Yeah, it's not that good, I had to beat some of the rhymes into line with a wrench. I tried to filk 'Silent Night' and 'O Christmas Tree' because I hate them, but it didn't work. I tried to filk one of the only Christmas songs I do like, Paul Kelly's 'How to Make Gravy' but that one was too hard, so I resorted to the only other one I can think of that I like. The entire song's from the Sue's point of view, BTW, and her love is Legolas. (I don't even know why I did a LoTR Sue).

'Fairytale of Mirkwood', sung to the tune of The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl's 'Fairytale of New York'

It was Christmas Eve, babe
On the hillside
An agent said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
‘How to Kill Sues’
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

I was a lucky one
I played my cards right
I've got a feeling
My luck’s just run out
So Happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
But not without you

I’ve got eyes big as pies
You’ve got rivers of gold
And I get what I want
There’s no place for the old
When I first took you, love
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Mirkwood was waiting for me

You were handsome
I was pretty
Queen of Mirkwood City
When I finished singing
They howled out for more
Thranduil was swinging
And the Fellowship were singing
We kissed at the castle
Then loved through the night

The boys of the old Mirkwood choir
Were singing "Born This Way”
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a fool, I’m a punk
You know nothing of funk
Standing there with eyes glazed, so totally fazed
You scumbag, you traitor
I’ll not see you later
For Christmas is past,
And I know it’s my last

The boys of the old Mirkwood choir
Aren’t singing "Born This Way"
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day

I know I was someone
And not just anyone
I knew my dreams complete
When I first found you
I want to see them on
I want to have you back
I don’t want to die
But this Agent says I must

The agents of the PPC
Now singing ‘Kill the Sue’
And babe, there's no more time
For me and you

It's not great, but ah well. This was fun.

"Here Comes Mary-Sue" (to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus")

Here comes Mary-Sue
Here comes Mary-Sue
Right down fanfic-net lane
She's got pink hair and speshul eyes
To warp canon again
Bells are ringing, Sue is singing
Pop songs in Rivendell
Grab a sword and a charge list
And a candle, book, and bell.

Here comes Mary-Sue
Here comes Mary-Sue
Why aren't you impressed???
She's a rebel who'll dye her hair
And refuse to wear a dress!
Leggy falls for her "clever" "charms" -
What a sickening sight
Facepalm now, and take some Bleeprin,
For it will get worse tonight.

Here comes Mary-Sue
Here comes Mary-Sue
Tenth Walker supreme
A trained assassin, slaying ringwraiths,
Who has prophetic dreams!
Mary knows that she's a Maia
That makes everything right
Fill your hearts with vengeful cheer,
Cause Mary-Sue dies tonight.

Cause we'll kill the Sue tonight!

(To the tune of "Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas". Written with Molly in mind, but could be any of the more troublesome nursery kids - change out "Uncle" for "Auntie" or whatever as necessary.)

Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave
Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave

Just last year I'd never had a Christmas
And I was fascinated, you could see
But you came home and caught me in your bedroom
Ripping up your lovely Christmas tree

Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave
Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave

Sometimes you come home all mussed up and swearing
Drinking something that begins with "Bleep",
And Brother and I notice when you drink it
Very soon you always fall asleep

Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave
Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave

(To the tune of "Let It Snow".)

Oh, the Mary Sue is so frightful
That her screams will be delightful
The canon's pleading, we know,
"Make it go, make it go, make it go!"

She doesn't show any right spelling,
And the plotholes leave us yelling
Does she punctuate either? No!
Make it go, make it go, make it go!

When she finally kisses her prey,
We can strike - how we loathe the wait!
But the chargelist needs writing today
Or a lecture we'll get, which we hate.

The Sue is finally dying,
With her gold some Bleeprin we're buying,
To erase the thoughts of her show,
Make it go, make it go, make it go!

Note: Sung to the tune of The Boar's Head Carol, which is a resounding and solemnish melody well-suited to people who are just a little bit full of themselves and exceedingly drunk. Here's a good example: http://youtu.be/9pj5BnQlMCk

I've done my best to amend the Latin, though not being fluent in it, it's questionable at best. I hope you'll write this off as the lingering influence of the item in question.

