Subject: Re: Subject: “Commisiar Cain in deep” Analysis - Pt 1
Author: Antigone68104
Posted on: 2011-09-10 21:19:00 UTC
I'm only familiar with the basic tenets of the 40K universe from reading TV Tropes, and even I can see problems with this story.
Were you planning to request Permission? You can put a claim on this story with the note "Permission Pending".
Well, after a couple of weeks on-off reading through the above named fic, I would like to present my findings in preparation for my first potential sporking or in case anyone would wish to spork it before I apply for Permission.
When I was examing the Unclaimed Badfic for a potential fic to spork, I was naturally interested in this work due to my understanding of Warhammer 40,000 and due to my recent completion of reading three books of the Cain series (“Death or Glory”, “Duty Calls” and “Cain's Last Stand”).
The Ciaphas Cain novel series was a series of novels set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe by author Sandy Mitchell. The series covered the exploits of the humane, yet self survival orientated Commissar Ciaphas Cain, from the years 931 to circa. 997 within the 41st millenium (40K's setting). These events are portrayed through the context of a number of accounts compiled by a member of the in-universe Inquisition. Accompanying him on his journeys with an Imperial Guard regiment is his loyal, psychic-nullifying and foul-smelling batman and aide, Jurgen, and the Commissar is in frequent contact (and often, employ) with the editor of these “reports”, Inquisitor Amberley Vail of the Ordo Herecticus of the Inquisition.
Generally at first, I would say that the fic itself wasn't too bad due to poor SpaG (despite the fact the fic did seem to have an annoying tendancy to utilise very short join on sentences where a simple comma would have been sufficient). However, the true problems with the fic are in regards to the canon warping that is within – the author seemed to have tried to write an PWP (Pron Without Plot) fic in the context of the Cain series...
Am I the only one gaping in utter shock here?
Now at the time of writing, only two chapters have been completed, but even then, this did not stop me from trying to tear it apart.
The first chapter opens in a fashion similar to the core material – Inquisitor Vail provides a general overview of the situation. Here, it seems as if the author is trying to establish the continuity that is being based on, which is OK. However, it does get somewhat redundant by the third paragraph, with some noted hyperbole involved within the passages – a trait which, in my own reading of the Cain series, Inquisitor Vail never showed in her notes.
At last, the fic begins proper and already, we have a problem. It is observed within the canon material that Cain never outright states in his records when many of the documented incidents take place. However, in this fic's case, this is the only indication of setting we read:
“The city was like any other in the Imperium. Office buildings, habitats, parks, and roads. What was different about this one was the Ork warband invading it...”
There is no indication of what planet this chapter is set on and a very generalised description of what one can assume is an Imperial hive-city is presented. With regards to the “difference” cited, the Orks have been firmly established in canon as a warmongering species plaguing many of the worlds in the Imperium. Thus, the probability of an in-progress Ork invasion setting a hive-city apart from most within the Imperium is practically next to nil.
What follows is three to four paragraphs of combat material which, at its core, serve as conveying Cain and Jurgen from Point A (the streets of a financial district) to Point B (the interior of “an ordained bordilo”, according to some badly placed Vail side-notes.). The remainder of the fic, however, is where things take a strange and horrifying turn.
As Cain and Jugen enter, they find a gathering of young women who, to Cain's shock (and my disbelief), killed themselves in what appears to be some kind of summoning ritual for a daemon of Chaos.
Now, wait a minute! We have gone from an Ork invasion to the discovery of a Chaos cult – and there has been NO explanation whatsoever regarding the cult itself, why they did what they did and, most importantly, what they had to do with the Ork invasion practically at their doorstep. But the Orks, as with most logic here, is thrown out of the window as all bar one of the cultists is killed. BTW, Cain's shock doesn't come from genuine human concern, but from “ … seeing the dark haired girl’s perfect skin being ruined. A quick secession of blood splattered her from the other women.”
