So after last chapter's efforts, it is clear that I am NOT looking forward to this. But still, “Knowledge is Power", so on we go!

Now, I have to give the writer credit – this chapter does try to present a lengthier narrative. But, the old problems still remain … and in some cases might be worse; I defer judgement on that matter.

Anyway, as is the norm, we have the opening spiel from Vail and AGAIN, we have no indication of what planet Cain and co are on, so it just adds to the confusion. Additionally, once again, we have the author's jarring punctuation and sentence structure.

Now call me pedantic, but I find this excerpt from the introduction rubbing me the wrong way:

“… While there he had a chance encounter with a Sisters of battle unit. As you know, the Sisters is military force composed of only women. Though they don’t have the super human abilities as Space marines. They try to model themselves as such.”

I can already see this is going to go down the poop chute, but I'll go into the Sister issue later.

Alright, so basically, ANOTHER hive city has fallen under attack, only this time the attackers are the Chaos Space Marines, one of several canon baddies. Problem is, Chaos Marines are normally broken down into Traitor Legions and rogue elements – throughout the ENTIRE fic, we have no idea as to what faction within the CSMs this warband belongs to.

Worse, it looks like the author's perversion of Cain seems set to continue. Here's an excerpt:

“...Thinking about all the wonderful things he’ll do once back at the base. Maybe the female soldier who likes to rack up infractions will be there waiting for him. Speaking of racks, ‘she sure has a nice one‘, thought Cain. He, and she would figure out interesting punishments together. Sometimes Cain would take her punishments for her.”

Emperor protect us!

Eventually, the convoy Cain is returning with falls under attack by … possessed Thunderhawks (?!) and in the resulting confusion, Cain is separated from the others and is forced to make his way back to an Imperial Guard encampment on foot. However, on his way back, he stumbles over a 15-(wo)man squad of Sisters of Battle – again, the author gives us a basic description of them, but does not specify if they belonged to a specific unit or not. In other canon where there aren't any major sub-factions, this would be fine, but in a wargame like Warhammer 40,000 – where all major factions are broken down into individual regiments, Chapters, warbands etc- this can be downright confusing.

The apparent leader of the group, Sister Mary (yes, that is her name!) assigns a squad-member, Sister Cindy (*sighs in annoyance*) to check Cain for weapons. Whilst doing so, Cain has perverted thoughts (like THAT is any surprise here!) and the Sister stumbles across....

No. No, I dare not say! If you want to know the gory details, read the fic yourselves. I dare not put the exact details to print. Sufficed to say, I quote:

“ “Wow”, said Cain with a dumb look on his face [...] “ I thought you Sisters couldn’t have sex.” “We can, but don’t tell a lot of people about it. Otherwise, they’d want sexual favors all the time. Even if people talked, nobody would believe them. We pick men we like to help us out from time to time. Especially when it comes to the initiates. We use men to smarten them up, and besides, every girl want’s her first time to be with a handsome man,” said Sister Mary. ”

Are. You. Kidding. Me?!

After that little escapade, Cain and the Sisters continue en route back to Imperial lines when a roving Chaos band jump them … as well as some kind of creature the author fails to describe that manages to freeze up the Sisters who weren't killed. Cain, at this point, gets the hell out of dodge then, after a 30 minute pause, heads back to the ambush site. He observes the aftermath of the skirmish and is SOMEHOW able to pick up a conspicuous trail the Chaos squad left behind them- without the author telling us what that might have been comprised of. After following the Chaos Marines, Cain manages to locate the craft the Marines evidently have come down planet-side in as the crew and some of the Marines' minions emerge to take the spoils of war inside the vessel... barring Sister Cindy, who the previously undescribed, mutated Chaos Space Marine promptly separates from the others in the ship's cargo bay and begins to have its way with on the spot. Cindy's Sisters fare no better with the crew.

Cain manages to find a loading crane nearby and having figured out the controls (failing to explain where and when), he attacks the mutated Marine and drags him away from the helpless Cindy. He then, bolt pistol blazing, attacks several crew members as he drags the stark-naked Cindy out of the Chaos warband's clutches as they mount a war-bike and make their escape.

What follows is, to me, probably one of the most poorly justified sexual encounters within this work. And that's saying a lot. Having evaded the mutated leader of the band, Cain speculates that because the creature screamed out “Virgin!” in anger (or something like that, the author doesn't say), he believes that 'doing the deed' with the Sister of Battle then and there would throw it off their trail. I quote:

“There was a crashing sound through the woods. A loud hideous bellow of “Virgin!” was coming from where Cain, and Cindy left their break area. Cain knew they could not outrun the monster. They would need food, and rest while the creature wouldn’t. There was only one thing that could be done to get it off their trail, and hopefully lose interest. When Cain thought they were far enough. He turned to Sister Cindy. “Do you trust me enough to keep this monster from following us?” asked Cain. “Yes,” said Cindy looking him in the eyes. Cain walked up to her sliding his arms around her...”

What?! How the heck- WHAT?!! That's pushing it, even within the madness of the 41st millenium!

So, four paragraphs later (in which, I kid you not, the pair have been described as LOVERS (HERESY!)), the little moment is rudely interrupted as (surprise, surprise!) a mushroom cloud appears on the horizon and alerting them to the presence of the mutated leader who had been stalking them.

I'm sorry – What? Stalking them … in a wooded area …. in THREE INCH THICK POWER ARMOUR?! You know why there was a reason the Imperium Space Marines have Scout squads (apart from recruit training)? Even if you are careful, POWER ARMOUR IS NOT SILENT!

