I think you shuck corn, actually.

Subject: I think you shuck corn, actually.
Author: Neshomeh
Posted on: 2013-05-31 15:46:00 UTC

Or crack it, or pop it if you're feeling really adventurous and have some oil and salt handy.

~Neshomeh

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Sludge from the Pit by Bausiren on 2013-05-29 21:29:00 UTC Reply

On a recent trawl/trolling visit, I dredged up several rather appalling 'stories', here presented for your-well, approval might be too strong a word. My computer is acting up and refusing to do links, so I'm afraid you'll have to resort to copy/paste.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9328749/1/The-truth-about-Smaug-the-terrible

This one is actually fairly well written, if it weren't for the Sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9333202/1/Lady-of-the-Flame

And...I'm really hoping this one is a troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9333202/1/Lady-of-the-Flame

Hijacking this thread to post some Circle Star Trek fics. by AelinTheAmazing on 2013-05-30 05:09:00 UTC Reply

Seeing the pon farr discussion made me look up some Star Trek fics on the Circle of Lemmings. The results were worse than I'd been expecting. I should lower my expectations.

http://www.quotev.com/story/3181091/Light-With-You-Star-Trek-fan-fic
An annoying Kirk's Daughter!Sue joins the Enterprise crew.

http://www.quotev.com/story/3184400/The-Khan-Man/
Kirk's little sister, McCoy's assistant, and Chekov's Twu Wuv helps fight terrorists. Also including a Suethor's horrible attempts at Chekov's accent.

Oh, and a LOTR fic. With the first-ever fox demon Sue, different-colored text, awful grammar, and rampant line-stealing.
http://www.quotev.com/story/2985838/The-last-witch-of-middle-earth/

Ahh! Why are they speaking in different colors?! (nm) by Lynne Lloyd on 2013-05-30 20:52:00 UTC Reply
*winces* by hermione of vulcan on 2013-05-30 17:22:00 UTC Reply

Chekov's accent...Brings back bad memories of my early fanfic writing attempts. I have a friend who's a Chekov fangirl, and I wrote her a story as a gift. (I have since deleted it off of the Pit.)

But ow ow ow. Lily runs a Tumblr blog for Quotev Sues, maybe I'll spork this one.

I have another one! by Outhra on 2013-05-30 21:06:00 UTC Reply

I know, I know, all Circle Sues are already awful, but this one just... I don't even.

Offenses include creation of "anti-blood", creation of a race of ridiculously unsubtle antagonists that are named after a candy company and can use the Force, causing Data to use text-speech and Worf to use nicknames, and, well, just read it.

I cannot stop laughing at "anti-blood", though. They treat it like it's some sort of medical substance, but that name... is it like some sort of anti-matter that only reacts when it's bled on? That would make it the worst medical supplement ever!

Doctor: No, why did you bring in the anti-blood!
Assistant: But... it's for medical purposes.
Doctor: Not here it isn't! No, no, she's bleeding all over it!
(room explodes)

Okay, that wasn't very funny, but it's hard for me to come up with something to say when I can't stop laughing at what I'm trying to make fun of.

I thought it might be the name of some sort of organization. by AelinTheAmazing on 2013-05-31 03:39:00 UTC Reply

"We are the Anti-Blood Society, and we are against all living things possessing blood! We must drain the world of its blood and make it pure!"

That made them sound sort of like vampires. Oh, well.

And what's with all the Doctor Who/Star Trek crossover pictures? The fic has nothing to do with Doctor Who! Does not compute!

Aside from that, in the last chapter, and I quote:

"Oh thanks" Data shocked

So, how does one shock? It's easy to get shocked, but the only thing I can think of for "shock" other than that is... shocking corn. Which is not, as far as I can tell, what the author meant, because corn is most likely not available on the Enterprise.

I think you shuck corn, actually. by Neshomeh on 2013-05-31 15:46:00 UTC Reply

Or crack it, or pop it if you're feeling really adventurous and have some oil and salt handy.

~Neshomeh
Are they recruiting? by Ugolino on 2013-05-31 12:12:00 UTC Reply

I'm pretty sure you'd find someone willing to sign up for that society in HQ.

They are now. by AelinTheAmazing on 2013-05-31 15:30:00 UTC Reply

Feel free to sign people up. (I may put an agent in the Anti-Blood Society if/when I get Permission. Hmm.)

Electricity, of course. by Huinesoron on 2013-05-31 10:33:00 UTC Reply

Data, being Data, undoubtedly knows Morse Code (obsolete though it is); he simply found a loose electrical cable, jammed one end onto the other person's skin, and flicked the power on and off to signal --- .... - .... .- -. -.- ...

hS (or ....... if you prefer)

*headdesk* by hermione of vulcan on 2013-05-31 01:15:00 UTC Reply

Not another Data luster. Not another one.

