID LOOK AT HIS EYES AND THEY WERE CLEARLY AMBER WHEN I LOOKED AT THEM SO ... YOU YOU OTHER COWARD!"
This was an author's response to some reviewers. What makes this even sweeter is that it's in the very first Bad Fic I ever found. It's not very funny exactly, but I burst up laughing when I found it.
DiamondGirlie & her "characters" (note the quotation marks) are real gems. So...well, read this:
"You didn't want the guy to think you were an "eccentric" weirdo. Always save your most outlandish outfits for 9th or 10th dates. Or better yet, none at all. If you're not in style, you're just a freak who deserves to be alone."
So very pleasant. So very, very pleasant.
You Belong With Me was the first Badfic I ever found. I might do a mission on it sometime. Maybe.
Let's just put it that way.
I'll keep an alert out for that author's name.
"My Inner Life." That is all. There's a good 2-3 pages of author's notes at the beginning of the fic ranting about how awful the reviewers are for flaming her. Includes such brilliant statements as: "ALSO LEAVING MALICIOUS REVIEWS IS ALSO A SIGN OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM." Someone actually made a website to collect her crazy rants, and dang does it make for hilarious reading.
IT’S A DAMN SHAME TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO CANNOT CONDUCTIVE THEMSELVES IN THE SIMPLEST MANORS THEIR PARENTS HAVE TAUGHT THEM!
Manors. That their parents have taught them.
Or try the fact that after about 200 words she says that these reviews only make the reviewer look stupid, and do not in any way reflect badly of her...after, of course, total all caps and 3-exclamation-points rage.
Another jewel. Heh. *headshake* Oh, humanity...I wonder sometimes...
They can be a mix of ungodly aggravating and amusing.
On the annoying end: "fanfiction is not bound to the rules a series "may have" created but rather to the writers ideas. Even original stories itself may not make "totally" sense in all ways.
A fanfiction writer can more or less do anything."
Haha, no.
Also: here are two quotes, one from the fanfic and then one from the author's response to my criticisms. Try to spot the issues! (The person talking is Akemi Homura, and in the second quote she's talking about Sayaka.)
"She doesn't really dislike Mami and Sayaka"
"she's the one I did never really like too much"
's over at http://linksqueen.tripod.com/rant.html. Warning: contains high levels of loony persecution complex.
Re: PMMM stupidity: The grammar in that second quote hurts my brain. X_X Incidentally, is this from that same fic with the Homura character replacement that we were talking about a while back?
Ah, yes. We need a Madoka OFU just for that one writer, I swear. And no, it also has Sayaka replaced, Kyouko replaced, and FREAKING ULTIMATE MADOKA replaced.
The singular upside to this: In another fanfiction, she has Homulilly (witch-form Homura) cause the end of the world, and replaces Kyubey. Seriously, listen to this:
Kyubey jumped on Madoka's shoulder and said: "Be careful Madoka, I don't want you to die until you've become a Puella Magi and until you've become a witch."
Yeah, screw subtletly. It makes a) Homura become a sort-of intelligent witch, with a human body and sane mind (because the writer thought that "her witche's design is not cool/pretty enough for her." (quoting) Yes, why SHOULDN"T a monster spawned from despair look pretty? The fanfic also makes Homura's timeloops be a coma-dream. Uh, yeah. Clearly she missed the part about magic breaking reality (also, Homura apparently sleeps with her glasses on.)
In spite of this, Homulilly actually manages to be a good character. She's a replacement, and does pull off one or two improbable magic stunts, but she has a tolerable personality, and seems like prime recruitment material. I plan to recruit her later and write her. Ah, such plans I have....
The only other example of total replacement I've seen in a non-Legendary badfic is in the Ace Combat one that I took down some months ago.
My Agents had to bomb down the whole place (uncanonical air base), partially because they couldn't kill the replacements one by one as they were an indistict mass around Not!Harry Potter.
Good luck with that one. Seriously, how do we deal with Not!Ultimate Madoka? Drop her in a black hole?
About the other one, do whatever it takes to recruit Not!Homulilly. The PPC needs its own version of Homura Akemi.