The Sue's head in hand bear I
Still dripping glitter from its maw
And I pray you, o agents, be merry
Quot estis in convivio (As many as are in the feast)

CHORUS
Caput bellum defero (The beautiful head I offer)
Redens laudes exigo (Giving praise to this conclusion)

The Mary Sue, as all understand
Says she is fairest in the land
So the head, bedecked with a fine garland
Let us now servire miror. (Serve with a smile)

CHORUS

O Sue, we here make show of thee
As reminder of our Duty
And on this day to be mocked is she
In flos loqueris atrio (In the talking flowers' hall)

CHORUS
. . . I put way too much thought into this.

Another little fail!filk I did.

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe

She'd been drinking too much Bleeprin
And forgot there was a Sue on the loose
But she'd left her weapons in her RC
So she walked out and the Sue ran her down like a moose

When they found her on Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack
There were heart marks stamped on her forehead
And incriminating sparkles on her back

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's not such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe

Now we're all so proud of her partner
She's been taking this so well
Killing of Sues by the dozens
And sending them off to Sue Hell

It's not Christmas without all the Agents
(She's still stuck in the hospital ward)
They don't really wonder what to do, though
They sent her things to make her un-bored

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe

Now roast Sue is sitting on the table
Chocolate pudding is being passed around
And it's already Christmas
(And the Agent's coming around)

We've warned all the other agents
Better watch out for yourselves
Because you never know when a Sue might escape
(Not to mention those cannibal elves)

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe.

"Christmas in Headquarters" by Phobos
Sung to the tune of "Christmas at Ground Zero" By "Weird Al" Yankovic

It's Christmas in Headquarters
There's swearing in the air
The consoles are beeping ‘cause the agents were all sleeping
While the Sue raid sirens blare

It's Christmas in Headquarters
The canon has been breached
And Mary Sue just has to do
An epic deathbed speech

Everywhere the f-bombs are a’dropping
It's the end of all our sanity
Into bed the characters are hopping
It's time somebody called the PPC

It's Christmas in Headquarters
There's a Ypur in the hall
We can cope with slash if we smile and bash
Our heads against the wall

Marquis de Sod (Spoken):
Well, your first mission is only a few hours away now.
I'm sure you're all looking forward to it.
Now go away.

You might see some squicky things on missions
Like Legolas molesting Aragorn
But if you stomach’s climbing up your throat then
You’d better get some Bleeprin for this porn

It's Christmas in Headquarters
And if the glitter saturation's okay
We will go fix all the geographical
Aberrations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas in Headquarters
Ten chapters left to go
I'll swear and curse at the horrible verse
Cause my Bleepka level’s low

It's Christmas in Headquarters
Now the agents are on their way
It will make you puke, while your brain gets nuked
On this jolly holiday

It will make you puke, while your brain gets nuked
On this jolly holiday!

To the tune of the Christmas hymn "A Day, A Day of Glory". In dedication to the Department of Floaters:

A day, a day of glory!
A day that ends our woes!
A day that tells of triumph
Against our vanquish'd foes!
Yield, summer's brightest sunrise,
To this December morn:
Open up your doors, ye Flowers
And let the Floaters come forth.

With Gloria in excelsis
Their fellows tell their mirth:
With Kyrie eleyson
Men answer upon the earth:
And badfic quakes in fear
As canon sounds its horn,
Open up you doors, ye Flowers,
And let the Floaters come forth.

They come, no praise desired;
They come, the pen, their sword;
Canon and logic, their masters
Which write and govern all:
Though none may know their birth place,
Their goals are for one and all:
Open up your doors, ye Flowers,
And let the Floaters come forth.

Then bar these gates, that henceforth
None thus may passage win,
Because these PPC Agents
Alone hath entered in:
No earth, no Words, no fiction
Their passage mark e'er more:
Open up your doors, ye Flowers,
And let the Floaters go forth!

Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away. Bella died and Jacob cried, Potter all the way.

Not my song, found it on dearblankpleaseblank and it's not a fanfic but ah well. :)

To be sung to the tune of 'Kidnap the Santa Claus' from 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. I have had this idea since Halloween, where I was listening to the soundtrack and noticed that the words Sandy Claws could be substituted with Mary Sue.