You see, when I first discovered I was a Data luster, I thought I was completely alone, that it was probably some incredibly strange fetish or something. Y'know, he's an android. Not all that physically attractive or anything. Not a magnet for fangirls.

I went online, and found that that was completely not the case. And for a while, I was happy.

Until I saw this. It was the first Suefic I'd ever read.

And I vowed death upon Mary Sues, and hatred for Data lusting Sues, because they make no effing sense. His attractive qualities are in his personality, so if you make him OOC or character replace him, you completely ignore his ENTIRE appeal. At least with OOC!Legolas he's still pretty. Data lusters, I just don't understand.

Although, in a way, I have to thank the Data/OC fics. I wouldn't have found the PPC if I hadn't developed my hatred of Sues that way, and I probably wouldn't have written as much fanfiction if I didn't see a dire need for non-Sue Data fanfiction. There was a point when you could filter through Data on FFN and you'd either get Suefics or my fics. (Not anymore, it's all Data/Yar. As if that's any better.)

Long story short: I have seen this before, and it still depresses me.
Look at all those in-fic capitalisation errors, too... by Cyba Zero on 2013-05-30 22:35:00 UTC Reply

I detect a lot of random people wandering around, such as Mr 'Everyone Was'. Ow.

So, I read through that first fic, and I have some comments. by DawnFire on 2013-05-30 10:56:00 UTC Reply

And concerns. Definitely concerns.

Begin transcribing...now.

Alright. So this 'Jenifer' character says she's sixteen, and that Kirk adopted her (!!!) when she was ten.

16-10=6
Therefore, she was adopted six years ago.

James T. Kirk was born in 2233, and the Battle of Vulcan--which is when this fic starts, more or less--was in 2258.

2258-2233=25
Therefore, Jim Kirk is twenty-five years old in this fic.
Furthermore:
25-6=19
Therefore, Jim was nineteen years old when he adopted Jenifer.

Please explain to me why Jim Kirk would adopt a ten-year-old kid when he was nineteen. Then, please tell me who let him do it (specifically, which court of law). Genius-level repeat offender, remember? He's not responsible! No version of Jim Kirk at nineteen is particularly responsible! No, not even the TOS version! He's not responsible, and you can't have him adopt a ten-year-old kid at nineteen, because he would be proven unfit for guardianship pretty quickly, he still lives with his mom (presumably, and more or less, since she's probably off-planet), and I don't see why he'd suddenly want to take responsibility for a ten-year-old (not that we're given a reason...)! This is insane.

(Why yes, I was able to do those calculations from memory. The only thing I didn't remember was the dates, but when I looked them up, it turned out I had him at the right age. Isn't memory wonderful?)

Also, Spock is ridiculously OOC after only a few lines (I may have yelled 'character rupture' and face-Kindled when I read it. It's probably more along the lines of possession, though...probably). And Uhura would NOT say that the adoption, and I quote, "makes total sense". Not EVER.

And, one thing more (which is actually kind of hilarious, if you can get past the utter stupidity):

HE'S. NOT. A. CAPTAIN. YET. HE. IS. A. CADET!

Jim Kirk, that is. As in, someone calls him 'Captain Kirk' in the scene where he's trying to warn Pike about the Romulan ambush. It's hilarious, it's painful, it's...well, it's wrong. And that's where I'll stop, before I start ranting.

Seriously, fic? Seriously? You expect me to believe that a nineteen-year-old Jim Kirk not only wanted to adopt a ten-year-old but was allowed to? You expect me to believe that Spock is suddenly showing all sorts of emotion and is overly fond of the Sue? You expect me to believe that Jenifer would quote Jim's lines to Uhura exactly, and that she wouldn't find this weird and start backing away? You expect me to believe that they let a sixteen-year-old who, by her own admission, is the complete opposite of her 'dad', which implies that she's nowhere near genius level?? And not only that, but she abandons her post? And goes to something called Junior Starfleet? Seriously?

As I seem to remember being said on Deleterius, FIRST!

~DF

(Wow, I really shouldn't let Agent Dawn at bad Star Trek fanfics. On the other hand, I probably really should. She'll go insane, but it'll probably be worth it, and, well, she's insane anyway, and bleeproducts will fix up the excess insanity. I hope.)
JENIFER LILY KIRK ahahaha! Lily, you might want... by DawnFire on 2013-05-30 09:30:00 UTC Reply

...to take a look at the Kirk's daughter one. Seriously, switch 'Kirk' for 'Winterwood', and she couldn't have used too many more of your names if she'd tried.

I should probably actually look at the fic proper now. But oh, that was quite the surprise. Not sure why people keep naming Jim's extra female relatives Jennifer, though. I mean, yeah, it does kind of work, but...I'm kind of just trying not to quote Hercules now. And it does get pretty annoying when they all get named that. And- oh, fine, I suppose I can't very well complain about his brother being ignored outside of TOS. But I'm still thinking it.