And the "sleeping with glasses" thing, despite appearing sometimes in anime (Conan from Detective Conan/Case Closed is guilty of it) is impossible. I once fell asleep with my glasses on while reading on my bed. I bent them.
And it was possible only because I was quite tired, as laying your head on the pillow with your glasses on is very uncomfortable.
I actually used to fall asleep still wearing my glasses back before I got contacts, but mine had fancy frames that could bend out as well as in to stop me from breaking them.
If Godoka was herself, I'm not sure a black hole would be enough, so I guess we just have to hope like hell that the replacement never demonstrates the abilities she should canonically have if she was actually, y'know, Madoka. :P
(Incidentally, there being an Ace Combat/Harry Potter crossover badfic strengthens my belief that there is a secret cabal of Suethors out to write terrible crossovers between Harry Potter and every other work of fiction in existence. I simultaneously look forward to and dread the day when I find a HP/Richard III fic or something.)
The problem is, most of the times it's done poorly.
And it's a shame, because a crossover, if done right, can be a really great story.
In fact, all the fanfictions I wrote ARE crossovers. And if I ever start writing fanfiction again... crossovers.
Don't you think too that a Madoka/Nanoha or Madoka/Metal Gear Solid can be done well?
(Hint: Focus on Homura, and on what she would be able to accomplish together with Nanoha or Snake. Or even both.)
Especially since I now have this mental image of Walpurgisnacht versus the berserk Defense Program. It'd be like a Godzilla movie, but more Cosmic-Horror-y. :3
I was thinking about making Madoka botch her wish, so Homura repeats the timeline again. But the attempt caused the world to be slightly altered, and so Homura ends up either Nanoha's cousin or Solid Snake's daughter.
It would be cracky, and Walpurgis would have no chance of survival.
Well, ShadowCrystalMage has released concept art of Akemi Homura: Agent of Hope and Madoka: Concept of Hope for the Takamachi Nanoha of 2814 fanfic, and didn't you post a Triangle Heart/Madoka thing a little while ago? Homura teaming up with Miyuki?
And SCM wants to put Madoka and Homura in NT2814? Great!
I've been reading recently plenty of crossover stuff with Homura in it. I like this character a lot, maybe because she reminds me a bit of Agent Sergio Turbo
What I can say... the snippet under it was hilarious.
SCM's Badass!Tomoyo and Homura are definitively going to be twins.
And, what's fun is that I was already thinking that those two shared similarities...
Not to mention I recently read a doujin where Mami was sent out camping alone due to a Truth or Dare, or something like that. The other girls were spying on her, and Homura had a camcorder, put to good use thanks to her time-stopping power.
No points for guessing who reminded me of.
It was only a matter of time before they met, they both sneak in enemy bases and build an arsenal out of stole weapons. And never give up.
... Wait, I wanted them to cooperate, dammit!
Well, the 'lucky' thing about that is that Fake-UM can incarnate herself. Somehow. Apparently, Homura going back in time (which she can no longer DO) will make Madoka appear because Madoka's everywhere and everywhen.
Yeah, I don't know either. Plus, since Homura was in a coma-dream, she was probably in a hospital, not in her own house.
...There are so many things wrong with that. o_O
Wha- she- wha?! *Shadow is reduced to incoherent sounds of horrified disbelief, please stand by*
I mean, the author's native language is German, and she DOES apologize for grammar in the summary. But, if the whole thing is a dream formed after the end of Loop One, Homura would have had no idea that humans become witches, or any of the ugly truths of Puella Magidom.
Where is this site?
legolas by laura; "because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".
Lisa Is Pregnant: "You awake. Bart is d'oh."
A Sad Story: "His uncle then pulled out a shotgun, with a silencer on it ..."
Celebrian: "She tipped her head back so it could slide down her throat." (Ow. Literal grammatical interpretations are disturbing.)
And the less-well-known but funny Hetalia fanfic "One night of the drop of rain": "TRANSLATION ERROR said the England in the surprised."
There is no freaking way a shotgun can be silenced!
A silencer is an empty pipe with baffles in it. The baffles slow down the hot gases, muffling the sound and making a sort of "barrier" around the bullet. Anything that isn't a solid bullet such as shotgun shot would actually be caught in the baffles and stopped.