What?
So, the surviving cultist in question somehow gets possessed by a daemon of Slannesh and immediately goes to work on Cain. I'll spare the details, but by the end, the daemon is somehow banished or offed by Cain and Jugen and somehow the original victim of the possession survives and Cain suddenly has a more erm, … basic instinct in mind for the girl.
Three paragraphs of graphic content later, the Commissar hits on the bright idea of shipping their “prisoner” off to the Inquisition as a sex slave. The chapter abruptly ends there, with Vail noting the usefulness of her newly acquired slave.
What. The. Heck?!
First, the whole incident is clearly forced and contrived, with absolutely NO explanation regarding the presence of the Chaos cult, their relevance to Cain's role in the campaign or how their involvement really related to the Ork invasion. Second, it baffles the mind as to why would these events even be relevant to the overall plot. The latter half of the chapter is not related to the overall chapter storyline and does not progress the overall narrative in any way.
Lastly, and probably the biggest violation of them all, is this – why was Cain not shooting the cultists? The fact that he clearly fraternised with the enemy, a witch possessed by a daemon of Chaos, throws every single tenant of the Imperial Creed back at the Departo Munitorum's face. According to the “Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer” , which all enlisted ranks and Commissars should possess and know BY ROTE,:
“Harbouring Psykers and/or Witches:
Any soldier found harbouring or withholding information regarding one he knows as touched by the Warp (unsancioned psykers, witches and warp freaks) will be whipped, have his eyes put out and then hung until dead...”
“Heresy:
Any soldier who … incites heretical action or thoughts … and generally behaves in a manner disrespectful for all that is holy and good will have his extremities removed and be left to bleed to death for the Emperor's pleasure. The body will then be burned to ensure that no taint remains.”
So, as you can see, because of their actions, Cain and Jugen would already be liable for two death sentences – the portrayal of these characters towards the core of the chapter is clearly unprofessional in their capactiy as part of the Imperial Guard and borderline heretical in the eyes of the Imperium's authorities - a vast gulf of a difference to the normally law-abiding Cain and Jugen of the canon material.
I shudder to think what the next chapter will bring …
+Hail to the Emperor+
So after last chapter's efforts, it is clear that I am NOT looking forward to this. But still, “Knowledge is Power", so on we go!
Now, I have to give the writer credit – this chapter does try to present a lengthier narrative. But, the old problems still remain … and in some cases might be worse; I defer judgement on that matter.
Anyway, as is the norm, we have the opening spiel from Vail and AGAIN, we have no indication of what planet Cain and co are on, so it just adds to the confusion. Additionally, once again, we have the author's jarring punctuation and sentence structure.
Now call me pedantic, but I find this excerpt from the introduction rubbing me the wrong way:
“… While there he had a chance encounter with a Sisters of battle unit. As you know, the Sisters is military force composed of only women. Though they don’t have the super human abilities as Space marines. They try to model themselves as such.”
I can already see this is going to go down the poop chute, but I'll go into the Sister issue later.
Alright, so basically, ANOTHER hive city has fallen under attack, only this time the attackers are the Chaos Space Marines, one of several canon baddies. Problem is, Chaos Marines are normally broken down into Traitor Legions and rogue elements – throughout the ENTIRE fic, we have no idea as to what faction within the CSMs this warband belongs to.
Worse, it looks like the author's perversion of Cain seems set to continue. Here's an excerpt:
“...Thinking about all the wonderful things he’ll do once back at the base. Maybe the female soldier who likes to rack up infractions will be there waiting for him. Speaking of racks, ‘she sure has a nice one‘, thought Cain. He, and she would figure out interesting punishments together. Sometimes Cain would take her punishments for her.”
Emperor protect us!
