Subject: Brace yourselves. Concrit is coming.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-01-21 05:49:00 UTC
First off, I really like how you handled the shifts from prose to script and back. Good job on that.
I have to say, however, that I did not really like the mission. There were several problems:
1) Almost everyone is a character replacement. While I agree that Tails definitely was a replacement, there was no evidence that Sephiroth was, except for the CAD saying it. Viper's altered backstory was also not enough to make her a replacement, in my opinion. I don't know about Shifu, as I am not familiar with the character, but I would guess that he was also not a replacement, just very out of character.
A replacement has to have more than just superficial changes. Like Tails. He had uncanonical powers, was out of his world, answered to his given name (which, I seem to recall, he hates) rather than his preferred nickname, and bore no resemblance to his original characterization. He was a replacement.
1.5) Why kill three replacements, but neuralyze the fourth? Whatever the method, keep it consistent.
2) Some of your grammar is off. For instance "When the shift ended, Florestan found himself leaning against a nearby house as he shook his head." That is a very awkward sentence. We don't need to be told that the house is nearby; it would have to be if he is leaning on it. How is it that he found himself doing these things? Did he not know that he had leaned against a house? It would be better written as "When the shift ended, Florestan leaned against a house and shook his head."
This is not the only example, it is just the one that came most readily to mind.
2.5) Never use the term "soon after" ever again, please. You are trying too hard to tell us the order of events, when the narrative already does that for you. "He opened the bottle and took a swig of the Bleepto-dismal soon after." That is a clear example. The order of events is clear from the sentence, making the "soon after" redundant.
Also, you used "soon after" eight times in thirteen pages. That includes where you used it twice in one sentence. "Both agents closed their eyes soon after, with Florestan activating the neuralyzer soon after."
3) The assassination was anti-climactic. It just kind of happened. Tails stood there while they read the charges, Eusabius pulls out the pikestaff, and then Tails is dead. Why didn't he fight back? He has shown that he is not afraid to kill people without a second thought. I think that this was a major missed opportunity.
4) That's it for my specific notes on problems.
Like I said earlier, the way you handled the shifts was excellent. I would also add that you did a good job of explaining why Viper's new backstory was so wrong. I don't know anything about Kung Fu Panda, so I had no way of knowing that they had completely reversed her backstory. I didn't feel lost at all in regards to what was happening in that continuum.
If you want to talk in-depth about anything that I've mentioned, you can feel free to email me at the address listed on my Wiki page.
-Phobos