I'm looking at you too, FarCry 2 DLC-only Silenced Shotgun.
I know it's a cliche, but..."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" from my immortal. Mainly because I always get a chuckle from imagining Dumbledore shouting that at the top of his lungs.
I was curious to see what sort of badfic could be found in the Aliens/Predators continuum, a couple of lines that had me giggling are;
'She fell down on her ass and looked up and seen a clear silhouette of one of the creatures. Robin franticly started to scoot back on her behind away from the invisible creature, but she saw as the silhouette bent torts her and grabbed the color of her black sweater'
Yup, the Predator referenced here was sooooooooooo badass that it could steal colours! I'm guessing that would leave Robin's sweater the same colour gray as generic surface.
'It was accustomed for the Royal hosts' of the ceremony to give a speech; one that would fill the people with a greater and lifted morale. As the honorable guests dispersed from the marble canvas, the King motioned for the blazing auroras to be displaced with a brighter such color: flushed, yellow flames. The room was lit with an illuminating atmosphere,'
The idea of 'marble canvas' is a bit of an odd one; I wouldn't have thought that rock would make for a great canvas. And I'm glad that the room was 'lit with an illuminating atmosphere', if it had been lit with a non-illuminating atmosphere everything would have been so much harder to see.
This fic was actually not a troll, and it produced gems such as:
- "May I be informed of a name that beholds you, young one?" The old man asked him kindly. (Insert Beholder joke here.)
- "You were very fond of Bilbo were you not?" Gluin asked with a sly smile. Frodo sighed with happiness. (Unintentional slashy overtones, yay!)
- "You are quite attached to the youngling, father," Arwen noted in amusement. Elrond smiled at his daughter and to Aragorn who sat beside her.
"He is a child of love." (Hippie!Elrond!)
- A hord was being blown. (Worst. Typo. Ever.)
And my personal favorite,
- "Very relieved am I to know you are very much undead mellon-nin."
"Ring Child," everybody. G'night!
~Neshomeh
I haven't even read the books it's (allegedly) based on, but "Starkit's Prophecy" is another one of those ones where every word is misspelled and the dialogue is pure bathos. My favorite:
'"lol" lalueghed TigerStar, "I dont care Im evillll!"'
Admittedly, I mostly just love it 'cause I picture him with this big cheery grin a la Awesome Face.
(Oh, and the Big No the author misspelled into a Big Moo. That was also wonderful.)
I've got to read that now. Especially because the canon character in question was a brilliant villain, but his plots failed because he trusted people to not to betray him. So yes, he failed because he was too honorable and good.
Tigerstar's not good, and he's a backstabbing traitor, but he is brilliant in his plans. He is an excellent fighter, uses good grammar, and does not delight in his evil. And yes, he is trusting (at times), and is far too charismatic to actually roll around in delight cackling how evil he is.
Does the board have a scale of manipulative villain-ness? If not, I suggest milli-Tzeentchs. So where would Tigerstar be? I think 700ish, considering he sparked a war when he was dead, as well as at least two while alive. Plus the few that nearly started, plus almost taking over the Clans, if he had not missed one witness to a murder.
Wait, shouldn't Xanatos be the standard unit? Or at least part of the system, considering he's freaking Xanatos.
Like, one version that measures in milli- and micro- and kilo-Tzeentches, and one that measures in oddly-defined units, like 1 Vetinari = 2 Xanatoses = 12 Moriarties = 48 Palpatines. :)
So older-fashioned agents would use the non-metric, and the newer ones would use the metric.
Who's Tzeentch? :P *newb*
Tzeentch is the Chaos God of change, manipulation, magic, and hope in Warhammer 40K and Warhammer Fantasy. Quoth TVtropes:
"Tzeentch will die if any of his myriad plans succeed, thus every one of his plans will fail because he sabotages them, and he has several plans that run completely contrary to his other plans by design (though, of course, not as the end). This is the real measure of his chessmastery skills, the fact that he has millions of these running, most extremely complex and many spanning centuries, and not one of them succeed even by accident because he is that damn good."