Eventually, the convoy Cain is returning with falls under attack by … possessed Thunderhawks (?!) and in the resulting confusion, Cain is separated from the others and is forced to make his way back to an Imperial Guard encampment on foot. However, on his way back, he stumbles over a 15-(wo)man squad of Sisters of Battle – again, the author gives us a basic description of them, but does not specify if they belonged to a specific unit or not. In other canon where there aren't any major sub-factions, this would be fine, but in a wargame like Warhammer 40,000 – where all major factions are broken down into individual regiments, Chapters, warbands etc- this can be downright confusing.
The apparent leader of the group, Sister Mary (yes, that is her name!) assigns a squad-member, Sister Cindy (*sighs in annoyance*) to check Cain for weapons. Whilst doing so, Cain has perverted thoughts (like THAT is any surprise here!) and the Sister stumbles across....
No. No, I dare not say! If you want to know the gory details, read the fic yourselves. I dare not put the exact details to print. Sufficed to say, I quote:
“ “Wow”, said Cain with a dumb look on his face [...] “ I thought you Sisters couldn’t have sex.” “We can, but don’t tell a lot of people about it. Otherwise, they’d want sexual favors all the time. Even if people talked, nobody would believe them. We pick men we like to help us out from time to time. Especially when it comes to the initiates. We use men to smarten them up, and besides, every girl want’s her first time to be with a handsome man,” said Sister Mary. ”
Are. You. Kidding. Me?!
After that little escapade, Cain and the Sisters continue en route back to Imperial lines when a roving Chaos band jump them … as well as some kind of creature the author fails to describe that manages to freeze up the Sisters who weren't killed. Cain, at this point, gets the hell out of dodge then, after a 30 minute pause, heads back to the ambush site. He observes the aftermath of the skirmish and is SOMEHOW able to pick up a conspicuous trail the Chaos squad left behind them- without the author telling us what that might have been comprised of. After following the Chaos Marines, Cain manages to locate the craft the Marines evidently have come down planet-side in as the crew and some of the Marines' minions emerge to take the spoils of war inside the vessel... barring Sister Cindy, who the previously undescribed, mutated Chaos Space Marine promptly separates from the others in the ship's cargo bay and begins to have its way with on the spot. Cindy's Sisters fare no better with the crew.
Cain manages to find a loading crane nearby and having figured out the controls (failing to explain where and when), he attacks the mutated Marine and drags him away from the helpless Cindy. He then, bolt pistol blazing, attacks several crew members as he drags the stark-naked Cindy out of the Chaos warband's clutches as they mount a war-bike and make their escape.
What follows is, to me, probably one of the most poorly justified sexual encounters within this work. And that's saying a lot. Having evaded the mutated leader of the band, Cain speculates that because the creature screamed out “Virgin!” in anger (or something like that, the author doesn't say), he believes that 'doing the deed' with the Sister of Battle then and there would throw it off their trail. I quote:
“There was a crashing sound through the woods. A loud hideous bellow of “Virgin!” was coming from where Cain, and Cindy left their break area. Cain knew they could not outrun the monster. They would need food, and rest while the creature wouldn’t. There was only one thing that could be done to get it off their trail, and hopefully lose interest. When Cain thought they were far enough. He turned to Sister Cindy. “Do you trust me enough to keep this monster from following us?” asked Cain. “Yes,” said Cindy looking him in the eyes. Cain walked up to her sliding his arms around her...”
What?! How the heck- WHAT?!! That's pushing it, even within the madness of the 41st millenium!
So, four paragraphs later (in which, I kid you not, the pair have been described as LOVERS (HERESY!)), the little moment is rudely interrupted as (surprise, surprise!) a mushroom cloud appears on the horizon and alerting them to the presence of the mutated leader who had been stalking them.
I'm sorry – What? Stalking them … in a wooded area …. in THREE INCH THICK POWER ARMOUR?! You know why there was a reason the Imperium Space Marines have Scout squads (apart from recruit training)? Even if you are careful, POWER ARMOUR IS NOT SILENT!