~DF

After watching the Trek Reboot movies, I went Pit-diving. by Lily Winterwood on 2013-05-30 03:56:00 UTC Reply

I found a strange depiction of a Vulcan pon farr that I think has character replaced Spock in pon farr, which is rather astounding.

The question is, if I send in Agents after it, what's the protocol for dealing with a Vulcan that gets character replaced after entering pon farr?

Search for Spock? (nm) by Ugolino on 2013-05-30 04:12:00 UTC Reply

*chuckles* by hermione of vulcan on 2013-05-31 01:16:00 UTC Reply

Clever.
Yes, but then what? by Lily Winterwood on 2013-05-30 04:16:00 UTC Reply

If he's character replaced after entering pon farr does it mean that he'd be in pon farr /and/ in a plothole?

And if that's so, does that mean the unlucky agent either fights Spock to the death or mates with him? (Or try to get him to ride it out through meditation?)

A couple possible solutions. by Neshomeh on 2013-05-30 04:38:00 UTC Reply
1. He's possessed, not replaced. Exorcise him and he'll be fine—not that it'll be an easy task. Powers help the agents if the wraith transfers to one of them!
  
  2. The fight to the death really only needs to be a fight to the sufficiently convincing fake death. It worked for Kirk in TOS, it should work for a clever pair of agents. One of them might have to take a bit of a beating, though. >.>
  
  I'm sure there are other possibilities, but those make sense to me, and I'd personally go with the first one. Also, it might be worthwhile to have someone from the Department of Bad Parody second whoever's assigned to this one, since it's apparently a humor fic and deliberately gets pon farr wrong for the lulz.
  
  ~Neshomeh

Are there Department of Bad Parody agents out there? by Lily Winterwood on 2013-05-30 05:29:00 UTC Reply

Aside from the ones in the Troll Division, that is. I haven't seen any other DBP agents.

I'm tempted to send the Captain Jack Harkness replacement that DawnFire and I recruited in a still-being-worked-on mission into the fic (it'd be set after his recruitment and a couple training missions, obviously). Mostly because he could probably stand a promiscuous!Spock, and he could pull off the sufficiently convincing fake death if needed.

And if it does go down the mating route, it'd still be right up his alley.

There could be. by Neshomeh on 2013-05-31 15:57:00 UTC Reply

Especially if you made some. I sorta got the impression that you like making minor characters in various departments. Of course, if you don't want to be solely responsible for the care and feeding of them, you can always make them free to use. {= )

I'll just go on record as being uncomfortable with agents getting it on with canon characters whatever the circumstances, but especially considering the dubiously consensual nature of pon farr. It'd be sort of like taking advantage of him, wouldn't it? I have to think that's at least partly why Vulcans try to arrange these things ahead of time, so everyone can properly agree to it. Yes, technically it would be saving his life, but it would be hard to justify that when the readers know the nature of the PPC allows for other options.

I don't know if the Harkness clone letting Spock beat him to death is much less unpleasant, even if he will come back afterwards. >.
~Neshomeh

Yeah, I got one. by Lily Winterwood on 2013-05-31 16:04:00 UTC Reply

And I can see where you're coming from there, but I still think that Jacques would be one the better agents for the job just because, as a Harkness clone, he can take sex or dying.

I guess you could say by Ugolino on 2013-05-29 23:18:00 UTC Reply

that the "Goblin king" lost his head.

Maybe the first Suethor's actually read the book and based their fic on the paragraph about goblins making no beautiful things, but many clever ones? I know that I'm grasping at straws here.
I don't know if you noticed this. by AelinTheAmazing on 2013-05-29 23:11:00 UTC Reply

But the link to the third story is the same as the second...? Which, as you say, is decent aside from the Sue.

But the Smaug one is truly a mess. I want to kill it. Ah, someday. *cackles maniacally*
Interesting. by Neshomeh on 2013-05-29 23:07:00 UTC Reply

"Lady of the Flame," that is. There's a quite interesting author's note at the end. It looks like she's changed the story from an earlier version, where the OC was called "Firehart" and she bamfed into Middle-earth. This new one is actually better, by the sound of it, and she is still looking for concrit.

I think I'll go give her some.

~Neshomeh, who notes that there's another badfic thread just two below this one, and that the third link is the same as the second.

Update: A positive response! by Neshomeh on 2013-05-30 03:54:00 UTC Reply

Angelamber77 is definitely receptive to concrit. I left a rather long review, and she thanked me for it and said she'd take at least some of my advice in the future. I call that a good start. {= )

~Neshomeh

Or not by Bausiren on 2013-05-29 21:29:00 UTC Reply

Never mind about the links...silly laptop.