But then we'd have to find a conversion factor. Still, good idea.
That is impressive. Even Palpatine only really managed one (not counting the rebellion against him).
(And I agree on milli-Tzeentchs; he/she/it's the god of manipulative-villain-hood, after all.)
Milli-Palpatines, milli-Shylocks, milli-Sarumans, or milli-Moriarties. Or milli-Grand-Viziers.
I like the ideas, but I'm now leaning toward milli-Vetinaris. Especially after Men at Arms.
He's just a Magnificent Bastard. There's a difference.
If anything, judging from the later books in particular Vetinari's kind of heroic at times, and never actually villainous.
what do you mean I'm biased because he's one of my favourites
IN that I don't think he's a villain, and he's one of my *ahem* L.O.s, but...
He just wants what's best for the city. Yes, he's willing to do all MANNER of awful things to protect it... but he's more of an antihero than a straight up villain.
He's not just an antihero, I think he's also an antivillain (e.g. the evil dictator) and, well, it's complicated. I don't think anybody on the Disc is really sure who's side he's on.
Actually, he's on Ankh-Morpork's side. He does stuff, no matter how much it is considered wrong by others, for the city. And he runs the city very well, and has no adjective behind his name. However, this does not say much else about who's side he's on.
Also, Vetinari is Vimes's age, that is to say late forties to early fifties. I deducted this from Night watch, where it states that Sam is 16 while Vetinari is a teenager. But Vetinari's age is besides the point.
It just happens that Vetinari's side is also Ankh-Morpork's side.
Is it ITS MY LIFE! or sarah in aperture?
My favorite will probably always be "and Lupin was masticating to it!" (or however she spells it) from MI. Because I picture Lupin munching on some tasty jerky. XD Or "pointing his womb."
NO WAIT.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis."
That one. Because of someone's comic. His face was most silly.
...whose Intel report is coming soon.
I have her on alert. I have never laughed so hard at a sex scene. XD
MI is do damn quotable, especially with the comic.
Other than that, yeah, the dead pants sure belong to my favorites.
I'd have to say that my favorite badfic quote would have to be this little gem from "legolas by laura":
"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die"
I laugh every time I think of that line.
You just find some woodsand, put the baby in, and leave it to die.
Ahhhh, the PPC is made of cynicism and winning.
"'ready s4t go!' kakakakahi yelled den ran off hiz man boobs jiggling."
"Bugger your Darkmeal, faggart of a thousand suns."
Dumblecop sniffed.
"And what of it? Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles."
It's that last phrase, "skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles," that always gets me. It's almost a normal conversation, and then suddenly, the trollthor starts trying way too hard.
"Adette can't bear children." I admitted quietly, offering a sad smile to the Hobbits. They looked deeply saddened by what I had told them. "She was…raped by an orc during our first year of marriage. He destroyed her womb."
HE DESTROYED HER WOMB!
And it's even worse in context because the author means exactly what we think it means.
I will always have a soft spot for "The pants were dead!"
Also pretty much half of the dialogue in My Immortal, such as "Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!" Seriously, I can't get through the Funny/MyImmortal page on TV Tropes late at night because I'm always afraid I'll wake up my roommates.
"NOOOOO! I MUST FARSTER!"
"I will have to use stealth instead" said L and jumped in the broken window screaming.
And this little gem (warning, NSFW/NSFB):
'It was the early morning and Light and Dark were in bed together but only because there parents were to poor to get separate rooms its not like their gay or anything! Light came all over the bed from the window of the room. Dark reached round and grabbed the cock from the table. It was seven oclock.'
An Sherlock brokened door becuse nocking would alert THE CRIMINAL!"
Also, from the same fic: "Good jub guys!" Say King an givesd them key to da city of Englond.
Just... so much wrong in one sentence.
They did not. They did not write trollfic of Sherlock Holmes.
...Vernet is going to have WORDS with them.
A parent's reaction after hearing that his daughter killed a fellow student by burning him to death:
"You are not allowed to play the Legend of Zelda games EVER again! Do I make myself clear?"
...
I am somehow underwhelmed by the magnitude of the punishment. I don't understand why.