Subject: Whoa.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-01-20 00:44:00 UTC
Once more I am astounded at your powers for minute yet truthfully helpful criticism.
On a side note...just curious, how many people apply for permission per month?
I'm back again to ask for permission, hopefully this time I've improved enough to get it. So here we go :D
Name: Percy
Age:17
Height: 6’4”
Species: Humanish
Home Continuum: Original story
Lust Objects: Master Chief, Tali (list ongoing)
Department: Department of Floaters
Fandoms: Spyro the Dragon, Halo, Mass Effect, AVP, Adventure Time, MLP, Fallout, Elder Scrolls (so far)
Percy was a character from an original story that was scrapped in its early stages. In his home continuum, humans had decided that genetic manipulation was the next big social craze(right up there next to facebook and skinny jeans). Due to this, future generations were born with these modified traits, leading to the whole human race becoming not so human. With these changes came diseases, one of which affected Percy since he was born and would later be the catalyst in his unique appearance. His condition is also still active, it is just stabilized. He is a relaxed and generally outgoing person and instead of getting angry, he just gets pitiful and whiny. Unless, he is pushed to breaking point.
He chooses to be purposely oblivious as he believes the world is far more exciting when you can’t see it coming. This has led to a few arguments with his partner and best friend, Vorce. He is also fairly intelligent in areas that he enjoys and is not stupid, even if he acts like it. He found his way to the PPC after his word world began collapsing around him, as he was the main character in the story, from a lack of storyline and plot. After rescuing Vorce, who, being a bit character had begun to fade along with the story, fled through a newly opened plot-hole. After stumbling through the muiltiverse and several badfics, they fell into HQ where they were initially separated until meeting once again at the office of the Marquis De Sod.
Name: Vorce
Age:17
Height: 5’6”
Species: Humanish/Bunnyboy
Home continuum: Original story
Lust Objects: Unknown
Department: Department of Floaters
Fandoms: Mass Effect, Discworld, JSRF, MLP, Oddworld(so far)
Vorce was a character in an original story that was created to be Percy’s friend and voice of reason. However, he was given very little personality beyond being grumpy or easily angered, this means he is constantly one of these two until his personality properly develops, he is slowly improving. He met Percy when being attacked by a group of boys for his appearance, as they saw his ears as girly and stupid. Percy stepped in and gladly took the punishment. Surprised by the strange boy’s actions, Vorce accepted his of friendship. When the story began to collapse, Vorce being a bit character began to fade, Percy rescued him from his fate and they fled into a plot-hole. The sensation of fading haunts him too this day.
He is a grumpy individual that is desperate for change in his personality. This leads to frustration when he gets angry at the people he cares about for no reason other than he can’t help it. He is a genuinely caring person, he just can’t show it. Feels he owes Percy his life, so is fiercely loyal to him. He also respects authority even if he doesn’t agree or like them, this won’t stop him from breaking rules if his friends are involved.
Writing Sample: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Es4GMzqhKAFlKGOy3ZBHmx1AQ6RISAbelpjFIJKJr0/edit?hl=enGB&pli=1
Agents: http://amplitudethewolf.deviantart.com/art/Oh-God-they-re-back-271630007
Mission fic:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7462621/1/Noble_Revival
Since I haven't seen you post on the board for over a month, for one, and for two, while I did consult someone who says you've been a recent regular in the chatroom, I haven't been in there for a few weeks and didn't notice you in there very much before I stopped. Due to this, I can't make any calls based on your activity, and I won't, though personally I'd suggest hanging around and posting on the board more often a well. Everyone can see who's been active on the board. Can't do the same with the chatroom.
To cut to the short, I won't be granting or not granting permission over this piece, since I don't know what your actual recent activity's been like.
That said, I'm going to be giving a bit of concrit on the characters as presented and the piece overall, so give me a moment.