So, with the Chaos Marine hot on the pair's heels, Cain and Cindy bolt, heading towards an open field. Unfortunately, once they reach the clearing, Cindy trips and falls, with the Chaos Space Marine closing the distance rapidly. Cain is rammed into and sent spinning to the ground and, just when it looked like he was about to be crushed, a series of bolt rounds slam into the traitor, blowing him clean in half.

It is revealed in the last paragraph that a Space Marine (loyalist) Thunderhawk had taken notice of them and had opened fire. Landing, the transport disgorges a Space Marine squad, as well as their leader, a Captain of no particular Chapter or name. When Cain questions the Captain as to how he was able to locate them, the Captain replies that they had been tracking them every since the Chaos frigate - which I am assuming was in orbit, as those things are normally about three kilometres long- had been destroyed (which was never mentioned earlier in the fic).
It was also revealed that the groundside vessel had been destroyed by Sister Mary, who now stood proudly with the others, battered and sans armour, weapons and clothes, but alive.

The final passage ends with the following exchange. I'll let it speak for itself:

“ … “Maybe you can brief me about it,” said Sister Mary with a smile. “Sure, a long hard briefing with the three of us sounds good.” said Cain. “Captain is there a place on the thunder hawk that me, and the Sisters of battle can debrief in private?” asked Cain. “Yes, we have a guest lounge that you can use,” said the Captain who misunderstood the humans’ real reason for the room. Since Space Marines weren’t made that way. ”

So, that brings us to the end of this chapter and the current fic's progress. Is this chapter an improvement? I'd say yes … barely. To the writer's credit, it looks like the narrative had been given a bit of thought and the action is drawn out a bit more. Unfortunately, the majority of the old problems within the first chapter are still there – Cain is still horribly OOC, the narrative is contrived and lacking depth, social norms and law of the Imperium are left in the gutter and the sheer implausibility behind the scenario is almost laughable.

I especially reserve criticism for the portrayal of the female protagonists of this chapter – the Sisters of Battle. According to established material, the Adepta Sororitas are an all-female warrior order dedicated to the protection of the Ecclesiarchy (the Imperial Church) and its personnel and assets, as well as acting as the Chamber Militant for the witch-hunters of the Ordo Hereticus (one of three major sub-divisions within the Inquisition). These women are constantly involved in their duties – when they are not involved, they spend their time in training or in prayer. They are indoctrinated in the teachings of the Imperium and are fanatical, practical and down-to-earth.

Because of this and their appeal, it is also presumed that, similar to nuns of the Roman Catholic church, that this order would be celibate. This question ran back and forth amidst the fan community and remained as speculation until “Cain's Last Stand”, where Sandy Mitchell provides her own input on the topic by having Cain observe a strange occurrence – a Sister of Battle discreetly leaving a representative's quarters late at night, concealing herself with a robe over her clothing. Inquisitor Vail's foot-notes read:

“... Contrary to popular belief, the Adepta Sororitas doesn't require its members to remain celibate, though few find the time to take advantage of the fact.”

So, it could be said that the Sisters of Battle are NOT required to be virgin in order to serve, but even so, I found the portrayal of the Sisters in this chapter very jarring. Instead of acting like the zealous and faithful warrior women within Warhammer 40,000 background, they initially act more like sexually-repressed women who haven't “gotten involved” for decades. It is an offence against their tenants, their faith and their creed and this interpretation destroys any believability about Sister Mary and the others and their impending plight.

So, what's my conclusions on the work thus far?

Overall, S.P&G for this story wasn't bad – just a few minor errors and multiple sentences that could be joined together to make sense.

However, here's, in my opinion, why this fic just doesn't work:

- Any fan derivative work of a canonical source needs to adhere to established social and cultural norms within that universe, with leeway provided for unusual situations or any facts that are open to interpretation. This work does none of that. Any form of established Imperial law is more or less out the window in favour of providing pointless, plotless graphic material. I'd be a little more convinced if it was, for example, an incident between a Guardsman and, say, another Guardswoman or civilian (at least THEN, we'd be given benefit of the doubt), but a Commissar, an enforcer of Imperial Guard doctrine within the rank and file, openly cavorting with a Chaos cultist and a member of the Adeptus Sororitas WITHOUT repercussions? Rogal Dorn is rolling in his grave!

- A PWP is a very risky form of fiction to construct because the writer has to justify the situation that (inevitably) takes place and establish this through strong narrative material. This fic is badly constructed and offers little to no reasonable justification for the situations that occur. For example, in the case of the incident between Cindy and Cain: if it was established they may have known each other through the Scholea Progenium and may have possessed feelings that had been suppressed in their respective organisations, then I might be convinced. But as it stands, lack of justification for the incidents, as well as the implausibility behind them, only serve to degrade this work.

- Worst of all, this fic fails to connect between the canon characters of the original canonical material and the cut-outs we are presented in this. The entire writing is dry and humourless, providing none of the wit and characterisation that author Sandy Mitchell has crafted over eight years and all canonical characters are clearly OOC. I could easily replace Cain with a rogue Imperial/traitor Guardsman and it would have no impact on the fic's direction whatsoever.

But, as I mentioned earlier, this is till a work in progress. Whether the author will improve or not, I can only speculate. For now, I watch, pray and hope...

+The Emperor Protects+

I'm not much of an expert on Warhammer, but I have read the first Commissar Cain omnibus, and I would say that it sounds like you have a solid case.

But you say that it is only two chapters so far. Is the author still in the process of writing? Because in that case you might want to consider something else for your first sporking and leaving this for now. It would be a shame if you gave it a really good spank... um, I mean sporking and then a new chapter was added with even more potential for comedy.

I'm only familiar with the basic tenets of the 40K universe from reading TV Tropes, and even I can see problems with this story.

Were you planning to request Permission? You can put a claim on this story with the note "Permission Pending".