Subject: Typos and other minor things
Author:
Posted on: 2011-11-05 21:17:00 UTC
You have a few typos:
"“Yes, yes, but we can't charge her with breaking our canon.”"
and
"“Aren’t Isn't eighteen the legal age in most of the Real World?” Mittens asked. “Why can’t she decide for herself? And for that matter, why won’t her parents let her stay at home alone?”"
But I really enjoyed the mission, even though I don't know Labyrinth.
First an interlude, that takes place immediately before the mission. If you have any ideas as to the identity of the two agents, I will be happy to edit them in. And they don't necessarily have to be from DBS.
http://rc170.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/interlude-02-the-cafeteria/
I realize that this mission is ridiculously long and only in part because it was necessary to get enough charges. I have tried to edit it down, but the original fic is around 140,000 words long and I wanted to preserve at least some of the feeling I had while reading it. So if you read the mission and feel like my agents are wading through thousands of words worth of horrible grammar and plotholes, then that is at least somewhat intentional. I am not aiming for boring, but I am trying to convey the feeling that this is dreary and really horrible. Or in other words: I had to suffer through this, now it's your turn. ^^
Anyway, I promise that my next mission will not be this long.
http://rc170.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/the-making-of-a-queen-aka-the-raison-detre/
Loot:
Insta-popcorn. There's not a lot left, but samples will be handed out to anyone, who would like to analyse them and perhaps try to make more.
A Prefect Badger.
A magical Celtic-cross staff-necklace made from silver and white gold.
A wand; twelve-and-a-half inch, ebony and phoenix feathers.
Bunch of assorted weapons from the training sessions. The collection was described as (including the grammatical errors): 'Lined up against the walls where all kinds of weapons, almost every kind of weapon Sarah had ever known and many she had no idea what the Hell they were.' Because of the way the training sessions were described, it can be assumed that there are two of each.
The longswords, the falchions and a rapier with matching dagger had the most descriptions and are probably of the best quality. All the weapons are up for grabs, but Agent Lynn Gillies and Agent Arthur Briggs have dips on any other weapons they may find to their liking.
Recruits:
Ed of Dream Sequence – If he can be woken up and recruited, I imagine he will be great in dream based continua like Alice in Wonderland.
Finian Bloodstone and James Vulpes. I'll be taking them for myself.
Minis:
Mini-Aragogs: Virginia, Promfrey, Creevy, Ronikuns and Harold
Mini-Helping Hands: sarahm, Sara, Ambrosias
Mini-Balrog: Riverdendell. Yes, the agents got a mini-Balrog from a Labyrinth/HP crossover, that was how stupid this fic was.
None of these appear on the mini-lists, so all help with finding the original owners, if any, will be much appreciated.
You have a few typos:
"“Yes, yes, but we can't charge her with breaking our canon.”"
and
"“Aren’t Isn't eighteen the legal age in most of the Real World?” Mittens asked. “Why can’t she decide for herself? And for that matter, why won’t her parents let her stay at home alone?”"
But I really enjoyed the mission, even though I don't know Labyrinth.
And thanks!
That was definitely a long, long, long, long, long, long mission. I started reading around 1 P.M. and just finished it after getting home from work, at 1:30 A.M.! That said, I think you managed to prevent it from growing boring. You kept the pacing moving forward, introducing each new section of problems in turn and letting your agents react, then moving on. Kudos on slogging through the whole thing!
One nitpick that I, as a volunteer zookeeper, must make: A couple of times, you refer to snake poison. Technically, when poison comes from an animal, it should be called venom. (Poison is more for man-made chemicals or stuff that comes out of plants, fungi, etc.)
Thank you! I'm glad you think so. Having a mission this long was a bit of an experiment and certainly not something I plan to repeat anytime soon.
I'll change the wording so that it's correct. That would be the least I can do for the poor snakes; they didn't exactly have it easy in the fic.
Seriously, this thing is just... BAD. I had to skim over the paragraphs of description to get to the good stuff!
Well, at least ya got some good stuff out of it, like some new recruits, and some weapons (by the way, are the swords still up for grabs? And maybe the wand as well?)
Thanks!
I think Mittens is keeping the wand as a souvenir. As for the weapons, there are still two longswords, a falchion and a rapier and dagger set up for the taking. There are also a lot of other kinds of weapons so if you've ever dreamed of saying 'I would like a battle axe, a scimitar and a morningstar, please', then this is your chance.
In that case, I'll take some daggers, a battleaxe, a longsword and a rapier and/or a scimitar, maybe a poleaxe and a katana if you can find one.
Also, where else would one get a wand? Would an agent gain the ability to do magic if they entered the Harry Potter continuum?
*Fills OpinionedAngel's sack with weapons* Happy (belated) Halloween! And I see you've already put the axe to good use further up.
There's something called a Muggle-use wand which can be used by agents doing missions in Harry Potter. http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Muggle-use_Wand
Congratulations on toughing that one out!
Arthur Briggs would like the rapier/dagger set. Lynn Gillies would like one of the falchions -- I used one in my Society for Creative Anachronism days, and they're nice for us shorter people. And thanks!
Thanks!
And the weapons are yours. May your agents slay many badfic elements with them.
I honestly can't believe how bad that fic was. My head started imploding about a quarter of the way through. Good job sporking it, though.
What exactly is Sue-length hair? Is it a particular length? A length that might be implausible in the circumstances, like a chemotherapy patient having waist-length hair a year later? A length that's treated unrealistically, like being floor-length and rarely needs brushing? A length that's just there for the pretty factor, a la "her sunshine-golden curls swayed past her hips"?
Being that I and a few of my OCs have hip- or thigh-length hair, I had to ask.
It’s not meant to be an accurate measurement. It this specific case, the charge was not because she had hair almost down to her hips, but because it was much longer than Sarah’s in the movie. You could say that she only had hair that long, due to being a Sue, not because there was any basis for it in the canon.
It was so loooooooooooooong. (Seriously.) But it was a relatively fun read, though I did find myself facepalming at a lot of the stupidity from the fic. I mean, you know it's bad when the plot can't keep itself straight. No wonder this girl eventually abandoned it is how I see it.
If I had to complain... I'd watch out for the SPaG here. I caught a Mini-Umbrigde at one point, so... It was good, but there was the odd missing word and misspelled thing.
Other than that, fun mission! :D
*goes to wrestle mini from the fic*
I'll go over it for SPaG as soon as I have a moment.
And thanks! I don’t plan on doing anything this long again, but it was fun to try, and since this was the fic that made me join the PPC, I felt that it deserved to be thoroughly grilled.
Awesome.
Also, don't forget to edit the front page of the Wiki with this new mission.
I think you have found and rescued an entirely newly created mini-Balrog. I'll be happy to take him into the Adoption Centre if nobody else wants him.
Thanks, but my agents will keep him if he hasn't got a home already. They are notorious mini-hoarders.
I'll make a note in the files so nobody else tries to adopt him later.
On another note, I hope your Agents have a big RC, or they'll need a new one just for the minis soon. :P