Going over Percy, you say he's from a world you wrote which had genetic manipulation be the be-all end-all to the point of the species becoming post-human, with diseases coming from it, and this- a disease- is why Percy looks such an oddball. This is fine. However, his condition- whatever it is- is stabilized. We don't know what this means. Why is this being brought up? Do you intend for him to have some sort of flareup from the whatever-it-is in the future? If it is an actual concern for him, emotionally or mentally, we don't know. There's nothing that suggests its presence as an issue- we don't even know what the disease does or did in the past!- or as something beyond just 'Oh! He's these colors because of a disease.'
If it's for the sake of his unique appearance, and it would not have anything else, you already have a built-in thing right there with the genetic manipulation already present in his background. Adding on the detail of a disease does nothing if it has no effect on him otherwise.
Out of curiosity, the genetic manipulation present in this story, was it of the 'Designer baby' type, or the 'we can modify your genes and make you an entirely new you within a short period of time' sort?
That said, the fact that he is actually smart- rather than being dumb as a brick- and prefers to take life as it comes is a nice touch, because usually people put 'oblivious' and 'stupid' in the same grouping, or that the 'oblivious' act is to hide sheer cunning or other occasionally unsavory traits.
I'll touch on his relationship with Vorce in a bit.
As to Vorce, you're telling us he was created explicitly to be Percy's friend and a voice of reason- so this means he is from the same story/world, correct? If this is indeed the case, why is he being beaten up by a bunch of boys because they think his ears are 'girly'? The future in which this story is supposed to take place in is far from our own. If genetic manipulation is indeed such a craze, and one that's continued for a long period of time, they would not have the same values as far as appearance goes, for 'normal', 'masculine', 'feminine' and so on. If genetic manipulation can occur, those other boys could be just as varied in appearance as Vorce and Percy, and would be used to it in everyone around them. Vorce would be just another boy, not one that is unique enough to warrant being beat up.
Moving on, you say that his personality is based on being either grumpy or angry (and quick to rise to it). You've also mentioned once before in Percy's section that Vorce was a bit character and beginning to disappear when the whole story collapsed.
This contradicts a few other things you've said. If he was created explicitly to be Percy's friend and voice of reason, that is not a 'bit' role. That is a secondary role to the protagonist, and often enough is also considered a main character position, especially if his role in the story was being rescued by Percy and becoming his friend due to this- and one near enough to become the voice of reason. That sort of role isn't a minor one in a story, nor is it one that is assigned to a bit or distant character.
This ties into a rather large issue I see with the pair.
The dominant side of the relationship is, given the information you've told us here, entirely on Percy's side. Percy saved Vorce, Percy offered to be friends with the guy he just saved from being beaten up, Percy saved Vorce again, Percy kinda ignores things until he really has to actually pay attention.
Vorce's role is sidekick. Vorce is the voice of reason- to someone who usually ignores things to just enjoy what's coming, better or worse.
But they're best friends. Are they, really, or is this you just following through with the roles you gave them for that previous story? What do they have in common beyond being sole survivors of that story? Beyond Percy repeatedly saving Vorce's bacon? What does being the voice of reason really do in return for someone who is so easy going and generally acts oblivious? There is a huge power imbalance in their dynamic with what you've presented us with. In terms of 'give and take' this isn't equal. Vorce is completely dependant on Percy in this relationship. You even state that Vorce feels like he owes his life to Percy to the point that he's repaying it with loyalty.
On the subject of your story: Given the amount of beta readers you credited at the beginning of it, there are more than a few minor errors scattered throughout the story- I see tense shifts within the narration, and missing or wrong punctuation, and letters that shouldn't be capitalized but are.
For example, with the tense shifts:
'At this point some people may have begun to wonder why Percy had seemingly allowed his friend to be accosted by a horny, half-naked stranger. The answer is simple; he lived in his own world, of which was currently centered on getting something to eat. That and he felt that Vorce needed a little something to help him relax; he’s just that nice a friend(Read as misguided).'
