Since I haven't seen you post on the board for over a month, for one, and for two, while I did consult someone who says you've been a recent regular in the chatroom, I haven't been in there for a few weeks and didn't notice you in there very much before I stopped. Due to this, I can't make any calls based on your activity, and I won't, though personally I'd suggest hanging around and posting on the board more often a well. Everyone can see who's been active on the board. Can't do the same with the chatroom.

To cut to the short, I won't be granting or not granting permission over this piece, since I don't know what your actual recent activity's been like.

That said, I'm going to be giving a bit of concrit on the characters as presented and the piece overall, so give me a moment.

Going over Percy, you say he's from a world you wrote which had genetic manipulation be the be-all end-all to the point of the species becoming post-human, with diseases coming from it, and this- a disease- is why Percy looks such an oddball. This is fine. However, his condition- whatever it is- is stabilized. We don't know what this means. Why is this being brought up? Do you intend for him to have some sort of flareup from the whatever-it-is in the future? If it is an actual concern for him, emotionally or mentally, we don't know. There's nothing that suggests its presence as an issue- we don't even know what the disease does or did in the past!- or as something beyond just 'Oh! He's these colors because of a disease.'

If it's for the sake of his unique appearance, and it would not have anything else, you already have a built-in thing right there with the genetic manipulation already present in his background. Adding on the detail of a disease does nothing if it has no effect on him otherwise.

Out of curiosity, the genetic manipulation present in this story, was it of the 'Designer baby' type, or the 'we can modify your genes and make you an entirely new you within a short period of time' sort?

That said, the fact that he is actually smart- rather than being dumb as a brick- and prefers to take life as it comes is a nice touch, because usually people put 'oblivious' and 'stupid' in the same grouping, or that the 'oblivious' act is to hide sheer cunning or other occasionally unsavory traits.

I'll touch on his relationship with Vorce in a bit.

As to Vorce, you're telling us he was created explicitly to be Percy's friend and a voice of reason- so this means he is from the same story/world, correct? If this is indeed the case, why is he being beaten up by a bunch of boys because they think his ears are 'girly'? The future in which this story is supposed to take place in is far from our own. If genetic manipulation is indeed such a craze, and one that's continued for a long period of time, they would not have the same values as far as appearance goes, for 'normal', 'masculine', 'feminine' and so on. If genetic manipulation can occur, those other boys could be just as varied in appearance as Vorce and Percy, and would be used to it in everyone around them. Vorce would be just another boy, not one that is unique enough to warrant being beat up.

Moving on, you say that his personality is based on being either grumpy or angry (and quick to rise to it). You've also mentioned once before in Percy's section that Vorce was a bit character and beginning to disappear when the whole story collapsed.

This contradicts a few other things you've said. If he was created explicitly to be Percy's friend and voice of reason, that is not a 'bit' role. That is a secondary role to the protagonist, and often enough is also considered a main character position, especially if his role in the story was being rescued by Percy and becoming his friend due to this- and one near enough to become the voice of reason. That sort of role isn't a minor one in a story, nor is it one that is assigned to a bit or distant character.

This ties into a rather large issue I see with the pair.

The dominant side of the relationship is, given the information you've told us here, entirely on Percy's side. Percy saved Vorce, Percy offered to be friends with the guy he just saved from being beaten up, Percy saved Vorce again, Percy kinda ignores things until he really has to actually pay attention.

Vorce's role is sidekick. Vorce is the voice of reason- to someone who usually ignores things to just enjoy what's coming, better or worse.

But they're best friends. Are they, really, or is this you just following through with the roles you gave them for that previous story? What do they have in common beyond being sole survivors of that story? Beyond Percy repeatedly saving Vorce's bacon? What does being the voice of reason really do in return for someone who is so easy going and generally acts oblivious? There is a huge power imbalance in their dynamic with what you've presented us with. In terms of 'give and take' this isn't equal. Vorce is completely dependant on Percy in this relationship. You even state that Vorce feels like he owes his life to Percy to the point that he's repaying it with loyalty.




On the subject of your story: Given the amount of beta readers you credited at the beginning of it, there are more than a few minor errors scattered throughout the story- I see tense shifts within the narration, and missing or wrong punctuation, and letters that shouldn't be capitalized but are.

For example, with the tense shifts:

'At this point some people may have begun to wonder why Percy had seemingly allowed his friend to be accosted by a horny, half-naked stranger. The answer is simple; he lived in his own world, of which was currently centered on getting something to eat. That and he felt that Vorce needed a little something to help him relax; he’s just that nice a friend(Read as misguided).'

You switch between past and present a few times with just this one portion.

You also have a very hapazard usage of commas throughout the story. When someone is being addressed, a comma is placed before or after their name in accordance to the sentence order. Two examples of this done properly: 'Sure thing, Marquis!', or 'July, what the heck are you doing?'

Additionally, you show no signs of them knowing who the Marquis de Sod is, or him introducing himself (or any indication that they would know what he is called), but you refer to the Marquis by name in the narration. You do the same with Luxury. Referring to characters by name when the characters you are following do not know them is confusing for the reader. As a general rule, you don't do that due to point of view. Which here, is mostly limited third person point of view, following one person at a time (with occasional interjections of omniscience).

Beyond that, it's clear you did do background reading to ensure you know what's the what, and your pacing is decent, as is your sense of humor and timing.