In the Great Years, before the death of Bast and the onset of the Urple Tide, a man arose among the PPC named Jared, called the Slayer. And it is told that, tempted by the goddess Luxury, Lady of Lust, he fell upon the maiden Traf and, in madness and love, devoured her. Now when the Gods heard this they were filled with wrath, but the Sub Rosa, who sees all, beseeches them that they send not forth Jay and Acacia to crush his skull and rend his flesh, but that they should prepare three labours for this man, that thereby he might redeem himself. And the Gods thought this good. "For lo," said Constance, Mother of All, "I would not see my child torn to shreds unnecessarily, and besides, it is traditional."
Then it was that the Blossoming One himself appeared to Jared the Slayer. And the first task the Sunflower Official laid before him was this: to retrieve the Three Holy Weapons from the Sues of the Mysterious Somebody – the Canon Cannon, the Book of Fandom, and the Most Holy Hat.
Long and hard Jared sought the Canon Cannon, in the wild places of deep time, until at the last he reached the lair of the foul Piratate. And fierce was their battle and many were the blows, but once only did the Piratate's Glance strike Jared, that he was filled with a lust for all women, and in return he smote her seven times, so that she died. And thus the Slayer returned the Canon Cannon to the PPC.
Now the power of the Canon Cannon is this: that by it men might travel the multiverse at will. And thus it is called the Portal, the Ready Advance. And by its power did Jared search long and hard for the Book of Fandom, in the wild places of deep improbability, until at last he reached the lair of the Slashing Demon. And fierce was their battle and many were the blows, but once only did the Demon's Gaze strike Jared, that he loved rather men than women, and in return he smote it seven times, so that it died. And thus the Slayer returned the Book of Fandom to the PPC.
Now the power of the Book of Fandom is this: that by it men may see the thoughts of their enemies even at a distance. And thus it is called the Words, the Cunning Attentive Device. And by its power did Jared search long and hard for the Most Holy Hat, in the wild places of deep unconsciousness, until at last he reached the lair of the Lego. And fierce was their battle and many were the blows, but only once did the Lego's Lovers strike Jared, that he loved no longer men nor women but became a Misogynistic Pig, and in return he smote him seven times, so that he died. And thus the Slayer returned the Most Holy Hat to the PPC.
Now the power of the Most Holy Hat is this: that by it men may change their form and move in secret. And thus it is called the Disguise Generator, the Disquieting Oracle of Randomly Kinked Sight. And now the Blossoming One appeared again to Jared and said, "You have done well. Hear now your second labour."
And Jared said, "No."
And the Sunflower Official said, "What?"
And Jared said, "That was three weapons, so it was three labours. Do the maths."
And the Sunflower Official said, "Hang on a minute-"
But Jared the Slayer donned the Most Holy Hat and became disguised, and he fired the Canon Cannon and left that place, and he read the Book of Fandom and knew the thoughts of Jay and Acacia, and the Gods could not catch him. And it is said that, if he has not died, he lives still.