You switch between past and present a few times with just this one portion.
You also have a very hapazard usage of commas throughout the story. When someone is being addressed, a comma is placed before or after their name in accordance to the sentence order. Two examples of this done properly: 'Sure thing, Marquis!', or 'July, what the heck are you doing?'
Additionally, you show no signs of them knowing who the Marquis de Sod is, or him introducing himself (or any indication that they would know what he is called), but you refer to the Marquis by name in the narration. You do the same with Luxury. Referring to characters by name when the characters you are following do not know them is confusing for the reader. As a general rule, you don't do that due to point of view. Which here, is mostly limited third person point of view, following one person at a time (with occasional interjections of omniscience).
Beyond that, it's clear you did do background reading to ensure you know what's the what, and your pacing is decent, as is your sense of humor and timing.
Once more I am astounded at your powers for minute yet truthfully helpful criticism.
On a side note...just curious, how many people apply for permission per month?
In the order you brought them up, or clarify anything. I planned on being active on the board originally, but in the end I never really saw anything that I felt I had the need to comment on. I can try to be more active if need be, but I think it's pointless to post for postings sake. Thank you for not shooting down my request for that reason though.
On to Percy. After reading over the bio again, I agree that the stabilized comment is out of place. I brought up the point of his disease as it will be a plot point later. The reason I didn't discuss the disease anymore than this was for two reasons. The first being that I didn't want to drag the bio out since the wiki page said to keep it short. And second, that I wanted to have something in his past to work with that the reader was unsure of. Giving away all the imformation would make that point moot. If necessary I could tell you this information, but I would rather not.
The genetic manipulation is the second one, It would have been like going out and buying new clothes. Sorry for not clarifying that.
With Vorce, I will have to delve into some of the basic backstory of the world. Percy is a unique case even in his world. While the genetic manipulation was world wide, it wasn't super extensive. People stayed humanoid in appearance and didn't change too drastically. For example, every never had more or less than your basic limbs, aside from wings,tails and other such things,. The modifications could also be split into 2 basic categories, aesthetic and physical(the boys were of the physical type, hence the attack). Both of these groups have what could amount to a sense of racism against each other,this coupled with a group of teens egging each other on led to the situation.
On to the idea of Vorce being a bit character. I might have exaggerated the idea slightly, he is however a very flat character to begin with, because of this it felt easier to explain with the term bit-character. He literally had a nothing but a sentence of personality and a picture.
The story, however, never made it as far as that, and in their world's timeline they would have fled throught the plothole a month or so after meeting.
The relationship between Percy and Vorce is similar to how to see it, but a few key things are missing from the story. I'll explain these for clarity. Percy is the dominant side of the relationship,for the simple reason Vorce doesn't currently have the personality to make too many of these decisions. This, is something I planned to remedy over time throughout missions and interludes,with Vorce slowly becoming a more dominant character on his own.
Vorce's role in the original story was a sidekick role, the story wasdropped before he could develop. I could have easily fixed this before using him as an agent, but I felt the whole idea would make an interesting plot element. I kept him that way for that reason.
That leads into your next point,yes they are partially playing out their roles. However, they did spend time falling through the multiverse and in that time they became closer, they only had each other to rely on. Also, Vorce has saved Percy, just as many times as Percy saved him.
Now, Percy's main reason for so quickly stepping up to become Vorce's friend was because of his disease, its symptoms meant Percy had very few friends growing up, and after his operation, it was just as hard, but for different reasons. He suffered, and choseto step in to stop someone elses. To be honest, Percy probably relies on Vorce more than Vorce relies on him.
With the SPaG, thank you for pointing out the problem with the names, I will fix that when I get a chance. And I am already working on the general punctuation problems,as my betas pointed that out too.
All in all, I hope this cleared up some things related to my characters,and if you have anymore questions relating to them, Don't be afraid to ask. Also sorry if there are any mistakes in this, I didn't have the time to read over it :)