So, with the Chaos Marine hot on the pair's heels, Cain and Cindy bolt, heading towards an open field. Unfortunately, once they reach the clearing, Cindy trips and falls, with the Chaos Space Marine closing the distance rapidly. Cain is rammed into and sent spinning to the ground and, just when it looked like he was about to be crushed, a series of bolt rounds slam into the traitor, blowing him clean in half.
It is revealed in the last paragraph that a Space Marine (loyalist) Thunderhawk had taken notice of them and had opened fire. Landing, the transport disgorges a Space Marine squad, as well as their leader, a Captain of no particular Chapter or name. When Cain questions the Captain as to how he was able to locate them, the Captain replies that they had been tracking them every since the Chaos frigate - which I am assuming was in orbit, as those things are normally about three kilometres long- had been destroyed (which was never mentioned earlier in the fic).
It was also revealed that the groundside vessel had been destroyed by Sister Mary, who now stood proudly with the others, battered and sans armour, weapons and clothes, but alive.
The final passage ends with the following exchange. I'll let it speak for itself:
“ … “Maybe you can brief me about it,” said Sister Mary with a smile. “Sure, a long hard briefing with the three of us sounds good.” said Cain. “Captain is there a place on the thunder hawk that me, and the Sisters of battle can debrief in private?” asked Cain. “Yes, we have a guest lounge that you can use,” said the Captain who misunderstood the humans’ real reason for the room. Since Space Marines weren’t made that way. ”
So, that brings us to the end of this chapter and the current fic's progress. Is this chapter an improvement? I'd say yes … barely. To the writer's credit, it looks like the narrative had been given a bit of thought and the action is drawn out a bit more. Unfortunately, the majority of the old problems within the first chapter are still there – Cain is still horribly OOC, the narrative is contrived and lacking depth, social norms and law of the Imperium are left in the gutter and the sheer implausibility behind the scenario is almost laughable.
I especially reserve criticism for the portrayal of the female protagonists of this chapter – the Sisters of Battle. According to established material, the Adepta Sororitas are an all-female warrior order dedicated to the protection of the Ecclesiarchy (the Imperial Church) and its personnel and assets, as well as acting as the Chamber Militant for the witch-hunters of the Ordo Hereticus (one of three major sub-divisions within the Inquisition). These women are constantly involved in their duties – when they are not involved, they spend their time in training or in prayer. They are indoctrinated in the teachings of the Imperium and are fanatical, practical and down-to-earth.
Because of this and their appeal, it is also presumed that, similar to nuns of the Roman Catholic church, that this order would be celibate. This question ran back and forth amidst the fan community and remained as speculation until “Cain's Last Stand”, where Sandy Mitchell provides her own input on the topic by having Cain observe a strange occurrence – a Sister of Battle discreetly leaving a representative's quarters late at night, concealing herself with a robe over her clothing. Inquisitor Vail's foot-notes read:
“... Contrary to popular belief, the Adepta Sororitas doesn't require its members to remain celibate, though few find the time to take advantage of the fact.”
So, it could be said that the Sisters of Battle are NOT required to be virgin in order to serve, but even so, I found the portrayal of the Sisters in this chapter very jarring. Instead of acting like the zealous and faithful warrior women within Warhammer 40,000 background, they initially act more like sexually-repressed women who haven't “gotten involved” for decades. It is an offence against their tenants, their faith and their creed and this interpretation destroys any believability about Sister Mary and the others and their impending plight.
So, what's my conclusions on the work thus far?
Overall, S.P&G for this story wasn't bad – just a few minor errors and multiple sentences that could be joined together to make sense.