It is slightly violent, but no more than the original.

Also, Saxo and James are my two new agents. I am writing on their first mission.

So, here goes:

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Execute the Mary Sue

[James]
I wanna do it

[Saxo]
You got the Stu

[Mittens]
We can kill the Sue together

[James]
All at once

[Saxo]
Agents in leather

[Mittens]
We're out to get her

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Wheeee
La, la, la, la, la

Kill off the Mary Sue, stab her with a knife
Twist it once or twice and then
watch her lose her life

[James]
First we're going to smack her hard
but that will only be the start
We will keep on doing it til
she can see both moon and star

[Saxo]
Wait! I've got a better plan
To kill this thief of Arwen's man
We'll throw her in the Cracks of Doom
Orodruin will be her tomb

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Kill off the Mary Sue
Kick her in the head
Chop her with an axe
and just repeat until she's dead

[Mittens]
Then the Floating Hyacinth

[James & Saxo]
Will reallly have to take the hint
She'll be so pleased, she'll have to say

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
That we can take a holiday
Wheeee!

[saxo]
I say we should use the Balrog
Put her at its door
and then, call for it until it shows up
Mary Sue will be no more

[Mittens]
You're so stupid, think now
We will have to read the charges first
Otherwise it's simple murder

[James & Saxo]
And the free time bubble bursts

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Kill off the Mary Sue
Drown her in a swamp
Midgewater will do just fine
There's so cold and damp

[Mittens & Saxo]
Because wangst and OOCness will really make us frown
If I were on a agent's list, I'd get out of town

[James]
Then to the cafeteria, yay

[Mittens]
To get the special of the day

[James & Mittens]
Perhaps they'll have their special brew

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Of snake and spider stew
Ummm!

We're the flower's henchmen
And we do our jobs with pride
We do out best to please them
Abd stay on their good side

[Mittens]
I wish my brain weren't getting numb

[James]
This fic is awful

[Saxo]
It's so dumb

[James]
Kill it!

[Saxo]
Will do

[Mittens]
I've thought of something, pay attention
This one could really work, I'm sure
We just need something really cute
That we can use as bait to lure

The Sue away from Aragorn
And into Mirkwood on a tour

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
And with the help of giant spiders
Then her death we
will ensure

Kill off the Mary Sue, beat her with a stick
Thrown her out from Orthanc, she will fall just like a brick

Kill off the Mary Sue, Shelob wants a snack
Get behind her with a club, give her a good whack

Kill of the Mary Sue, she's not Strider's wife
We'll think of the perfect way to make short her life

Jingle bells
Exploding bells
Yelling all the way
Oh what fun
It is to kill
A Sue on Christmas Day!
HEY!
(repeat forever)

I don't even know.

A song for the Bad Slashers, set to the tune of "Merry Christmas Everyone", a very cheesy pop song from 1985, by Shakin' Stevens. I took a lot of liberties as regards fitting the words to the tune though. >.>


Canon's mending
All around me
Slashwraiths wailing
Then they're gone
Sam and Frodo
Not smexing for hurt/comfort
Hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!

Armed with big bells
And lots of hardbacks
Badslash fighters
They march on
Legolas is
Kissin' Aragorn again
How is canon so undone?

We're gonna exorcise the canon tonight
Gonna find those canon boys
Underneath the mistletoe
And set things all to rights

Snape is crying
Over Lily
All the cliches
We love to hate
Bits of Harry
We did not need to see
Won't Queen Anne's Lace
Pity me?

We're gonna exorcise the canon tonight
Gonna find those canon boys
Underneath the mistletoe
And set things all to rights

High King Peter
Molesting Edmund
What'd Aslan say
If he were here?
I don't think that
The Deep Magic covered this
Lucky we've got DBS here
Lucky we've got DBS here
Ooh, lucky we've got DBS here

William Turner
And Jack Sparrow
Just another
Day at sea
'Til they get whacked
With steel-encased DVDs
Neuralyse and
Get outta here!

Canon's mending
All around me
Slashwraiths wailing
Then they're gone
We stand ready
To face another bad slashfic
So hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!
Hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!
Hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!