However, here's, in my opinion, why this fic just doesn't work:
- Any fan derivative work of a canonical source needs to adhere to established social and cultural norms within that universe, with leeway provided for unusual situations or any facts that are open to interpretation. This work does none of that. Any form of established Imperial law is more or less out the window in favour of providing pointless, plotless graphic material. I'd be a little more convinced if it was, for example, an incident between a Guardsman and, say, another Guardswoman or civilian (at least THEN, we'd be given benefit of the doubt), but a Commissar, an enforcer of Imperial Guard doctrine within the rank and file, openly cavorting with a Chaos cultist and a member of the Adeptus Sororitas WITHOUT repercussions? Rogal Dorn is rolling in his grave!
- A PWP is a very risky form of fiction to construct because the writer has to justify the situation that (inevitably) takes place and establish this through strong narrative material. This fic is badly constructed and offers little to no reasonable justification for the situations that occur. For example, in the case of the incident between Cindy and Cain: if it was established they may have known each other through the Scholea Progenium and may have possessed feelings that had been suppressed in their respective organisations, then I might be convinced. But as it stands, lack of justification for the incidents, as well as the implausibility behind them, only serve to degrade this work.
- Worst of all, this fic fails to connect between the canon characters of the original canonical material and the cut-outs we are presented in this. The entire writing is dry and humourless, providing none of the wit and characterisation that author Sandy Mitchell has crafted over eight years and all canonical characters are clearly OOC. I could easily replace Cain with a rogue Imperial/traitor Guardsman and it would have no impact on the fic's direction whatsoever.
But, as I mentioned earlier, this is till a work in progress. Whether the author will improve or not, I can only speculate. For now, I watch, pray and hope...
+The Emperor Protects+
I'm not much of an expert on Warhammer, but I have read the first Commissar Cain omnibus, and I would say that it sounds like you have a solid case.
But you say that it is only two chapters so far. Is the author still in the process of writing? Because in that case you might want to consider something else for your first sporking and leaving this for now. It would be a shame if you gave it a really good spank... um, I mean sporking and then a new chapter was added with even more potential for comedy.
Hmm, I understand your skeptisism - it is a bit too early to tell, given it's age (almost a month and a half since the last update). I'm not sure whether the author in question intends to update this in future, but I'll keep my eyes peeled.
As for other fics, well, I might do a bit of research through FF.net and see if I can bring anything up. My only regret is that my only mainstream part of literature that I would know in any considerable depth would be Lord of the Rings.
I had originally considered the CoD fic, "The Beta Threat" (something that was in the Unclaimed Badfic area), but I must urge reconsiderment - it looks like the "badness" in it may be a deliberate trolling effort, vis a vie a genuine, erm, accident (?)
In the meantime, I'll keep my eyes open.
If a story looks like an author is still active with it, there's always the chance that in the next chapter things would get even more out of control. (Am currently looking at such a story myself. There's a nice break off point at the end of chapter 10, but then in chapter 11 there's a mini I've never seen before, and in chapter 12 a canonically mild mannered character goes on some kind of revenge rampage, and the only reason to include that in the mission is to slap the OC with a charge of piling plot contrivance upon plot contrivance. The other reason to mention it is that the author has more or less challenged me to find fault in her story.)
Anyway, what I wanted to say: you can sometimes wait a long time to mission a story if you are going to wait for the author to stop adding stupidity to their story. If you can get a nice mission out of two chapters, there's no real reason to wait for the third chapter. There may be more comedy value, but it may also be more of the same.
True that, and my remark was only meant as food for thought. After all there's always the possibility that a badfic goes from bad to totally insane if it goes on for long enough.
Well, I'm currently examining the second chapter now. It looks like the author maintains the good SP&G and minor elements of punctuation and, to the author's credit, the chapter is about twice as long as the first.
Problem is, it still has the same probems riddling it.
I'll keep an ear to the ground for the time being and see if this goes anywhee. I'll also see if I can dig up any other potential fics to examine and weigh them up.
I'm only familiar with the basic tenets of the 40K universe from reading TV Tropes, and even I can see problems with this story.
Were you planning to request Permission? You can put a claim on this story with the note "Permission Pending".